What is Friendship?

What is friendship?  Not the innocent playground chattering at recess or the giggling of getting ready for homecoming, but that talk over coffee or those long phone conversations anything but lost in this hustle bustle time of E-mail, text, and social media. It's that "thing" between two people that draws them closer than two people not related ever could be allowing them to trust with abandon, share without thought, and love without boundary. True friendship almost seems impossible to form as an adult, especially living in a place that you have no actual ties to, having either not gone to college or have gone but in an online setting. Why is it so difficult to form deep, meaningful friendships from scratch as an adult?

As a child, my father did not have many people he would bring into our house as friends, telling us never to allow a person who isn't your friend to come in your castle. He had permanently affixed to our refrigerator's front the actual Webster's dictionary definition of friendship, attempting to subliminally embed it into our heads. You would think as an adult I would have an easier time making and keeping friends, but this isn't the case. To be brutally honest, my siblings are not very far from that tree either. It almost feels genetic to be an introvert, which most times I'm OK with but recently I've become extra sensitive to. This is possibly brought on by me being hurled into premature menopause, a sign of depression making me doubt myself, or even just fed up with not having at least one person I can actually consider a friend. Whatever the case I've become over observant of the people who call themselves friend, I've grown increasingly more agitated with those people who in other situations i would probably not even associate with, becoming more aware of their intentions.

In this social media age, we all have a Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and with these accounts come people who you associate with regularly. Technically these people are called "friends" yet how many could ready be considered as a friend?  How many of those who are characterized as a friend would truly give you an unconditional ear, shirt off their back, understanding of your issues without judgement? Not many in my adult life. I have attempted several times to make a good friend while I have been an adult, and each time I have been Steve's in the back. Some would chalk it up to meeting the wrong type of people, but I have met all different types, from all walks of life. It seems to never fail, just when I think that this person could be the recipient of my loyalty,a true friend, something always happens to cost the entire friendship. I am not claiming innocence because I know that I can be difficult as a friend, but I also know that I'm more loyal than your childhood dog, and can offer what I expect.

My husband seems to have little trouble making and keeping friends, the only rifts caused by his responsibility to his family, putting us first before his own needs. Could it be because he completely denounces any form of social media, foregoing any and all dreams that comes along with it? It could just be that with his personality and his direct manner attract the right type of people. Either way it goes, at 32 years old, I admire the friendship my husband has with his best (and only) true friend. There are endless possibilities to why my husband, as well as other men, are so easily able to make friends. The emotions of women often cloud our judgment when it comes to building the bonds of friendship. This can come with a great cost if you rely on the wrong person to fill that void.

I have lost almost all of my family, have had to go through many disingenuous people just to get to this point in my life. Granted while I may not be perfect, I am able to be a great friend to any person who deserves this loyalty. I believe that one day I will meet my "Louise". I know that I am not the only mom who is dealing with not having a close friend to speak of for whatever reason, yet I have faith that we all are destined to find that one person we call " friend ".

The Day I Lost My Best Friend

It began like any other day, waking up at 6:30 to get our two oldest daughters of to school, my husband just happened to be off that day. I have made it a habit to drink my morning coffee while on the phone with my dad catching up, and checking on his health. Yet for the past month or so we have been having another of one of our silent spells of not speaking to each other because of some disagreement or another. My dad and I had the type of relationship that could only be understood if you knew the both of us. It could run hot or cold, depending on the topic at hand, but we could not be divided. Even though we were experiencing "radio silence" for some reason, today was the day for all of that to end. I didn't like not speaking to him for so long, never had we gone this long without a single word.

 As I sat outside, drinking my coffee I just had this overwhelming feeling to speak to my dad, a feeling in my gut that pushed me to calling him. Regardless to how terrible the argument, I can usually get ahold of my dad after a few tries. He knows how to hold a grudge, a trait that I have no doubt inherited from him but he also gets annoyed easily and would have answered with my persistence. Today is different. Today I cannot get him on the phone, either cell or house. My dad has several health issues, any one which could take his life at any moment, which is the reason he has drilled his "plan of action" into my head these past few months. If I am unable to get him on the phone after a few tries I am supposed to call his brother who lives only an hour away from him, since I am almost 1000 miles away. I didn't call him right away, first I called the area hospital since my dad has been in and out recently. He is not in the hospital. I then called his apartment manager to do a welfare check because at this point I'm getting worried. I get a call back about 15-20 minutes later saying that the lights are on in my dad's apartment (it's 9:30 in the morning), and my dad's truck is in the same spot it was in on Friday which caused alarm because it is now Tuesday.

It's time to call my dad's brother to find out what is going on. Thankfully my dad had given me his number before hand, without it I would have the added stress of now having to locate his brother as well. I have to ask my husband to go locate the phone number, as I am too stressed out to find anything. He comes back with the number and I dial it, trying to stay my shaking hands so I'm not pressing the wrong numbers. When I finally get him on the phone, the tone of his voice is as shaky as my fingers at this point. He was nervous and couldn't get out more than three words, the same three words repeated three times until iI almost had to yell to get it out of him. "Where is my dad," was the only thing I can remember asking him yet I don't think I could ever prepare myself for the next words to come out of his mouth. I had to ask him to repeat himself at least twice before iI could actually comprehend what was said. He told me that they had actually had my dad's funeral the day before and he had passed away more than a week ago! I almost dropped my phone, I was shaking so hard, I couldn't even get any words out until I looked at my husband, that's when I asked him why? Why wouldn't he call me sooner, give me the opportunity to be present at my own dad's funeral, make decisions as to where and how he would be buried, give me the closure of being able to see my dad one last time. I was given none of that. I had to hang up the phone on him, I couldn't listen to his lies and nonsense any longer.

 How could this have happened? How could I have let so much time go by that I not only was clueless to his death, but I completely missed saying good bye. I wasn't allowed this closure, this chance was stolen from me like most of my children's inheritance. I'm just glad that my husband was with me because if not for him I am not sure how I could have processed all of this. I'm not sure that I have even actually processed the totality of my grief even now, but we do the best we can. I know that the responsibility of informing my sister in Hawaii now rests in my hands and I'm not certain how she will take the news. Her and my dad had a rocky relationship to say the least, only recently getting back on speaking terms, but I can't let that stop me from notifying her. When I call her i can hardly get the words out, feeling as though I'm in shock, but i have to tell her. Finally i get it out but still couldn't believe what i had just said, it didn't seem to register with her at first either. I had to repeat myself and this time I had to tell her that we were not allowed at the funeral which happened the day before. Who would do such a thing, to not inform a person's children of their death for your own personal gain is despicable.

I have this overwhelming urge to pack up the family and take the 1000 mile journey to my dad's home. I wanted to get the last bit of contact with him or his belongings, to be able to go to his home and experience how he was living the days before he passed away. For some reason I believed that this would give me closure. This was not the case. When I get to my dad's home it was not what I expected, not so much of the house itself but the way things were left, as well as the response from my dad's brother when I informed him that I was at my dad's house. It is sad to see how lonely my dad must have been and how he actually preferred it that way. So much is going through my head that i can't even begin to process it all. Where do I even begin? There is so much to do, yet I do not think I will be able to finish it all. Maybe my dad's brother  would be able to help me take care of all of this packing, after all he had been in my dad's house since he passed so he was aware of what needed to be done. My husband didn't want me to call him since he had already shown his true colors, but I felt that he should be given the chance to redeem himself. So I called him from my dad's house phone so he would know I was actually there, his reaction was for the record books. Not only would be not help, he is now telling me that I should not have come there. Are you serious?!

I am beginning to put the pieces together. I wasn't notified about my dad's death so that his brother was able to go to my dad's house and take whatever he wanted. My dad warned me about him and I should have taken him more seriously. I am so flabbergasted that I honestly cannot even think straight. At this point I felt so disgusted with this so called family that I had to pack up my family and come right back home. I couldn't even begin to pack my dad's house up I was so disgusted. In hindsight, this was probably not the best idea but at the time it was the only idea. So I filed a police report for theft and went home. I can't help but think that I should have stayed to ensure that my dad's things didn't end up in goodwill, I was driven by my emotions. I made this trip without planning anything, just took the kids out of school, my husband told his boss he would be gone about a week and that was that.  Many have said that this trip was made in a snap decision and i should have expected got it to end in this way. We haven't even been at my dad's house for a couple of hours and we are already pulling out to head home, I can guarantee that will be back once I can contain my emotions.

