Who Am I?

 

The Story of the Uncommon Mom

You have most likely made yourself familiar with who I am through my blog posts, but I would like to fully and formally introduce myself. I am Karma Ralliford, born 31 years ago to parents who were anything but common, even in the early eighties. My father was a musician and my mother was something like his groupy. This was not the case for long. Two years after I was born, the band otherwise know as my family, was as broken as the Beatles after Yoko Ono. I was a product of divorce, and raised by my single parent father. This was very uncommon during this time, yet today it seems as common as single mothers. My father did what he was able to do in raising his children, being disabled and not having a clue as to how to raise any child let alone daughters. As all single parent homes, we made it work. I did not know much of my mother growing up, she took on the role of the absentee parent, showing her face when it was time for school to begin, and never on holidays. My upbringing was like that of a young boy being raised by a single father, I was always around my dad, helping him in the garage with his cars more than I played with Barbie dolls. I left that to my younger sister.

Almost immediately before puberty began, my mother came, and for all intents and purposes, legally kidnapped me and my siblings. Very soon after, she placed me and my brother in the custody of the state, in essence giving up on us completely. My younger sister stayed with my mother up until the time of her suicide, at which time she too was placed in the custody of the state. My siblings were more fortunate than myself, only being placed once or twice in much more wealthy situations than mine. I was moved around like cattle, from institution to institution, no longer knowing the meaning of family. Once I was old enough to get myself out of this situation, I did now living on the streets, fending for myself, taking care of the needs that most teenagers rely on their parents for. I was fifteen at the time. From that point on, I had to do whatever it took to ensure my survival.mi had no one looking out for me, no one to turn to for help, I was on my own in this large and unforgiving world. This was my life until I got pregnant with my first child at the age of  21. 

When I got pregnant with my first child, her father and I deecided it was time for a change. It was time to leave the place where we both had negative histories and begin somewhere else brand new, somewhere no one knew either of us or where we came from. That is what we did. We moved almost 2000 miles from the place we both knew as home, to a place that we knew no one, or anything nor did we have a place to call our own. When we got here, it was more than stressful, but we made it work. We found a small one bedroom apartment, that I swear used to be an old hotel that was converted. We had no furniture, not even a bed or a crib, but we made it work. My husband and I slept on the floor of our apartment for the first few weeks until he found a job and got his first check, and our daughter slept in a make shift crib made out of a Rubbermaid tote and blankets. Yes we struggled, but honestly we appreciate what we do have today just that much more because of it. Alike our living arraignments and our pasts, our relationship was not, nor ever has it been perfect. My husband and I have gone through many trials and tribulations, from financial trials to yelling matches over the stupidest of things. One thing I am very grateful for however is the fact that we have never had to deal with infidelity. No matter how bad the arguments, and they have gotten pretty bad at times, I have never had to worry about another woman coming to me saying that she even knows my husband. 

My life has been about as uncommon as they come. I'm not saying that there are not others out there who have a more challenging story than mine, but from what I know mine is up there in the top 25 for what I know. I lived through challenges that have taken the lives of others, have seen things that would have broken many, and I have experienced things that would make some shutter. I lost my first son when I was 26 with no logical explanation as to why or how. When I was 20-something I was diagnosed with Cervical Cancer which spread to my Ovaries and Uterus, losing any and all forms of medical coverage, receiving no treatment for over four years. My youngest child was diagnosed with Down Syndrome post-partum, the day before his first Thanksgiving, and my oldest daughter suffers  from a very rare ear deformity that causes her to hear everything in echoes. This is the foundation of the Uncommon Mom. The Uncommon Mom in me allows me to be flexible to meet the needs of my family, no matter how strange or unnecessary they may be. My family is the epitome of the Uncommon family, as we all have some sort of special need. Personally I believe that most families have some sort of special need, and when they don't, they may need one.

