I used to believe that we all had a little crazy inside, just waiting to be released at the right moment and that I just have an issue knowing when it was the appropriate time to unleash. I am beginning to see that not everyone has that inner crazy and it is quite possibly a me issue. At the ripe old age of 32 I am finally realizing and owning my inner crazy, however it is possibly too late.
At the age of 12, I was not only diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder but I also lost my birth mother to suicide by means of auto accident. At that age, I couldn't grasp the totality of losing the person who I barely knew as mom, let alone understand what it meant to have a Borderline Personality Disorder. Even now, 20 years later I am still learning what it means to be a Borderline Personality. Just the other day I learned that a person with Borderline Personality believes that fundamentally there is something wrong with them. I've always felt as though I were inadequate in some manner but could never understand why I felt this way or what to do to stop it. This feeling has greatly impacted not only my outlook on life and how I feel about my life and what I contribute.
Borderline Personality Disorder is now carrying on to my children, breeding this confusion in them. I have three girls with my oldest only 9.5 years old, and a two-year old son who was born with Down Syndrome. My daughters all suffer from some form of emotional Disorder, while my son is non verbal, and I can't help but think in the back of my head that this is my fault somehow. And then the light bulb goes off! It's simple as nurture vs nature. I have conditioned my children to my way of thinking, my Borderline way of thinking to the point that they think it is normal and rational thinking. The conclusion to this dilemma is that both my nature that I have passed down and the nurture of my parenting skills has dictated that my children will inevitably suffer from this same fate if I allow it to continue to grow within my home. What choice do I really have, does anyone suffering from this disorder have when you are a mother, father, grandparent and have people relying on you, little people who don't know anything that hasn't been taught to them.
Is it selfish to need to take time away from life to get a handle on this disorder that makes me feel as though I'll never be better? Why would a mother want to be away from her children? A wife from her husband, if not to become a better person individually? To even imagine taking time away from my family seems almost foreign to me, but in order to improve my children's environment, I may have to embark on a soul searching trip. Not having to go far geographically more metaphorically to clear all of the negative thoughts making way for nothing but passive actions and thoughtful living, humility and knowing my own self worth. This disorder will make you believe the worst about yourself so it is almost required that you are able to clear all the negative thoughts about yourself from yourself.
My husband has told me several times over the years we have been together, that I need to destroy and rebuild from the inside out. What does this mean when I have already broken myself down to the bare bottom? How do I begin to break free from the negative thinking and doing when that seems to be the only way of action? It begins with the full sized mirror, usually reserved for dressing and primping, that has become the first step in my transformation. This seemingly inanimate object is the very reflection of my inner self, wearing my emotions and stress like a mask in the theatre for all to see and judge. I am the only person in control of that mirror and its reflections, therefore it is my duty alone to change the years of negative thinking, and beating up on myself and those around me.
Anyone who suffers from or has a loved one who suffers from any mental illness can easily testify to the difficulty of having a stable, loving relationship. Once I have forgiven myself, and been forgiven by my loved ones we are all more able to forget the past completely. This is all simpler to say than actually do, but once everyone can set the goal of forgiveness and forgetfulness, it may be easier to attain.
For me, this journey is more urgent than others, my marriage and happiness are on the line. This disorder takes over all aspects of my life from self esteem to my libido, and my kiddos are even beginning to show signs of the very behavior that is used to identify Borderline, yet as more of a learned behavior not knowing that how they are behaving is wrong. This is unacceptable and must be fixed NOW.
My marriage is suffering like no other, from the outside looking in I could very well be sabotaging the very bond that has kept us together for 10 years. I'm no longer the woman my husband married. I am more angry, standoffish, unmotivated, and sad than ever before, not feeling able to give my husband or children what they need so bad. Something is missing in my life, something so simple that everyone else takes for granted, and when I think I have it I usually do something to mess it up. But would this really be the cure all that I need? Or will it end up snake oil like usual. Life is funny that way, just when you think you've got it all you lose everything you thought was concrete. I don't even think I would know what to do with it if I had it. Oh well, life is Murphy's law and nothing good ever comes easy and without consequence.
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