This trip back home is probably the fastest trip home ever. We drove straight through only stopping for gas, and it only took us 16 hours instead of the average 21. I couldn't wait to get back home so I can find out what I can do about this person stealing not only from me but from my kids. By the time we got back into the state I could barely hold my eyes open but my racing mind wouldn't allow me to even consider sleep. We are in the home stretch now, having less than 200 miles to go I am beginning to get butterflies. I just cannot believe what the past 48 hours has held and it seems as though this is only the beginning of the battle. Pulling in to our driveway I feel a small sense relief, back in my comfort zone it didn't even seem to matter that we left the house in chaos or that now we are coming back only to add to the chaos with not only the belongings of my dad but the emotions coming with his death. I was actually glad that it was Easter weekend, I would have at least one day to rest before I would have to deal with my new reality. The reality of loneliness and sadness that I will now have to face without my best friend. That is who I was mourning, who I had lost, who I couldn't replace.

Most people have a difficult time being able to empathize with me when I tell them this story. Many find it difficult to even be able process the details surrounding my father's death. I find it difficult to not feel guilty about being so stubborn, not talking to my father for the time before his death. Losing my dad was one of the most difficult times I've had to conquer in my 32 years, and I have battled cancer, lost a child, even my mother passing away when I was 12 years old didn't compare to the feeling of loss that I felt when I learned my father passed away. The day that I learned my father not only passed away, but was already buried I saw that family is only as strong as its members and that if no bonds are made, none will be respected.

How Cancer Changed Me, part 1

         How Cancer Changed Me.              

Cervical cancer is among the leading cancers in women under the age of 35, yet it gets less attention than other forms of cancer. Personally I believe this is partly due to the manner in which this form of cancer progresses. This cancer can be caused by a virus, and if left untreated it can become cancer in the cervix, that can quickly move to other organs including the uterus, ovaries, bladder, liver, and breast. This cancer is known as the "gateway cancer" for this very reason.
 My journey down this path began when I was 18 years old and would affect my life until this day. It all began with an abnormal pap smear at the age of 18 years old. At that time in my life, my number one priority was not getting a follow up, to say the least. I did call the doctor's office to see what I was supposed to do next, but once they began saying words like colposcopy, I panicked, figured it would go away on its own, I ignored it completely. I was never one to be very consistent with anything, especially my health care. This disease was allowed to grow, and fester.
I showed very little signs or symptoms, aside from painful intercourse, and irregular periods which I automatically explained away as a sign of the stress I was experiencing from my living situation and life choices I was missing at the time. I had no idea that a deadly venom was producing inside my body that would eventually spread and attack my entire reproductive system. I did not see another doctor until I went to prison for a short time, who did nothing more than confirmed the original abnormal pap smear. Again, I chose not to follow up, afraid of the inevitable.
I had all but forgotten about my past test results, having two children without serious incident. When I got pregnant for the third time, I knew that my past had come back with a vengeance. I didn't know I was pregnant, taking a pregnancy test as more of a joke than anything. I was experiencing morning sickness, but I was still having the erratic, yet noticeably more consistent bleeding episodes as before. Taking the pregnancy test, I was shocked to find out that I was in fact pregnant. Life at home was already difficult enough with just our two daughters, but now to add another child into the equation just seemed selfish. I am VERY MUCH against abortion, so that was not even a consideration, so we played the hand we were dealt and I scheduled my first prenatal appointment for that following week.
When I went to my appointment, I was still experiencing some bleeding, and my nausea had gotten to the point of inhibiting my ability to eat and keep any food down. With these symptoms, my doctor declined to preform a routine pap smear. In turn he only preformed an ultrasound, which showed nothing and prescribed me medication for the morning sickness. I left the appointment with more questions than answers. I still had no idea what was going on or why I was having these issues. I do believe that fear stopped me from being proactive about my health, which only allowed for the cancer inside of me to do what it wanted, ravage my body from the inside out and I was none the wiser. For weeks each time I went for an appointment, it was more of the same, still bleeding, another ultrasound, more medications, and less answers than the previous appointment. Finally at about 20 weeks, right before we would find out the sex of our baby, my doctor finally gave an explanation for the pain and bleeding. I was told that I was actually pregnant with twins and the bleeding was my having a miscarriage of one of the twins. How was this possible? How could one baby be slowly dying but the other seems to be unharmed, who makes that decision? I had too many questions and no answers. I would leave this appointment as I had all of the others, with more questions than what I came with.
I felt awful to go home and feel that I had too lie to my husband. I wasn't able to lie very well, especially not to him, as my conscious proved to always get the better of me. But this was a secret that I had too keep from him, I couldn't add to his stress, after all he was dealing with his own stresses including just having lost his job and fighting a seemingly ending battle with alcoholism. I would have to keep this to myself for as long as I could. Over the next couple of weeks, my symptoms only got worse and now included bowel issues that needed to be treated as well, but being as I was pregnant there was only so much that could be done. I followed all of the doctor's instructions, took any medication that I was prescribed no matter how I personally felt about the medication. This would prove my undoing.
Exactly one week after finding out the sex of our baby, still suffering from the bleeding, nausea, and bowel issues yet by now these have seemingly gotten worse instead of better.  I had to perform an enema on myself, which I knew better than to do but this was something prescribed by my doctor. They do know best, right? This actin would prove to be the undoing of my pregnancy. Later that night, I had to be rushed to the hospital for a protruding umbilical cord. Within an hour of being admitted to the hospital I was giving birth to my son who had passed away. I faced this devastation alone, as my husband was home with our other two children aged 3, and 1. I couldn't stay in that hospital any longer than I had too. Almost pulling out the IV's, I literally forced them to release me before any of the medication even wore off.
You could not convince me that my doctor couldn't have prevented this from happening, he wasn't even there when I delivered my son. I never went back to see that doctor again, and I didn't even go for a follow-up after having my baby, feeling completely let down by anyone in the medical profession. I would not see another doctor for eighteen months when I was almost 5 months pregnant with our fourth child. This pregnancy would prove nothing like the last, as I was almost halfway to my due date before seeing the first doctor. I was weary of this doctor because I couldn't handle another pregnancy like the last, but with this one there was a huge difference, we were living in another state. I had more faith in these doctor's than the previous doctor but I couldn't be 100% honest with them.
We would move again before I would give birth to our daughter, back to the place with the faulty doctor. This worried me but by this time I was due in less than eight weeks, which out my mind at ease to an extent. I wouldn't see another doctor before I delivered my daughter. This may not have been the choice of many, I felt as though I knew what was best for me and my baby. The doctor who delivered my daughter was actually a really good doctor. He was so good that I went to him for my follow-up appointment. This visit would open the Pandora box of my body so wide that I haven't been able to shut it five years later.
 He ran all the normal tests, but the results that would come back were anything but normal. I had the same abnormal results as before only this time the nurse who called me insisted that I come back the very same week. Maybe it was because I was older and had a family that I decided to go back to the doctor, or it could have been that being more mature now I wanted to know what was going on with my body. Either way it goes, I went back to finally hear the news I had been running from for almost a decade. I went to the appointment without my husband. Most women would probably bring their husband, if not their best friend, but I felt that I needed to handle this on my own. It could have had something to do with the fact that I had this issue before I was married, or it could have just been me wanting to take care of it without bothering anyone else with my issues. Whatever the reason, I faced this issue alone.
There was no easy way to give the news, and there was no easy way to receive the news. I could tell by the look on my doctor's normally jovial face that something was definitely wrong.
"Mrs. Ralliford, I really hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you have tested positive for HPV." He says to me in his strong Spanish accent, which at times can be difficult to understand but this time I could hear him loud and clear.
"What the hell is HPV? I've never even heard of that before. And why hasn't anyone else ever found this? I have other kids, this should have been seen before, right?" I was almost yelling at him, but he kept his cool while being sympathetic to me.
"HPV is an STD that almost 80% of the population has at some point in their lives. There are several different strains of this virus, from the discreet yet annoying, to the cancer causing strain. I have had your results tested further to type the HPV." He paused for a moment, it seemed as if he were trying to gauge my reaction. "Your results came back as the more aggressive form, it seems to have been affecting you for some time and is already forming the cancerous cells. This along with your family history of cancer,  I only wish we could have caught this earlier, we could have at least prolonged this for a while longer."
"Wait a minute, your telling me that I have an STD or that I have cancer? I'm very confused." I felt as though I needed more of an explanation.
"You have an STD that is forming cancer as we speak. I apologize for being so blunt." He said with such a look of concern you would think we were family.
For once in my life I was speechless. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes, yet I fought them back with everything I could muster. How could I tell my husband? My children? Am I going to die? What do I do now? I had so many questions but I couldn't seem to get the words separated long enough in my brain to make sentences, so all I could do is sit there.
"We will have to run another test to see where we are in this, and I want to schedule that asap, this week if we can." My doctor was now snapped back into professional mode, no more emotion just down to business. "I will have my nurse make your appointment. Do you want to call your husband to come pick you up?"
"No. I can drive myself, I need some time to figure this out."I told him very matter of fact.
He gave me an appointment for three days later, hardly enough time for me to process the original news, let alone now running another test that would put me further into this battle than I ever wanted to be. This test would prove to be more emotionally draining and physically painful than I wanted to go through alone. Yet I had no other choice, my mother passed away almost a decade and a half before, I had no relationship with my sister, and I had no friends to speak of. I would go this journey alone like I had in the past. The next 48 hours would prove to be more nerve racking than I wanted to deal with after all I've been through. There were a few times when I even went back and forth on actually going back for this next test. I couldn't handle what was going to happen, or what would cine from it. The fear of the unknown well paralyze you if you allow it.
I went to the test, alone as I had done many times in the past. I could tell that my doctor was trying to be a gentle as possible, while he explained what this test would show. I was told that the test would basically give me a stage for the cancer that was growing inside of me. Would let me know how severe the cancer was at this point. There was no way that he could prepare me for the pain that this test would cause, to the point I wanted him to stop the test. It was a good thing that I had such a good doctor, both he and his nurse did everything they could to make me feel as comfortable as possible, enough to finish the procedure. When it was finished, it almost felt as though I had just had a baby, the stretching of the abdomen, the pain between my legs, and the bleeding that followed reminded me of the of the six weeks following labor. I left that appointment feeling more confused and alone than I had before going, and I would now have to wait a little longer to find out where I am in this battle against the cancer that is living inside of me.
It would be a week of anxious waiting, snapping at my husband for nothing, and bouts of depression all in the name of patience would waiting for the results of the staging procedure. When I would finally get the results, I was relieved to say the least. It was determined that I was in the very beginning of this journey, at a mere stage one. What does this mean, do I have to wait for treatment until I get worse? What are my options in treatment? How fast will this disease progress? I am filled with questions, yet I will not get them answered anytime soon. Very shortly after this test was preformed, I not only lost my medical insurance and had no way to pay for any further doctor visits, but my family would face some very difficult choices and have to move out of the state. I seemed to be in a no win situation, but I had to make best of what I was dealing with. Only after we moved I would have nothing but time to think and dwell on this situation and the fact that I could now do nothing about it.
The next time I would be seen by a doctor would be more than a year and a half later when I learned I was now pregnant with our fourth child.  This doctor waa a new doctor at a new comic and knew nothing more of my history than what I disclosed. Maybe I was hoping that if I didn't bring it up then it wouldn't exist, or that my remaining silent, denying the cancer it would lie dormant. I was proven wrong, it would present itself only this time I vilify be offered any treatment, because I was pregnant. Again this cancer is given the chance to grow more intense, sitting to other organs, affecting other bodily functions. With each visit to the doctor, little more could be said than the doctor asking how I was feeling. With each visit I could feel my frustration growing with the lack of answers, information, or remedies for this cancer now battling with my unborn child for my strength and health. I felt as though the doctor's were just sitting on their hands waiting for me to be stage three or four, on my death bed, weak from chemo. I didn't want to ever be that person, I couldn't allow myself to be that person. I wanted to get this cancer out of me yet no one was willing.

