A mother with any sort of disability feels less than able to be the best mother she can be. There are limits to what a mother can do if she is in any sort of pain, which inevitably leads to feelings of inadequacy, which leads to low self esteem, feeling like a burden to the family members who are taking care of you, and eventually depression. When mom is physically in pain, that does not mean that mentally she is 100%. Imagine that it was you sitting in bed all day, just watching your family and your life pass you by. The anger eventually takes over for the depression, to a point that your family may not want to be around you. It is difficult when mom is ill, difficult for all members of the family. I wish that I could write this post from my husbands point of view, as he experiences daily what any family with a disabled mom has to experience, from the lack of a motherly presence to having to not only be the caretaker of the family, but also the caretaker of mom.
There are hundreds of thousands of mothers who are ill, either short term or chronically every day. For those who are chronically ill there is not only the battle of the illness but there is also the inner battle that mom battles internally with her emotions that at times can seem to outweigh the physical illness. The emotional battles that mom faces are countless and ever changing, but there are some that seem constant like the depression, the anger, and the feelings of being worthless and a burden to your loved ones. When you are unable to even make dinner for your family you begin to feel terrible about yourself. My husband always tells me that I am only a burden when I am angry, that he doesn't mind coming home from work to have to do household chores as long as I am appreciative. I respect my husband because of his honesty, he doesn't mind telling me when I'm acting like a complete idiot. I think that the same can be said of other spouse/caretakers, if their wives were more appreciative of the things they do it would be easier for them to do those things.
How can you be positive when you feel so bad about yourself and your situation? Even if your condition is terminal, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. It is much easier said than done but we have to remain positive throughout the endless doctor appointments, blood tests, chemo, dialysis, the fatigue and nausea. It sounds like a joke, to be positive throughout the turmoil of chronic and terminal illnesses, but when you have a loved one who is willing to care of you without judgement, you have no choice but to be grateful and show it. But what about those of us who do not have the love and support that we should have? What if you are alone in your journey, unmarked, no children? What about those of us who are in marriages that are less than supportive, whose husbands belittle us for the things we are unable to do? What do you do in those situations, if you do not believe in divorce or if you have children involved? Do you allow for your children to see you being treated this way or do you muster all of the strength you have to communicate with your husband abut what is wrong, giving him the choice to change or move on? The latter is the most positive, while also putting the back in your hubby's court, giving him the choice to change or leave. I am not a promoter of divorce but if there is no change in sight, you are dealing with your own pains and shortfalls without having the person who is supposed to be by your side through sickness and health treating you in a negative way. When mom is chronically ill, mom needs the support that she gives the family when they are ill or in need of love. Many times moms needs are pushed to the side when there is more pressing family business to take care of.
If you have a supportive family, then you are blessed. If you have a family who is confused as to how to help you feel better, you are the only one who can teach them how to care for you. I know you don't have the energy to even care for yourself, but they are lost, and have no idea what to do. You are able to use every experience as a teaching and learning opportunity, even if you have to order books from Amazon and have them read the books to learn how to be a better care taker and supporter of you and what you are going through. I have had several issues in trying to not only teach my family how to take better care of me, but also how to learn and accept that they are still learning and that I cannot take out my anger about being sick on them. I have had to learn patience so that I do not push them away and make them not want to help and care for me. It is difficult being chronically ill with small children. As a person you want to think they are old enough to understand what is going on and why you are always in bed, but as a mother you know they could not possibly understand what is going on in their family. Being a chronically ill mother and wife holds many challenges for all people involved, but it doesn't have to be faced as a challenge, it can be a learning experience, while bonding the family closer if it is approached the right way.
You may be in a sirtuation were you do not know how to care for yourself, let alone teach others how to do it. Start from the beginning, learning how to accept your illness. I personally have been chronically ill since 2010, and from experience it is tough not only physically but also mentally. I know that I have caused many burdens on both my husband and children, having been on bed rest for over 6 months, and the amount of time I am unable to move as freely as the normal 30 something is always decreasing. It is very difficult for me to process the fact that I am unable to be "normal" by many means, which adds to my already tough to battle depression, making me feel worse about myself. I cannot sit around and feel sorry for myself, I have to try and be as active as possible, I have to know my own personal limits, and I have to be proactive in both. If being proactive means that I work a little at my goal and then take a nap, than so be it! Take the nap and start again when you get up. Don't beat yourself up about having to take a nap, we are fighting a constant uphill battle and it gets exhausting quickly. The key is to not give up, not to beat yourself up, and to keep going. You can make your routine fit your energy. If you have energy in the morning, make dinner in the morning, try crock pot recipes, they arca lifesaver when you find yourself with less energy. You can make them ahead and freeze them, put them in the crock of frozen, and take a nap while its cooking. This is the best case scenerio when you have little to no energy, and need time to recoup.
I know that being ill brings a messy house, you can't clean daily like you normally would, sometimes you may even go for weeks without cleaning up, and for some that is ok, but not for the Uncommon Mom. I cannot stand a mess. It makes me feel worse, physically when I see a messy house, but I am not always able to help clean up. This is where you have to enlist the help of the other people in your family, by means of using honey and not vinegar. Our family members are not inside our bodies, do not know how we feel unless we tell them, and then even still they cannot grasp the range. You have to have as open a line of communication as possible, telling them what you need form them. I know that your kiddos are probably not much different than mine, they don't want "mommy the monster" they want "sweetie mommy" so if that means they have to help out a little more around the house, they will atleast try. Give them a chance to try. Teach them the right way, on one of the spurts of energy, save up all of your patience for this time and teach them how to help you.
As with all things in life, teaching your kids and husband to help with the tasks that are usually handled by mom is easier said than done. If your kids are like mine they are young, full of excuses, and ALWAYS fighting, honestly most days I end up taking on the chore that I gave to one of my kiddos. This is very frustrating, especially since I am asking for help to begin with. I am constantly asking people for advice on how to deal with this situation, yet most times, they are as clueless as I am, being that I have tried everything from bribes to taking away all of their prized possessions and nothing seems to faze them. Honestly at times it seems as though they would rather live in the filth! What do we as mothers do? BE PERSISTANT. This is almost always easier said than done, but it's true we have to keep on the, until they get tired of hearing us and they just do it.
I know that having any chronic illness is difficult. It not only takes a toll on you physically, but it also kills any bit of energy, motivation, and determination that you may have. When we are sick, any and every duty that we hold as mothers falls by the wayside, becoming a burden on our family members. If we sit around feeling sorry for ourselves then nothing will ever got taken care of, not even your health. I speak from experience when I say that I know how easily life can get out of control when you are chronically ill. It is time to take back the control of your life by fighting the feelings of being overwhelmed and swallowing the negativity. We can do it together.
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