I tell you my story so that we may be properly introduced. When I write, I write for the top of my head, so whatever may be going on that day or week in my home, most likely will end up somewhere on my blog. I write this way so that other moms, dads, parents of any sort may know that it is ok to want to just scream sometimes. It is perfectly fine to not have dinner on the table at 6pm on the dot, to be late picking the kids up (as long as your not an hour late). Just because you are a parent does not mean that your identity is lost to being a taxi cab for your children, an errand girl for your husband, or a secretary for some Fortune 500. We are mothers, but we are also women who still have needs and wants that we must meet so that we do not lose ourselves. When you lose yourself, you have lost it all.

Resolve for a Better Year

Christmas is over, along with all of the hustle, bustle, and drama of another year passed. The New Year is finally here, and with it brings an entirely new challenge, New Year's Resolutions. As women, we may have one set of resolutions for ourselves, to make you a better person which will most likely include more exercise, more patience, and more organization skills. We will also have another set for ourselves as wives, and yet another for ourselves as mothers. The first feeling that embraces me as I make my own list of resolutions is panic and then confusion. Why do we as humans wait until every January 1st to want to change the things we don't like about ourselves? I have to believe that this is part of the reason for the panic and anxiety that comes with them. I also believe that sometimes people may put off any sort of self improvement until the New Year, when it is something that could be changed right then and there. Maybe our culture has defined us in such a way that we feel as though the only time we can change is with the New Year. Whatever the reason that we as a society wait to change for the New Year, now is the time for a societal change, so let's embrace it and actually change for the better. 

From what I know, people generally keep their resolutions to themselves and as my husband likes to reason, it is so the people around you are not pressuring you to keep the resolution. For example, a resolution to quit smoking cigarettes cold turkey would be difficult for a daily smoker. If the person were to make it known that he or she quit smoking, if they happen to slip up others would then hold that against them. I have to disagree with him and others who think this way. I believe that others could actually help with the resolution by keeping your mind off of cigarettes by keeping you busy other ways. I guess when it comes to New Years Resolutions, it truly is to each his own. The only way that anyone will be able to actually abide by the resolutions is your own way. If that means that you go and shout for the roof tops the things you want to change most, then by all means, take out a billboard, but if you need to fix yourself by yourself, then you should by all means to into your cave so that there can be improvement.

Are resolutions really as simple as an overnight change? When you are trying to change your core being, may it be attitude, issues that you have held on to since childhood, or even curbing your anger, do you expect this to change drastically between the time you go to bed on the 31st and when you wake up on the 1st? Being the realist that I am, I have to say that the change is not that simple, especially if these are behaviors that you have lived with all of your life. I think the first step to making any resolution work is that it will take consistency and hard work. What if one of your resolutions is to be more consistent? Well then I guess you are going to have your work cut out for you, as you are working on your resolution from day one. In order to be successful in any goal, you have to be consistent in the change that you are making. I'm going to be honest as it comes, I have a huge problem being consistent in life, so I am one of those people who are going to be working from day one. It is definetly going to be hard work, with many hurdles to bear, but as women and mothers we are accustomed to the hurdles of life. I know that I am going to have to find ways to be more patient, which will help me develop my ability to be consistent, as I have to be patient to be able to complete tasks which require consistency.

I hope I'm not going I'm circles, I'm honestly planning my resolutions as I write. There are few things as a mother I would like to change, but they stem from patience and consistency. Once these core issues are conquered then the doors for personal perfection are wide open. Aside from my own personal growth this year, what will be my 32nd year on this Earth, I am going to be working on the growth of my family and my home. I have allowed my home to become an overloaded storage unit, from all of the treasures that I have been fortunate enough to accumulate over the past year since I have began dumpster diving on a daily basis. Literally from my front porch to my shed in the furthest corner of my backyard there are stacks, piles, and rows of boxes and items that I have rescued from the landfill. This includes the inside of my house. The living room, my sons room, and my kitchen are really the only rooms in my house are the only places with real elbow room. 

For about a week now I have been searching Pintrest, my favorite go to for any ideas, suggestions, or just visual enlightenment for ways to get better organized. I have seen so many awesome ideas on how to organize every room in the house, but I have such a difficult time throwing thins away, how am I going to minimalist the things that need to go? My husband a.k.a. My swift kick in the butt when I need it. I actually said something this evening and it made me think for a split second that I could be on my way to being a hoarder. I quickly fought off that notion, because I do not think that a person with four kids can hoard food and other household items, just be more prepared for anything that could happen. I can only give away so much so I have to figure a way that I am able to reach more people in need. I cannot help anyone if I am unorganized, so first things first. The resolutions have to be conquered.