To Be Continued.........

The Troubles with Marriage

Marriage is a rocky road that takes perseverence, dedication, and loyalty in addition, it seemed as the love, devotion, and respect that brought the two of you together. Marriage will be tested constantly not only by the friction that arises normally from finances, kids, and work but also the change that you and your husband are bound to make over the years of being together and growing older. Over time people are bound to change, sometimes for the better, and others for the worse but there is almost always change. I believe that this is part of the reason that second marriages are more successful than the first. If only there was a way to fix the first marriage before it was broken to alleviate the reason for divorce.

No marriage is perfect, and my own is a perfect example of imperfection. My husband and I have been through everything, just short of infidelity and we are still together. I could tell you some stories that would make you ask why we are still together? I would have to answer that our love, devotion to eachother, and respect for our children has seen us through some very difficult situations, that I have to think have not only made us stronger as a couple but also as individuals. There is one thing that my husband and I have done that I believe helped our relationship in a small way enough to open lines of communication where there once were none. The task that I am talking about is a Mock Separation, that's right, I said Mock Separation, and it was done completly in house, without either of us moving out for even one night. Implementing an in-house separation means that you and your spouse cannot speak to each other, unless it's regarding the kids or scheduling, it also means that you are not able to sleep in the same bed together either. At times it may seem awkward, but honestly it helps. The key is that you have to stick to it and hold your ground.

I believe that I actually adjusted to the separation better than my husband. He had a very difficult time not talking, even though one of his main issues with me is that I don't talk enough. I can actually say that once the seperation began I felt a weight lifted. I honestly felt a bit of relief, maybe it was the pressure of marriage lifted, even if just for a second. I didn't have to cook for him, clean up after him, I wasn't worried about pleasing him. This may sound crazy to some, but when you are married to someone and get to a point that one, or both of you feel stuck in a rut, can't seem to get out of it but don't want to jump into a divorce, this is the best option. There are no two ways around it, this is the only way to salvage a good marriage. This is not the option for every marriage, if your marriage is beyond repair, this will not save it. If your spouse has cheated on you, is abusive, or makes your life a living hell the decision rests with you alone, whether your marriage is able to be saved and if you want to invest the energy it will take to forgive your spouse and the actions they have committed. I am fortunate that my husband has never cheated on me, and I couldn't even consider infidelity. Yet during those volatile times during our marriage, you would think that there was some form of indiscretion with the level of anguish displayed by us both.

I am among the small group of women who is confident in the fact that my husband has never physically cheated on me. On the other hand however, I can also say with confidence that my husband has had questionable conversations with about a handful of women over the ten years that we have been together. In the beginning of our relationship, me finding a text from a woman or a long phone call with an unfamiliar number would have warranted a blow out to say the least. Yet at this point in our relationship, I have given my husband amnesty to admit to his wrong doings, met with little to no reaction. Why the change of heart? It has to do with coming to terms with the type of wife that I have become. Over the years, and through the many trials I have grown more distant, yet never losing the love I have for my husband. I have become so encapsulated in my own issues that I have forgotten about those closest to me. I am able to admit that I have allowed for my life to overwhelm my very being.

My husband and I are very passionate people that seems to only be present in times of turmoil. Recognizing that we have these traits sometimes is able to help in those times of trouble. When we notice that a discussion may be heading towards a disagreement, we need to take a step back, but my husband likes to try and make me laugh, which can honestly go either way. I have to admit  though, most times I can be too serious and try my hardest to keep a straight face. In hindsight I know that I need to let go of things that are minute, while being able to take a joke especially when it's being used as a deflector. Life is hard enough without you or your spouse making things difficult, so just take a breather and make 'em laugh.

The House of Chaos

Living with your house in chaos will definetly have your family in chaos as well. When you live in constant mess, your life will be a constant mess. I am, and always do write from my personal life experience with the hopes that someone, somewhere would benefit from my chaos. This time is no different, it seems as though my own mess has slowly turned into borderline hoarding. I have found a way to get almost everything my family needs for free, and I am able to get things for my household and then some almost on a daily basis. While I am saving my family money on everything from furniture and home decor to food and household needs, I am getting so much that I have run out of space to put it all. I even find things that my family doesn't need, but that I could sell to make my family extra money, but I haven't done that yet either. It seems as though I have not only helped my family financially, but I have also hindered my family with all of the excess clutter.

