It began like any other day, waking up at 6:30 to get our two oldest daughters of to school, my husband just happened to be off that day. I have made it a habit to drink my morning coffee while on the phone with my dad catching up, and checking on his health. Yet for the past month or so we have been having another of one of our silent spells of not speaking to each other because of some disagreement or another. My dad and I had the type of relationship that could only be understood if you knew the both of us. It could run hot or cold, depending on the topic at hand, but we could not be divided. Even though we were experiencing "radio silence" for some reason, today was the day for all of that to end. I didn't like not speaking to him for so long, never had we gone this long without a single word.
As I sat outside, drinking my coffee I just had this overwhelming feeling to speak to my dad, a feeling in my gut that pushed me to calling him. Regardless to how terrible the argument, I can usually get ahold of my dad after a few tries. He knows how to hold a grudge, a trait that I have no doubt inherited from him but he also gets annoyed easily and would have answered with my persistence. Today is different. Today I cannot get him on the phone, either cell or house. My dad has several health issues, any one which could take his life at any moment, which is the reason he has drilled his "plan of action" into my head these past few months. If I am unable to get him on the phone after a few tries I am supposed to call his brother who lives only an hour away from him, since I am almost 1000 miles away. I didn't call him right away, first I called the area hospital since my dad has been in and out recently. He is not in the hospital. I then called his apartment manager to do a welfare check because at this point I'm getting worried. I get a call back about 15-20 minutes later saying that the lights are on in my dad's apartment (it's 9:30 in the morning), and my dad's truck is in the same spot it was in on Friday which caused alarm because it is now Tuesday.
It's time to call my dad's brother to find out what is going on. Thankfully my dad had given me his number before hand, without it I would have the added stress of now having to locate his brother as well. I have to ask my husband to go locate the phone number, as I am too stressed out to find anything. He comes back with the number and I dial it, trying to stay my shaking hands so I'm not pressing the wrong numbers. When I finally get him on the phone, the tone of his voice is as shaky as my fingers at this point. He was nervous and couldn't get out more than three words, the same three words repeated three times until iI almost had to yell to get it out of him. "Where is my dad," was the only thing I can remember asking him yet I don't think I could ever prepare myself for the next words to come out of his mouth. I had to ask him to repeat himself at least twice before iI could actually comprehend what was said. He told me that they had actually had my dad's funeral the day before and he had passed away more than a week ago! I almost dropped my phone, I was shaking so hard, I couldn't even get any words out until I looked at my husband, that's when I asked him why? Why wouldn't he call me sooner, give me the opportunity to be present at my own dad's funeral, make decisions as to where and how he would be buried, give me the closure of being able to see my dad one last time. I was given none of that. I had to hang up the phone on him, I couldn't listen to his lies and nonsense any longer.
How could this have happened? How could I have let so much time go by that I not only was clueless to his death, but I completely missed saying good bye. I wasn't allowed this closure, this chance was stolen from me like most of my children's inheritance. I'm just glad that my husband was with me because if not for him I am not sure how I could have processed all of this. I'm not sure that I have even actually processed the totality of my grief even now, but we do the best we can. I know that the responsibility of informing my sister in Hawaii now rests in my hands and I'm not certain how she will take the news. Her and my dad had a rocky relationship to say the least, only recently getting back on speaking terms, but I can't let that stop me from notifying her. When I call her i can hardly get the words out, feeling as though I'm in shock, but i have to tell her. Finally i get it out but still couldn't believe what i had just said, it didn't seem to register with her at first either. I had to repeat myself and this time I had to tell her that we were not allowed at the funeral which happened the day before. Who would do such a thing, to not inform a person's children of their death for your own personal gain is despicable.
I have this overwhelming urge to pack up the family and take the 1000 mile journey to my dad's home. I wanted to get the last bit of contact with him or his belongings, to be able to go to his home and experience how he was living the days before he passed away. For some reason I believed that this would give me closure. This was not the case. When I get to my dad's home it was not what I expected, not so much of the house itself but the way things were left, as well as the response from my dad's brother when I informed him that I was at my dad's house. It is sad to see how lonely my dad must have been and how he actually preferred it that way. So much is going through my head that i can't even begin to process it all. Where do I even begin? There is so much to do, yet I do not think I will be able to finish it all. Maybe my dad's brother would be able to help me take care of all of this packing, after all he had been in my dad's house since he passed so he was aware of what needed to be done. My husband didn't want me to call him since he had already shown his true colors, but I felt that he should be given the chance to redeem himself. So I called him from my dad's house phone so he would know I was actually there, his reaction was for the record books. Not only would be not help, he is now telling me that I should not have come there. Are you serious?!
I am beginning to put the pieces together. I wasn't notified about my dad's death so that his brother was able to go to my dad's house and take whatever he wanted. My dad warned me about him and I should have taken him more seriously. I am so flabbergasted that I honestly cannot even think straight. At this point I felt so disgusted with this so called family that I had to pack up my family and come right back home. I couldn't even begin to pack my dad's house up I was so disgusted. In hindsight, this was probably not the best idea but at the time it was the only idea. So I filed a police report for theft and went home. I can't help but think that I should have stayed to ensure that my dad's things didn't end up in goodwill, I was driven by my emotions. I made this trip without planning anything, just took the kids out of school, my husband told his boss he would be gone about a week and that was that. Many have said that this trip was made in a snap decision and i should have expected got it to end in this way. We haven't even been at my dad's house for a couple of hours and we are already pulling out to head home, I can guarantee that will be back once I can contain my emotions.
This trip back home is probably the fastest trip home ever. We drove straight through only stopping for gas, and it only took us 16 hours instead of the average 21. I couldn't wait to get back home so I can find out what I can do about this person stealing not only from me but from my kids. By the time we got back into the state I could barely hold my eyes open but my racing mind wouldn't allow me to even consider sleep. We are in the home stretch now, having less than 200 miles to go I am beginning to get butterflies. I just cannot believe what the past 48 hours has held and it seems as though this is only the beginning of the battle. Pulling in to our driveway I feel a small sense relief, back in my comfort zone it didn't even seem to matter that we left the house in chaos or that now we are coming back only to add to the chaos with not only the belongings of my dad but the emotions coming with his death. I was actually glad that it was Easter weekend, I would have at least one day to rest before I would have to deal with my new reality. The reality of loneliness and sadness that I will now have to face without my best friend. That is who I was mourning, who I had lost, who I couldn't replace.
Most people have a difficult time being able to empathize with me when I tell them this story. Many find it difficult to even be able process the details surrounding my father's death. I find it difficult to not feel guilty about being so stubborn, not talking to my father for the time before his death. Losing my dad was one of the most difficult times I've had to conquer in my 32 years, and I have battled cancer, lost a child, even my mother passing away when I was 12 years old didn't compare to the feeling of loss that I felt when I learned my father passed away. The day that I learned my father not only passed away, but was already buried I saw that family is only as strong as its members and that if no bonds are made, none will be respected.
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