No change comes overnight, especially in adults. We have lived our entire lives in a way that we have become not only accustomed to but also have grown into a certain ritual, even in the way we react to various situations that arise spontaneously. It may not even be possible to change mannerisms in a years time, but in my book, as long as the work to change is consistent and genuine,there is never a time frame to completion. Change is constant in the way of daily growth and education therefore it should not easily be given up on. The new year brings much more stress than providing a wealthy Christmas for the kiddos, but you are in control of your own destiny, you are the captain of your own ship. I have searched and searched for ways to take control of not only my destiny but my household and my family so without further excuses, the buck stops here. I WILL be in control, organized, positive, and calm when working on myself and know that I am always going to be a work in progress.

With the new year brings new ideals, mannerisms, really a complete overhaul,of the person that I have grown to be in my 32 years on this Earth. I have decided that the first step in this overhaul is my home. I am a firm believer in the ideal that your happiness rests in your home. If your home is in chaos, your life will no doubt be in chaos as well. As you can probably imagine with my hobbies of dumpster diving and couponing my house easily becomes overrun with my finds. This turns any available area in my house into a catch all. I have even caught myself sounding like a legitimate hoarder, trying to save everything and finding a use for anything. At times I feel as though I have lost control of my collecting usable items,which is beginning to rub off on my children, who are just blatant slobs. Every chore is a fight that I do not have the strength or energy to fight with them. Why do they like to live in the filth? As much as me and my hubby run around the house cleaning up behind them they should see that the house should stay a certain way, it is simple to pick up your blanket off of the couch and put it away. Yet they act like I am asking them to come out dumpster diving with me so they can jump in the trash cans. Most days they cannot even find shoes to wear to school. Yet they own atleast five pairs each.

I have to be the one to take control back of not only my home, but also my family. It has been so long since I have been able to claim control that I almost don't know what it feels like anymore. Life has gotten difficult over the years, and with each year it seems it bring new problems and challenges for both me and my family, many of echo only carry over from one year to the next, never actually getting solved or even addressed. This year, things are going to be different. I am going to be a better woman, mother, and wife.

Not So Merry Christmas

Suffering from depression is difficult at any time of year, but it seems as though it gets especially bad during the holidays. For some, it is based on the season of the year otherwise known as Seasonal Affective Disorder, which winter is the season with the most cases of this form of depression. For others, it is triggered by the feeling of loss for family members that have passed away. For the rest of those who suffer from depression during the holidays it is most likely triggered by the overall sense of lonliness during this time of gatherings, happiness, friends, and family. For anyone who suffers depression it doesn't really matter what season it is, we know we are depressed, lonely, agitated, emotional, and probably blame ourselves for these very feelings, yet at we may never know is why these feelings arise initially and also when they grow more intense during this time of year. Whatever the reasons behind your depression, it is best to try and work through whatever it is that is bothering you at that moment. 

Science has shown that depression is rooted in a chemical imbalance related to serotonin levels in the brain. This, in my opinion makes a person more receptive to more serious depression related to life experience. When a person experiences events that impact them in such ways as a death, divorce, or other serious events, this only compacts with the imbalance and has the potential to make a Clinically Depressed person. Once a person is suffering from depression, without treatment it will only get worse over time, as life is bound to bring additional stressors along the way. With or with out treatment the holidays will be among those additional stressors beginning with Thanksgiving. This holiday puts a lot of pressure on the average mom, let alone the mom suffering from either Clinical Depression or S.A.D. Christmas, Chanukah, and Ramadan will no doubt be the icing on the cakes of all moms who suffer this time of year as there is more demand for mom to be on stage with how she presents the holiday.