If I were to take video or photos of my house, many would be shocked at how much of everything we have. There is extra everything, stacked from the floor to the ceiling. It isn't in every room, but that is to be credited to my husband who really puts up with me more than I would. It is in almost every room in my house, and the rooms not holding excess, are just a mess that need to be cleaned up. My bad habits have rubbed off onto my children. While they are not hoarders, they often refuse to do their share of cleaning around the house. I know that I am the reason for this, being so sick from having Cancer that I was bed ridden, to being in remission from cancer and piling stuff into the house daily. Not to mention my spine that only has strength when it comes to collecting and not cleaning. As you can probably imagine, the clutter and mess causes issues between my hubby and me all of the time. 

I am still trying to understand why I do the things that I do and don't do the others. Why would a woman do something that constantly causes issues between her and her husband, rather than just pushing the easy button and do what I am expected as a wife, and mother? Why do I continue to fill my home with things that I may be able to use along the way, could possibly trade for something I need, sell to bring in income, or any other reason I can think of. My husband says this is what makes me a hoarder, I have to strongly disagree. I admit, I need to be more organized in life and my household, I just hate to feel like I'm controlled or constricted even if it is by my husband for the benefit of our family. At times it seems s though I have lost all control of not only my household, but myself. I get so angry with myself when I walk through my house, tripping on yet another bin filled with dog food, all different sized plastic bags, and whatever other things I have either brought home from dumpster diving or couponing, lacking the energy to put them away. Do you know how many fights have started over someone tripping over something that has no space. I know this is an issue, yet I have such a difficult time being organized. 

I have Googled and tried more than my fair share of other people's solution to clutter, to no true avail. What works for a few months doesn't usually last much longer than that. If it isn't my physical health that drags me down, than my mental health usually gives in to its own cruel convincing that I can't do what I'm trying to do. I have even had friends offer to come help me to get the organizing under control, while I always accept the offer verbally, I don't think I could actually allow someone else to come into my home and organize my multiple boxes of sandwich baggies in all different sizes. This probably makes me look a little crazy but I have lived most of my life going without, and as long as I am able to control my movements, I will make sure that my family never has to go without. I have been able to find the means to an end, although the action in itself is physically draining. What success comes easy? None that is worth speaking about. If it comes too easy you probably won't appreciate the victory of success. So what then? What do I do to conquer this chaos that the overwhelming clutter has created? Out of the thousands of organizing techniques floating around the Internet which is the most effective in conquering the chaos, while also implementing relationship building for the family? I only wish this were a rhetorical question, I truly have not a clue. Does this make me a failure as a mother? I certainly hope not, I would think that most Uncommon Moms would feel similar, but if I am a part of some minority than so be it, at least I am able to admit that I have a problem.

 There are many reasons why aa person would accumulate so much that it leaves the category of clutter and graduated to the level of madness that will overcome the entire family.
For me there are a few different things that I can say attributed to my madness and ultimate need for a storage locker. It began with extreme couponing, gradually got worse when I began dumpster diving, got out of control when my dad passed away, and is now just being fed by dumpster diving to the point of being overwhelmed. I have so much that can be resold yet I am lacking in the motivation to get it all done. This is what has caused the chaos in my home, I am my own undoing. For some it may just be years of collecting random items, and for others it could be that a death of a loved one causing mass accumulation. Whatever the reason, the stuff has piled up to the rafters leaving little to no room to even live. To conquer this clutter will take longer than one day, even a week but the first step in accomplishment is actually admitting that there is a problem and asking for the help needed to overcome it. You just have to be certain that the person or people you ask for help are truly there to help you and do not have some alterior motive. Seek the help of others who may have been in your shoes at one point, those with no motive to form judgment, and those who you know will never use the help they give as leverage or ammunition to belittle you.

It is very important to conquer the clutter before it gets out of control, yet if you are like me it is too little too late. It is time for an overhaul in life, not only with your clutter. Taking baby steps, not overwhelming yourself, and seeking help when needed are sure fire ways to begin to conquer your own personal monster of clutter. Now it's time for me to bite the bullet and conquer my own demons.

Helpful site:






http://www.flylady.com

Mother: the heart of the home

As mothers, we carry great responsibilities on our backs, and great stress on our minds. We carry this for our entire family, both immediate and extended, blood and otherwise without much complaint. Our bodies are fragile, yet we are expected to carry more than our weight in life and yet are only honored for our daily struggles one day each year. While I am flattered at the thought of being honored, I am also disparaged to think that on every other day of they year we are taken for granted for what we do to keep our  families together;teaching our children their very values and morals, keeping our husbands sane enough to be the bread winner, all while ensuring that the house is kept up, everyone in the family gets to the doctor as needed, paying bills on time and everything else under the sun when it comes to your husband, children, and maybe (if your lucky) yourself. Why is it that there is only one day perear that actually takes time to recognize all that we do for our family?

My husband told me something today that sounded ridiculous to me, maybe it will to you too. My husband works in a garage around 15-20 males who speak daily with no filter, and a topic of discussion this past week in the shop was how they were celebrating Mothers Day. More than one of the males in the shop said that they were taking their mothers out to breakfast, buying their mother a new dishwasher, or some other gift to their mother. When my husband asked what about their wives, the men all but laughed in his face,looked him dead in his eyes and said, she isn't "my" mom! This is disgusting to me that anyone would think this way about their wives and the women who birthed their offspring. To my delight, my husband all but flipped out for the dumbest response ever. I have to hope that this mindset is limited to the Neanderthals who work with my husband but I know better. If there are this many men who feel as though their wives are not on the same level as their mother, there are more out there. To those I say, WE ARE MOTHERS. Why wouldn't I be on a higher lever than your mother when I have not only mothered YOUR children,  but I have also mothered YOU since the day we met! This mentality bothers me to no end and just want to scream when I hear it.

I am witnessing first hand what happens when mom breaks down like an old Ford pick up. The entire household had gone to shambles as I sit by watching, body riddled with pain unable to perform the duties expected of a mother and wife while my daughter's witness a mother, a female role model doing little more than cooking dinner on occasion, is angry and sad most of the time. Is this what they will learn is a mother, raising their children the same way as they were raised? Am I doing any better than my own mother who left when I was just two years old? I am better than her because I'm still here with my children and husband, striving daily to make my marriage and family better than what I had. This is the reason why we as mother's are the heart of our homes, we are what keep our lives and our family's lives in check. We are expected to be the manager of our homes, the all knowing one who can recite on the drop of a dime any and all appointments, rides, play dates, and sleep overs, not to mention being the banker and business manager of an income that is not your own. 

There is so much that is required of us as mothers, wives, and women that are tend to forget ourselves and what see need in the process. My husband and I were spending a night at our friends house when the discussion of being the caretakers came about. I was all but amazed at the way that my husband described me as I am whenever he gets sick. I didn't think that he actually was aware of the way I run through the house like a headless chicken anytime he gets his famous yearly stomach flu. Usually it never fails that when daddy gets sick, at least one of his little princesses follow suit. I never thought anyone, especially not my husband would ever even take heed to the fact that while I am busy taking care of everyone else that I know, I have allowed for myself, to be forgotten in the meantime. I am confident that most mothers of larger families can not only relate, but mirror this all so common scenario.

When do we get to the point of drawing a line in the sand? Where we as individuals are shown the same attention to detail that we give? Is this a selfish request of a mother and wife, knowing that when we got married and began having kids this was exactly what we signed up for? With all things considered, you wouldn't neglect your heart health, if physically conscious otherwise. Caring for yourself in the midst of family is no different. All too often mom goes forgotten when it comes to caring for all of those we love. There is nothing wrong with this, after all these ARE our loved ones, but we can't remain forgotten. Let me be your prime example. I lived and allowed for a mere infection go untreated to the point of cancer, and endometriosis, ravishing my insides with the only possible remedy being a full hysterectomy. To this day I am watching my back to make sure that this doesn't happen again, yet regretfully with a blind eye.

Never will anyone take care of you the east that you should take care of yourself. Most times when mom isn't putting everything and everyone else first those around us think something is wrong. It is now time to find your individual, and see what it is that she needs in order to be the best everything, instead of something or another. This life is too short to allow it to overcome you with anything other than happiness and joy, instead of the stress and despair that we live with in our daily lives. While we may be the heart of our families and homes, we cannot forget that we are of the most important pieces of our family puzzle and without us at our full capabilities we might as well not be in this position at all.