As moms, we have demands that dads (except single parent, or SAHD) just would not understand. We are always in the spotlight, and our skills as a mother are usually based on how well we present our families and homes. This causes much undo stress on moms, in addition to the stress of running the business we all know as our families. Now imagine you also suffered from depression or some other mental illness. It would become very difficult as the time moved on to continue presenting yourself and your family as the perfect family during the holidays. Hosting the parties, decorating the house, even baking cookies and doing crafts with the kids become the most daunting tasks. There is no more joy in decorating the tree, going to see Santa Claus, or baking so many sweets your husband has to tell you to stop. This is agony in itself, let alone watching the faces of your kids when you tell them the family Christmas party has been cancelled. Depression sucks at any time of the year but it is the worst during rh holidays because you feel now more than ever that you are letting down your family.

Your depression may have slightly gotten worse over the years or it could have come on all of a sudden, when it strikes it hits hard and is twice as hard to shake. Either way it is still not a good feeing for a mother to have, especially around a time of year when we are supposed to be at our best. This is the time of year when we are in the spotlight, with the big meals and decorations. This is our time to shine, but when even feel depressed, there are no big gatherings, mass baking, maybe not even many decorations but until the issues are actually handled, there will be none. This decision is your and yours alone, but if you make the wrong choice it has the potential to backfire and you may actually lose everything. When mental illness is concerned, there are few choices to be made and as a mother the choices are even slimmer. It's either fix what's wrong, save yourself and your family, or don't and lose yourself along with anything else you hold close.

Christmas is a major holiday that is meant to bring families together to celebrate the highest holy day in the Christian faith. This day is supposed to bring joy to families, families and strangers together, and give humanity a time to release the trials of everyday life to be grateful for those things they do have. When you suffer from depression it is very difficult to be able to appreciate anything at anytime, let alone during a holiday, yet the time of year gives way for opportunity. The New Year brings new chances for change and enhancement of self. Take the opportunity when it comes. Any time a new opportunity presents itself, try it, you never know how it will affect you whether positive or negative, but you don't know until you try. Make resolutions and make yourself hold to them. I know this could be pot meet kettle but, I'm on this journey right along with you. I too suffer for. Major depression, post partum, Seasonal Depression, you name it I have it, but I am comfortable and am able to own that for the moment. I believe that depression brings procrastination, and I am good at that too. In 2015, I am vowing to be a better person, getting the things done that I need to get done, and making myself happy, while making my loved ones just as happy. We are all going to do better this year. Together.

In the News

Recently there has been a rise in police violence involving both African Americans and Caucasians, that has resulted in many unnecessary deaths. With all of those who have died from the hand or gun of the police, there have been ZERO indictments to hold them accountable for their unnecessary actions. Police officers have an obligation to both uphold the law, and to protect the community that they work in, and for the most part this is the case. However there are officers who, for some reason or another do not protect their community and abuse the power they are given. These are the officers that I talk about in this post and that needs to be clear, I am in no way speaking about the officers who are actually protecting their communities and not harming them.

Why now is there this rise is police violence? I believe it began much earlier than the general public is actually aware of. The public only knows what the media reports, meaning that there are more instances of this brutality than we are aware of. Why now is it getting such media coverage? This is a widespread issue that is occurring in more places, further from the big city than anyone would expect. Is this really about race? That cannot be since there was an incident of brutality involving a Caucasian man who had Down Syndrome while with his caretaker. This is not an issue of race, this is an issue of police feeling that they are above the law, and this being justified in the legal system with no prosecutions across the board. To watch the videos from eyewitnesses shows that these officers were not only unjustified in their actions, but they also showed no remorse or regret for their actions. A prime example of a video that I have seen recently is that of the Eric Garner case. This is clear cut use of excessive force by not one but two officers of the NYPD. To date no one has been prosecuted for the death of Mr. Garner or the Florida man. In all of the recent incidents, the police officers have been vindicated, basically told they are allowed to use banned chokeholds, taser guns on heart patients, and the shooting of unarmed "suspects". 

The most attention and media coverage is focused on the African American victims, with communities across the country, even as far as Pakistan showing support for the victims through protests, vigils, even rioting when yet another police officer is cleared of any wrong doing. The question must be asked, who is in the wrong, the officers who caused the deaths of these victims or the members of the communities policed by these officers who are fed up with the way they are being treated by these officers? Are the rioters wrong for the overwhelming emotion that has boiled over from the vindicated violence of those who have sworn to protect them? In the opinion of this mother, I do not believe that they are wrong for what they are doing, I do believe that they are taking out their anger in the wrong direction. When they destroy businesses in their own community, they do not affect those who have actually injured them, they affect other members of their own community. This is what makes no sense to me, why would you destroy that which serves you? 

Most of the victims of this police violence are African American, which shows the stand many in this race have taken against the warrant less harassment they face from the police department. I have watched video of Black males being arrested by police for absolutley no reason, and these men being abused by these police for simply asking why they are being arrested. I am able to speak from experience in saying that when you ask a police officer why you are being arrested or even stopped, they seem to become agitated and even violent. I have been assaulted by a police officer on two separate occasions, the first time I was assaulted and my wrist was broken. I had done nothing more than given a friend a ride and dropped him off at another friends house. The officer attempted to detain me at a red light and when I asked him why he was stopping me three times he pulled me out of my car by my wrist, through the window! This is a very true story which resulted in my arrest and release from police custody. Police brutality can happen to anyone, but it only happens to those who question the abuse of authority.

The police are at fault for their inexcusable actions, yet why isn't the judicial system being held accountable for their lack in ability to bring an indictment against these offenders. I personally believe that the cases for the victims are not being presented strongly enough. I watched the video from the Eric Garner case from beginning to end and I saw absolutely no reason for the two officers to have not only used an illegal technique on Mr. Garner, they also blatantly ignored when Mr. Garner repeatedly said that he could not breathe. The officers should have been held responsible in some way for causing his death. They used their bare hands, a banned technique, and ignored the pleas of their "prisoner" for his life. What evidence could have been lacking for there to be no prosecuton? This case seemed as clear cut as they come, yet these men have not been held responsible for their horrific actions. When a person kills another person by means of strangulation, they are sent to prison, yet we as a society are shown that the police are now in fact above the law. I do not think this is a question of race and profiling, I do think that it is a matter of abuse of power. The police are a using their power more than ever before.

What do we as a society do to change this fad that has evolved? I have heard people state that we as a society out number the police force, so why are we allowing them to treat our members like this? My answer to this is that our society is not that unified to be able to do something like this. We battle each other so much over the simplistic things, that other less civilized countries have taken notice to how violent we are to each other, but we do nothing to protect our society. At first sight of the Eric Garner video, I was outraged and wanted to organize something to take a stand for the members of our community who have lost their lives to over zealous, under trained police officers. This type of violence is becoming so widespread that I am almost not surprised when I hear that yet another Grand Jury has failed to indict the people responsible. This only says that police officers are above the law and are allowed to take the life of a person who is (a)not a direct threat, (b)unarmed, and (c) not actually breaking any laws at the time of initial contact with the officers. Simply put, I just gave any jury with sense reasonable doubt.

This legal form of homicide will not stop until the people responsible are held responsible. Each time a police officer is vindicated for their actions, another is given permission to do exactly the same thing. These officers will never be held responsible for their actions until society tells them that they are no longer above the law. They are no longer allowed to "stop and frisk", harass a person for standing in one spot if they have not committed a crime, detain us for freedom of speech, use excessive force against anyone, or assume a person has committed a crime because of the neighborhood they are in, the color of their skin, or the the way they dress. People actually live in high crime, low income neighborhoods that your would not expect. I am one of those people. I am Caucasian, my husband is Black, and we live in a low income, urban neighborhood. I too get profiled not only by the police but also by people in the neighborhood. I have been approached by the police because they thought I was looking for drugs, and also by the "dope boys" to buy drugs. I do not choose to live in this area, but circumstances as they are have put our family here for the moment. We all have potential to be profiled by the police as well as others in our community. Until this stops, the above the law, closed mind sets of the police and actually become a civilized society, we will continue to see the senseless violence that we have seen with the victims of police violence.

One of Those Days...