The Un-follower

I am not a follower of other blogs, maybe so I do not compare my blog to theirs. I do however know that most bloggers address their audience on a more frequent basis than I do to mine. Do I even have an audience? Well, for those of you who do happen across my page I know you are looking for something. Who would visit a blog titled the Uncommon Moms if they weren't looking for something. Most likely you are a mom like me who feels that soccer moms are a work of fiction well written and organization skills have all but run away screaming from anything you touch. Like many of you, I am still on my journey to motherhood perfection, having many hiccups along the way. This blog is somewhat therapy to me, searching for the right path and making my search as public as possible. Hopefully my quest will help,someone else along the way.

I am by no means a perfect mother or even wife for that matter. Like many, I have faults that are both visible to the naked eye, and buried deep within myself, both causing daily struggles within me as well as with my family. To some my struggles are also my faults, to me they are my hurdles, some even mountains that I alone have to bear. With these struggles, I often find myself searching for answers from others for the inner battles I struggle with, to little avail. There are not many, especially mothers who fight the same battles which makes my search a dogged one. Yet I know that while I am a mother found few and far between, there are others who struggle in a similar way that have been on the same, or similar quest as I am on now. This is why I write. I write to reach those mothers like myself who sometimes struggle with the "normal" daily routine of motherhood, who have fought with themselves just to make dinner, let alone playtime with the kiddos or quality time with the husband. Honestly I don't think I even remember the last time my husband and I did anything more than sit in the same room letting the tv watch us without a kid coming in screaming at the top of their lungs about how their sister looked at them the wrong way, hit them, or didn't want to play with them. This is the life of an uncommon mom with four kiddos under the age of ten, the oldest having emotional issues and my youngest being born with Down syndrome. To say the least, my days are never dull.

Every person struggles, and all struggles are different. No one person is able to judge another's struggle, say it is less or more than their own as all struggles are different. The life I live, the family I have, and the people I choose to surround myself with are in place because I have done something or another to have them in that exact spot. I do not follow along with the mainstream media, the blogs of talentless women flaunting around whatever city is the focus this season, or even the nightly news because of the nonsense that is given to the unsuspecting public, being camouflaged as information. I do not teach my children the typical history book stories, rather the true stories of our history and our present so that they begin life with a realistic point of view. I teach my children to be leaders, to set their own standards, to be un-follwers of the mainstream nonsense and opinions that are based on very little truth.

It is not easy to be an un-follwer especially in the age of Facebook and Twitter, where you are considered disloyal if you do not follow one of your so called friends. In this the technology age, people have stopped having face to face contact, less speaking to one another and more texting. Have we as a society lost touch with each other for convenience? Is this what we want our children to learn, that you don't actually have to know a person to be their "friend"?  I encourage more of us to elect be un-followers, to teach our children to be un-followers. There is such a stigma in having the most followers, views, re-tweets, etc., that there is no room left to be an individual with integrity. Yet another reason to be an UN-follower.

Recently there has been more attention to the "mommy blogger " that I am beginning to think that there is no true respect from the mainstream media for a writer who happens to be a mom. It could be my own mind playing tricks on me, taking offense to the things that should be brushed off, yet I can't help but notice that the respect that once was possibly given to a mother who was a writer, had now been diminished to just being a "Mommy blogger". I would like to believe that mother's are a group seldom heard from outside our own homes and immediate circles, but I have to be the voice of reality. As mother's, we are voicing our opinions more than just to the anonymous web but also in our children's schools, with doctors, in our daily lives yet I would like to believe that the opportunity to voice my opinions to the broad audience of the web is much better than once in a while having to call someone's corporate office to get my point across.

Whatever the forum, whatever the content I am ready to voice my opinions on anything from parenting to maternal depression to marital discourse, in a way that is seldom heard in mainstream media, very blunt with little to no filter. At times you may think to yourself, she is too raw, she needs censorship, or whatever else you may think of the outspoken. I am a mother who has seen the bad side of most facets of life including less than notable healthcare, being misdiagnosed and having to literally fight to be seen by a Dr., along with my children who have suffered rare hearing disorders going years without being properly diagnosed, dealing with a post partum diagnosis of Down Syndrome in my youngest as At in a positive way instead of esson. I am by no means looking for a pity party, rather showing the adversity that I have faced, and have been able to conquer in my life to only use it as a building block of sorts. The challenges I have faced in life have given me experiences that I can use to teach my children, stories to tell over coffee, and endless writing material that promises to at least keep your attention. While many of the roads I have traveled have brought me to where I am now, the stops along the way have been worth it.

Introduction to My Inner Crazy

I used to believe that we all had a little crazy inside, just waiting to be released at the right moment and that I just have an issue knowing when it was the appropriate time to unleash. I am beginning to see that not everyone has that inner crazy and it is quite possibly a me issue. At the ripe old age of 32 I am finally realizing and owning my inner crazy, however it is possibly too late.

At the age of 12, I was not only diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder but I also lost my birth mother to suicide by means of auto accident. At that age, I couldn't grasp the totality of losing the person who I barely knew as mom, let alone understand what it meant to have a Borderline Personality Disorder. Even now, 20 years later I am still learning what it means to be a Borderline Personality. Just the other day I learned that a person with Borderline Personality believes that fundamentally there is something wrong with them. I've always felt as though I were inadequate in some manner but could never understand why I felt this way or what to do to stop it. This feeling has greatly impacted not only my outlook on life and how I feel about my life and what I contribute.

Borderline Personality Disorder is now carrying on to my children, breeding this confusion in them. I have three girls with my oldest only 9.5 years old, and a two-year old son who was born with Down Syndrome. My daughters all suffer from some form of emotional Disorder, while my son is non verbal, and I can't help but think in the back of my head that this is my fault somehow. And then the light bulb goes off! It's simple as nurture vs nature. I have conditioned my children to my way of thinking, my Borderline way of thinking to the point that they think it is normal and rational thinking. The conclusion to this dilemma is that both my nature that I have passed down and the nurture of my parenting skills has dictated that my children will inevitably suffer from this same fate if I allow it to continue to grow within my home. What choice do I really have, does anyone suffering from this disorder have when you are a mother, father, grandparent and have people relying on you, little people who don't know anything that hasn't been taught to them.

Is it selfish to need to take time away from life to get a handle on this disorder that makes me feel as though I'll never be better? Why would a mother want to be away from her children? A wife from her husband, if not to become a better person individually? To even imagine taking time away from my family seems almost foreign to me, but in order to improve my children's environment, I may have to embark on a soul searching trip. Not having to go far geographically more metaphorically to clear all of the negative thoughts making way for nothing but passive actions and thoughtful living, humility and knowing my own self worth. This disorder will make you believe the worst about yourself so it is almost required that you are able to clear all the negative thoughts about yourself from yourself.

My husband has told me several times over the years we have been together, that I need to destroy and rebuild from the inside out. What does this mean when I have already broken myself down to the bare bottom? How do I begin to break free from the negative thinking and doing when that seems to be the only way of action? It begins with the full sized mirror, usually reserved for dressing and primping, that has become the first step in my transformation. This seemingly inanimate object is the very reflection of my inner self, wearing my emotions and stress like a mask in the theatre for all to see and judge. I am the only person in control of that mirror and its reflections, therefore it is my duty alone to change the years of negative thinking, and beating up on myself and those around me.

Anyone who suffers from or has a loved one who suffers from any mental illness can easily testify to the difficulty of having a stable, loving relationship. Once I have forgiven myself, and been forgiven by my loved ones we are all more able to forget the past completely. This is all simpler to say than actually do, but once everyone can set the goal of forgiveness and forgetfulness, it may be easier to attain.
For me, this journey is more urgent than others, my marriage and happiness are on the line. This disorder takes over all aspects of my life from self esteem to my libido, and my kiddos are even beginning to show signs of the very behavior that is used to identify Borderline, yet as more of a learned behavior not knowing that how they are behaving is wrong. This is unacceptable and must be fixed NOW.

My marriage is suffering like no other, from the outside looking in I could very well be sabotaging the very bond that has kept us together for 10 years. I'm no longer the woman my husband married. I am more angry, standoffish, unmotivated, and sad than ever before, not feeling able to give my husband or children what they need so bad. Something is missing in my life, something so simple that everyone else takes for granted, and when I think I have it I usually do something to mess it up. But would this really be the cure all that I need? Or will it end up snake oil like usual. Life is funny that way, just when you think you've got it all you lose everything you thought was concrete. I don't even think I would know what to do with it if I had it. Oh well, life is Murphy's law and nothing good ever comes easy and without consequence.

The Pain Within

In life we focus so much on what another persons perceptions of us is that we do not have the time or the where with all to have a perception of ourselves. Almost one year before I was officially diagnosed with cancer, I had an older woman, who was in remission ask me who my oncologist was, presumably because of my outer appearance. I had circles around my eyes, my face was sunken in, I was skinny, and my hair was growing back after being cut almost to the root. Shortly thereafter while my husband and I were in an auto parts store, a man who was in line behind him was trying to make conversation with him by asking if he knew if I ( who was off looking at a display, still within earshot) was a man or a woman?! This goes to show that different people, in different situations will have a very different perception of the same person, situation, or thing. What can be learned from these very different situations, aside from the obviously different perceptions? For me, at that point in my life, it only made me feel more self conscious about how I looked, and more depressed about the way I felt, saw myself, and others saw me. It drove me deep into a place mentally that was not a good one. My husband kept trying to convince me that I was better than that , but how much could that be true when before the next year was over, I did in fact have cancer and there was nothing that could be done about that. 

I have been blessed to not feel as though my family lives below the Federal Poverty Level, yet according to our finances, we do. This should, and would in many states, automatically qualify me and my entire family for medical insurance, especially since I now have a cancer diagnosis. In the great state of Texas, this is not the case. If my husband were working, or we even borrow more than a certain amount of money and report it to the proper authorities, that automatically disqualifies us from receiving medical insurance. I lived with cervical cancer that spread into my uterus and ovaries, also causing Endometreosis for over four years, without many people even knowing. I didn't reach out to the Cancer Society, or any other of the agencies that are supposed to assist with things such as medical care because in all honesty, they are not actually set up for people like me. The people who live under the line. There is a common miss perception that these places are in fact in place to help those who are in "my situation", but there is always some reason or another that I do not qualify. I battled this illness with nothing more than my husband at my side trying to take care of the bitter old woman trapped in his wife's deteriorating body. I think the worst part of it all was my ability to still get pregnant. I don't think either me or my husband really understood this. I was in constant pain, to have sex only made the pain worse, yet as a wife I felt somewhat obligated to be intimate with my husband her I could. It seemed as though every time we made love, I was pregnant and each pregnancy made my pain that I was already suffering from having cancer even worse. By the time I was pregnant with my last child. I was on bed rest for the entire pregnancy, pretty much couldn't walk without my husband helping me, and there was nothing anyone could do to help.

It was amazing to me because even after my son was born, the doctors that I usually ended up with didn't seem to have a clue what they were doing. No one wanted to perform the one surgery that would presumably end it all in one try, they all wanted to keep me on pain medication. As anyone with four children, one being a newborn with Down Syndrome and oldest child with Emotional disorder, can attest to, you cannot be doped up on pain pills. I did not want to be on medications. I wanted to be free of this monster inside of me. Was this such an unreasonable request when the surgery was simple and basically a no brainer with my case? It took me six doctors, and twice being walked out by security to find a doctor with the same way of thinking. He was able to see that this was eating me alive. I was miserable, depressed, unmotivated to be anything, let alone a wife and mother. I was literally dying from my soul outward. This diagnoses had weighed me so far down that I felt as though it was almost impossible to dig a way out. Unless you have been in this situation, no matter why you were there, you cannot imagine the depth of the depression that I speak of. It is deeper than the Grand Canyon and darker than the darkest corner of the universe. It is the most lonely place, your echo is the loudest you have ever heard, almost deafening. Yet you can always see a pinhole of light far off I the distance and you know you have to get to that light no matter what. This is what my diagnoses was, and I was originally only diagnosed with cervical cancer. I needed to be free from the physical and mental torture that I was suffering from for so long, and this doctor was able to see the way out. It seemed so simple, why wasn't this done three years ago? Oh yeah, no insurance. The only way I was even at this doctor was because my husband lost his job. The double sided sword of living in poverty.

Within two weeks I was being prepped for surgery. I was excited and nervous all the same, but I knew this was the only way to save my life. A simple hysterectomy, taking out everything that both made me sick and allowed me to bring life was all it took to heal this suffering that I felt. They found so much that seemed to be in plain sight of any decent doctor. All of this could have been avoided. Depression quickly turned to anger and distrust of medical unprofessionals. I felt like the target of an office pool, of how long I would live for with so moch going wrong. How could I be happy? I should be for the second chance at life right? Not exactly. Now I have new diagnoses that have been growing and festering within for even longer than the cancer was. Imagine the irony, I was so busy focusing on one disease that seven others crept up and took over my entire nervous system and spinal cord. With all of this, I have still devoted my life to helping others in need. I try and help as many random people as I can, and now I have begun a charity to help families, especially during this time of year, with holidays looming. I know that regardless to how much pain I suffer, there is always someone else who is worse. There is always someone who is suffering the same illnesses, living in a box, literally. I am in no way being faciscious, just honest opinion.

 Life is difficult for everyone no matter who you are, where you are from, or what you look like so it is better to play the hand that is dealt rather than swapping cards in the deck. We always think that those who are financially privileged either don't struggle, or are immune to disease as if they are made of Teflon. Most times those of us grossing less than $100,000 per year have less stress than a person who is in the top 1%, only because they have more people around them wanting to be taken care of. Health wise I have to believe that those who are more fortunate have less issues with better care. Nothing can be done about terminal disease, yet for the most part they are healthier and have better quality of care. Money can help out with most issues in life but what happens to your health is almost inevitable.

The Resolution of Imperfection

We are half of the way through 2015, the kids are out of school for the summer, yet I know that I am no where near where I should be in respects to my New Years Resolutions. I have had to learn that nothing ever happens according to plans. That is just how life works sometimes, things don't go exactly as planned. The me from a couple of years ago would have probably been beating up on myself for not having completed anything that I wanted to have completed by now, but now as a 30-ish mother of two special needs kiddos, being a Cancer warrior myself, I know that LIFE ALWAYS GETS IN THE WAY. You cannot bash yourself for what you cannot control.

The only way to make a change is if you are ready to make a change, and you may not always be as ready as you think. Honestly, when you suffer within yourself daily, as I do with the constant pain that I am in, in addition to the daily battles with my children, change seems almost impossible, when I do remember to think about the change I am striving for. Life always seems to get in the way of trying to better myself. Why does it seem as though my life is sabotaging itself? The answer is simple, I am allowing my life to run away with itself. Change comes in baby steps, and never happens overnight. This is something that I have had to learn the hard way over my 32 years on this Earth, as have many mothers, fathers, and people in general. 

All of us have had different life experiences, upbringing, and environment which have formed us to be a certain way, those same factors have either been an asset or a liability to us as individuals. The style of parenting which your own parents practiced has either taught you the best or worst skills to utilize in our own lives. Personally, i did not have the best up bringing, yet my father did the best he could do with the skills he had.  My father had no knowledge of how to raise a girl to be a young lady, and though he gave it his best , I am still lost as a female, wife, and mother. Now the responsibility lies with me alone, I am now responsible to turn three little girls into three young women with less of an instructional manual than a person who grew up with a positive female role model. 

What does any of this have to do with a New Year's resolution? For some, absolutely nothing, but for me, it has everything do with my New Year's resolution. I have been a mother for over nine years and have four kiddos all individuals in their own rights. On the outside, they are all very smart, helpful, and sweet children, yet to me and my husband they are like Jekyll and Hyde. Most people who know my children have nothing but great things to say about them, yet as soon as they are at home, in their comfort zone they turn into little monsters! This falls more on me as the parent than it does on my children because of the lack of consistency, true boundaries, and a concrete set of guidelines to follow. This is where my resolutions come into play. This is the point when I as the mother need to show my children the consistency that I lacked as a child and has lasted until this day to some degree. 

I am not the only parent in this seemingly never ending cycle of struggles, but I am able to recognize and want to change the ways of my father in me. I have had the same resolution for about eight years now, which more than shows that it has yet to be accomplished. It has nothing to do with my weight or physical appearance, rather the amount of patience I am able to exhibit, no matter the situation. Another has to do deal with my abilities to improve my own life, by means of becoming more able to control my own impulses. My husband has stated on more than one occasion that he doesn't like going places with me because he doesn't know whether or not I'm going to have to be walked out. I honestly do not plan on being embarrassed in this way but if I feel that something is not right I make a point to make it right. Many times I have become aggressive verbally when in this type of situation.  This is my inner demon, my Achilles heel, the one thing that could take me down in life if I do not get my impulses under control. I am a mother and I definitely do not want my children to pick up this trait and all that comes with it. They have already begun to pick up on traits of mine, some better than others yet we do not choose what our children will learn.

We all stress over making resolutions, these changes that we seek in our lives for only a small moment in time, but are they really worth all of the hype? Why isn't this same drive and determination being used to change all 365 days of being you? If you have the energy to read this blog than you have the energy to first desire the change, and then that same desire is turned into that change in you. I am still changing and finding the desire to change on a regular basis, so we are in this fight together.

One of the Best Decisions Our Family Ever Made

By now, most families have filed and long since spent whatever tax refund received, and are back in the groove of paycheck to paycheck. At this point, your family is like mine, trying to figure ways mid year to have a good amount of savings to fall back on. I found the idea of the 30 day spending freeze while trying to figure out how to get my clutter under control. Honestly I don't have the best memory and can't remember exactly which site I found this idea, but I have since seen it on other sites such as Pintrest. I ended up devoting to the spending freeze and foregoing the de-clutter project, mainly out of curiosity, but with a hint of laziness as my determining factor. 

A Spending Freeze is just what it sounds like, no spending on anything, period. This means no nights of " I don't feel like cooking," no coupon trips, nothing if it is not an absolute emergancy. And sadly, wine cannot be considered as an emergancy, so you had better make sure you stock up on what ever it is that you may need over the period of your freeze because if you run out during the freeze, that's it. The only money that can be taken out of your income is gas for your vehicle, and absolute emergencies, and running out of wine does not constitute for an emergancy so stock up. I keep repeating to stock up, I know from experience when you run out of something during the freeze is definetly not fun. As a matter of practice, our family uses the last couple of paychecks before our freeze to stock up on anything we may need over a months time.

The idea of the freeze is to not only save money, but it will also bring your family closer together. Being that there is a spending freeze in effect, the family spends no money on entertainment either. In my family, the main things that we do for fun are thrift store shopping, and movies whether it be Redbox or the Drive-In. These things stop during the freeze, giving us a chance to use what we already have around the house to do with eachother, in order to occupy our time as a family. This gives us an opportunity to see what we actually have at home, including bins of arts and crafts supplies, hundreds of movies, two game systems, a Nintendo DS, and a couple of plug and plays. With all of this at home, it is a wonder we still find the need of going to the thrift stores!

Beginning April 1, my family will begin our second Spending Freeze, and no it is not a joke. We have decided that we will also begin doing the Spending Freeze every other month, in order to ensure that we can take ourselves out of the paycheck to paycheck scenerio of so many families. This is the way to become financially free without having to take on a second and third job, or bending over backward for a raise. We as mothers are in control of our families, we are the CEO, CFO, and Chair of the Board and what we say goes so if we say it is time to buckle down and stop spending than that is what has to happen. I may not be a very organized mom but I bet you one thing, I am on it when it comes to our money. Granted many times that we do go out and spend money, it is following my lead, so now I will lead my family in our "unspending." This will be our family's second spending freeze, only the first spending freeze was called off about a week and a half early. This time I will not allow for small wrenches to stop the machine as a whole. You too can do the same. The spending freeze is not difficult and in the end, you will see nothing but positive from the money your family was able to save buy simply foregoing spending money on unnessecary clutter.

Saving money is not the only positive that comes from the spending freeze. This gives your family opportunities to do many things that will improve your overall quality of life, your relationships with your spouse and children, and the appearance of your home. There are so many things that your family can do without spending money from family game night to a clean up competition to making flubber and play dough with the kids. With this spending freeze I plan on purging and organizing my house in the 30 days time.

 I definetly have my work cut out for me with that task, but I have 30 days and four other capable human beings in my home to be able to get it done. My children will definetly fight, kick, and scream while my husband goes OCD at the wrong place and time. During the 30 days we also have the opportunity to pull out all of those art supplies that I have found along the way to do random projects on the weekends instead of making plans to go out and spend money. 

In reality the spending freeze should be simple, there are only eight weekend days per month, which translates into eight days of no school or work to have to coordinate things to do for the entire family. To make it even simpler, you can prepare ahead freezer meals to ensure that you don't spend money on fast food during the week on those extra busy days. In reality, it only takes 21 days to form a habit, why not make it one that is beneficial to our entire family like the Spending Freeze. In one months time, we have the ability to turn our families from spenders to savers, as long as we can stick to our guns not spending any money unless it is an emergency. There is not much to it at all. You and your husband need to both agree to stick to the agreement and not spend any money. This may be difficult to break habits of buying coffee on the way to work, or buying newspapers every week for your coupons, there is no spending. You need to prepare before hand and buy any supplies you may need before you begin.

 I also suggest to not grocery shop for anything other than milk and eggs during the freeze and only eat what is on hand. I'm pretty sure we can all dig out at least two and a half weeks of meals if we put our minds to it. This is the perfect time to get in the habit of making a menu for the week or month. It is also a great time to set up and implement a freezer cooking schedule and menu as well. Freezer cooking is not only a great way to use what is on hand, it is also a great way to save time on cooking throughout the week, or even the entire month, if you are so bold. I have some issues with consistency even if it makes life a little easier, yet this could be an article in itself. You may find yourself running out of food by the third week, if this is the case make a budget, look for the best sales hopefully some of which will have instore coupons, since we cannot spend any money on inserts and go to the grocery store. Make sure you make a list and stick to that list. That is one of the easiest ways to lose your budget at the grocery store is to not stick to your list. When you are making your list, plan your menu at the same time, so you will know what ingredients are needed and what is on hand. This is not rocket science, but sometimes we all need a recipe for life.

Our first Spending Freeze was not quite as difficult as we had anticipated, yet we did allow for a small emergancy to take us from our focus and essentially ended the Freeze a week and a half early. His is ok! I had to keep removing myself that we completed two and a half weeks of no spending. Do you see how I made the glass half full? In most every other aspect in life is about the glass being half empty, why not take something like not spending money and make that the glass half full. Yes I know that the world revolves around money, but completing any portion of the spending freeze is a victory even if just for a week. Take the time to learn about yourself, your spouse and your family, to embrace the blessings that you do have, and to get on top of our finances. I wish you all the best of luck in whatever your journey is and where it will take you.

The Stigma of Skinny

In today's society, there is a huge emphasis on being skinny. To be fat is to be lazy, is something I hear often. I am far from overweight, in fact I struggle with my weight and losing too much, from years of having Cancer and other health problems, along with some pretty bad choices in my diet and the way I take care of myself. I can be considered a rarity, when people compliment me on how thin I am having four kids, I usually respond that I would rather be heavier.

People have a hard time understanding that I would rather gain 30 pounds than keep the size 5, 135 pound body that I am in. I look in the mirror, and I am not pleased with what I see staring back at me. I look in the mirror and I am quickly depressed at the shape my body has taken. Aside from when I was pregnant, I have not weighed over 130 pounds since before I suffered from cancer, and before that, I was only a mere 150 pounds, standing at 5'8" tall. I cannot recall a time when I ever envied or wanted to be like one of those super skinny cover models, showing off their rib bones as if the are the sexiest feature they have to offer. Many will read my words and wonder what drug I am on, trying to weigh over 150 pounds, but when you are this size all of your adult life, had to fight off disease after disease, and being too weak to even move at times would make anyone want to be heavier. 

I've had many "stigmatic" moments in my life that have been the dose of reality needed for anyone to fight, or become super depressed in their own body and sadly, I have become the latter. Seeing photos of myself at a weight of less than 120 pounds, showing my definitions in my bones, looking like my clothes were going to just fall off, is devastating to say the least. Depression sets in and that always brings with it my lack of feeding myself. I will totally stop eating if I am eating alone. If I am not feeding my family, I do not eat. My husband notices and with his sarcastic sense of "humor" pokes fun trying to get me to eat by making me see that others see what I am doing to myself. Yet that would never help, only hurt me more than he ever intended and drives me into a deeper depression. This life of depression, pain, poor health, and basic fasting are overwhelming to say the least. There is never a day that goes by that I do not feel bad about myself, regardless of how my husband tries to make me feel better, or someone doesn't believe that i have four children because I am so skinny. This is not a compliment to me, this only makes me feel worse about myself because, I remember how fast the baby weight just "fell" off after all of my kids and how badly I wished it would have just stayed on. But with each pregnancy, i do not gain more than 30 pounds for the first six months, then I am able to gain enough weight to be healthy enough for the pregnancy, but then shortly after my children were born, the weight comes flying off.

Many people eat when they are stressed out, I lose my appetite completly. I can go for days without eating, but I cannot identify myself as having an eating disorder. I do not feel as though I am making a choice as to whether or not I am eating or not. I do not look in the mirror and want to be skinny, or feel that I am too fat and need to lose the weight. It is exactly the opposite. I want to gain weight, but it seems as though my bodies response to stress is to go hungry. Does this make sense to you? Me either. As backwards as it is, this is my reality. This has caused for countless questions, to taking vitamins to help me gain weight, even leading to many blood tests leading to no answers and yet another mistery diagnosis to add to my list. Will I ever find the answer to wait ails me? Will I continue to be unable to eat for days when I get to stressed out? I am not sure that I will ever have all of the answers, but when do we ever? 

Not having all of the answers is frustrating for anyone, let alone a person who is more than used to hearing disheartening news from the doctor. I lived for more than 5 years with cancer growing, and festering in my body, without even a word from my doctors aside from prescribing more pain medication. I lived my life in constant pain, knowing that this disease was growing, begging to be treated, all to fall on deaf ears. This struggle with my weight seems no different. It will sound strange to compare weight problems to Cancer, but to a person who has battled both ailments, there is little difference in the actual struggle of the fight.

When Mom Isn't Healthy Enough to Be Mom

                   

A mother with any sort of disability feels less than able to be the best mother she can be. There are limits to what a mother can do if she is in any sort of pain, which inevitably leads to feelings of inadequacy, which leads to low self esteem, feeling like a burden to the family members who are taking care of you, and eventually depression. When mom is physically in pain, that does not mean that mentally she is 100%. Imagine that it was you sitting in bed all day, just watching your family and your life pass you by. The anger eventually takes over for the depression, to a point that your family may not want to be around you. It is difficult when mom is ill, difficult for all members of the family. I wish that I could write this post from my husbands point of view, as he experiences daily what any family with a disabled mom has to experience, from the lack of a motherly presence to having to not only be the caretaker of the family, but also the caretaker of mom.

There are hundreds of thousands of mothers who are ill, either short term or chronically every day. For those who are chronically ill there is not only the battle of the illness but there is also the inner battle that mom battles internally with her emotions that at times can seem to outweigh the physical illness. The emotional battles that mom faces are countless and ever changing, but there are some that seem constant like the depression, the anger, and the feelings of being worthless and a burden to your loved ones. When you are unable to even make dinner for your family you begin to feel terrible about yourself. My husband always tells me that I am only a burden when I am angry, that he doesn't mind coming home from work to have to do household chores as long as I am appreciative. I respect my husband because of his honesty, he doesn't mind telling me when I'm acting like a complete idiot. I think that the same can be said of other spouse/caretakers, if their wives were more appreciative of the things they do it would be easier for them to do those things.

How can you be positive when you feel so bad about yourself and your situation? Even if your condition is terminal, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. It is much easier said than done but we have to remain positive throughout the endless doctor appointments, blood tests, chemo, dialysis, the fatigue and nausea. It sounds like a joke, to be positive throughout the turmoil of chronic and terminal illnesses, but when you have a loved one who is willing to care of you without judgement, you have no choice but to be grateful and show it. But what about those of us who do not have the love and support that we should have? What if you are alone in your journey, unmarked, no children? What about those of us who are in marriages that are less than supportive, whose husbands belittle us for the things we are unable to do? What do you do in those situations, if you do not believe in divorce or if you have children involved? Do you allow for your children to see you being treated this way or do you muster all of the strength you have to communicate with your husband abut what is wrong, giving him the choice to change or move on? The latter is the most positive, while also putting the back in your hubby's court, giving him the choice to change or leave. I am not a promoter of divorce but if there is no change in sight, you are dealing with your own pains and shortfalls without having the person who is supposed to be by your side through sickness and health treating you in a negative way. When mom is chronically ill, mom needs the support that she gives the family when they are ill or in need of love. Many times moms needs are pushed to the side when there is more pressing family business to take care of. 

If you have a supportive family, then you are blessed. If you have a family who is confused as to how to help you feel better, you are the only one who can teach them how to care for you. I know you don't have the energy to even care for yourself, but they are lost, and have no idea what to do. You are able to use every experience as a teaching and learning opportunity, even if you have to order books from Amazon and have them read the books to learn how to be a better care taker and supporter of you and what you are going through. I have had several issues in trying to not only teach my family how to take better care of me, but also how to learn and accept that they are still learning and that I cannot take out my anger about being sick on them. I have had to learn patience so that I do not push them away and make them not want to help and care for me. It is difficult being chronically ill with small children. As a person you want to think they are old enough to understand what is going on and why you are always in bed, but as a mother you know they could not possibly understand what is going on in their family. Being a chronically ill mother and wife holds many challenges for all people involved, but it doesn't have to be faced as a challenge, it can be a learning experience, while bonding the family closer if it is approached the right way. 

You may be in a sirtuation were you do not know how to care for yourself, let alone teach others how to do it. Start from the beginning, learning how to accept your illness. I personally have been chronically ill since 2010, and from experience it is tough not only physically but also mentally. I know that I have caused many burdens on both my husband and children, having been on bed rest for over 6 months, and the amount of time I am unable to move as freely as the normal 30 something is always decreasing. It is very difficult for me to process the fact that I am unable to be "normal" by many means, which adds to my already tough to battle depression, making me feel worse about myself. I cannot sit around and feel sorry for myself, I have to try and be as active as possible, I have to know my own personal limits, and I have to be proactive in both. If being proactive means that I work a little at my goal and then take a nap, than so be it! Take the nap and start again when you get up. Don't beat yourself up about having to take a nap, we are fighting a constant uphill battle and it gets exhausting quickly. The key is to not give up, not to beat yourself up, and to keep going. You can make your routine fit your energy. If you have energy in the morning, make dinner in the morning, try crock pot recipes, they arca lifesaver when you find yourself with less energy. You can make them ahead and freeze them, put them in the crock of frozen, and take a nap while its cooking. This is the best case scenerio when you have little to no energy, and need time to recoup. 

I know that being ill brings a messy house, you can't clean daily like you normally would, sometimes you may even go for weeks without cleaning up, and for some that is ok, but not for the Uncommon Mom. I cannot stand a mess. It makes me feel worse, physically when I see a messy house, but I am not always able to help clean up. This is where you have to enlist the help of the other people in your family, by means of using honey and not vinegar. Our family members are not inside our bodies, do not know how we feel unless we tell them, and then even still they cannot grasp the range. You have to have as open a line of communication as possible, telling them what you need form them. I know that your kiddos are probably not much different than mine, they don't want "mommy the monster" they want "sweetie mommy" so if that means they have to help out a little more around the house, they will atleast try. Give them a chance to try. Teach them the right way, on one of the spurts of energy, save up all of  your patience for this time and teach them how to help you.

As with all things in life, teaching your kids and husband to help with the tasks that are usually handled by mom is easier said than done. If your kids are like mine they are young, full of excuses, and ALWAYS fighting, honestly most days I end up taking on the chore that I gave to one of my kiddos. This is very frustrating, especially since I am asking for help to begin with. I am constantly asking people for advice on how to deal with this situation, yet most times, they are as clueless as I am, being that I have tried everything from bribes to taking away all of their prized possessions and nothing seems to faze them. Honestly at times it seems as though they would rather live in the filth! What do we as mothers do? BE PERSISTANT. This is almost always easier said than done, but it's true we have to keep on the, until they get tired of hearing us and they just do it.

I know that having any chronic illness is difficult. It not only takes a toll on you physically, but it also kills any bit of energy, motivation, and determination that you may have. When we are sick, any and every duty that we hold as mothers falls by the wayside, becoming a burden on our family members. If we sit around feeling sorry for ourselves then nothing will ever got taken care of, not even your health. I speak from experience when I say that I know how easily life can get out of control when you are chronically ill. It is time to take back the control of your life by fighting the feelings of being overwhelmed and swallowing the negativity. We can do it together.