Do your mornings run smoothly, kids get ready for school without incident, leaving you to spend the rest of your day relaxed? Not in the Ralliford household. In my house it seems as though any task that includes my kids is guaranteed to hold chaos. School mornings are no different. Of my three school aged daughters, the one who usually has no problems waking up and getting dressed is the youngest, who is in Pre-K. She is who I would expect the problems from, being that this is her first year in school. But no it is her older counterparts who seem to have the issues with the morning routine, actually with any routine as I think about it. These girls are amazing and not always in a good way. I can't get them to take a shower without being some sort of argument. They are young, but very opinionated. I have to blame my husband for that as he likes to give our kids freedom to talk to is about anything and they have misconstrued it to be that they can talk any way to us as parents. Most times my husband actually entertains this and they will have banter back and forth until I put a stop to it.

My household is anything but normal, as I have said on many occasions. We are loud, my kids are rambunctious, outspoken, and quite lazy. I don't want to sound like I'm bashing them, they mean the world to me and I'd be clueless and lost without them, but they fight me over everything. This is no different when they have to get ready for school. Maybe it's my fault for doing things for them rather than arguing with them, but it takes them literally one hour to wake up, wash their face, brush their teeth and put on their uniform for school. In my opinion this is way too long. They only do their morning routine after fighting with me about the uniform shirt I picked out or the shoes I'm telling them to wear, and having to tell them more than five times to brush their teeth and stop fighting. This would drive any mother crazy, especially if it is on a daily basis. No matter how simple I try to make things they always end up being about as difficult as learning a second language while trying to learn your first.

Every moment of the morning holds fighting, talking back, tattle telling, and anything else my daughters can think of to throw a wrench in their morning. When they are finally dressed, it is time for them to get out the door, this doesn't even happen without a fight among sisters. My oldest daughter is in the third grade, and had been begging us to allow her and her sisters to walk to and from school since last school year. We only agreed to let them walk being as the school is less then half a mile down our street. They cannot do this without a fight. There have literally been mornings when I have had to go outside in my. Bathrobe and slippers to stop them from fighting. Mind you, we live next door to a church and they were in their parking lot. 

The only peace I seem to have anymore is when I'm home with my baby Omega during the day. If you know my baby, you know he was born with Down Syndrome, so this causes a delay in his development. He is two years old yet he is on the level of a one year old. He brings me peace when I am surrounded with chaos. It seems a little off that it is more peaceful with a one year old, than with three girls who are old enough to attend school but I guess that's what I signed up for having four kiddos only two years apart in age. Don't get me wrong, I love my girls but they can be trouble most of the time. And yet it seems they only respond to yelling and chaos in return. 

It seems that no punishment actually works with them. We take away their t.v., and they shrug it off. We take away their toys, they don't even shutter. This year for Christmas, we bought our kids nothing. The only gifts they got were from their grandmother, my god sister, and each other. Yet even this did not seem to phase them.  What works? Having them sit and write sentences. My two oldest are old enough for this punishment, while my youngest daughter is still too young for this. For her it seems as though quiet time works for her. She is at the age where she has begun to fall on the floor, attempting to have a tantrum. I have to ignore her. If I allow myself to get worked up, yelling and getting angry with her, she will win. Yes I said it, a four year old will hold victory over an adult when I give into her fits. I have tried to research online other means of discipline, yet it seems as though I have already tried most of them to no avail. I see what the issues are and I have to address them before I can address the behavior. As with any aspect of parenting, consistency is the key to successful parenting.

Consistency is only part of the equation. Children have to see their parents as the example, not as a hypocrite. Even as young as my kids are, they are able to recognize hypocritical behavior and do not have a problem calling me on it. Perfect example, maybe a year or two ago, my husband told my oldest daughter that she needed to keep her things neat and put away, her response to him was, why if you don't? I had to stop on my tracks when she said that, because she was right. To this day they both leave their socks balled up wherever they take them off at, like father like daughter I guess. As parents we are our children's first teacher, and no matter how much we may say that children are to do as we say and not as we do, that is really not a realistic request when they learn everything they know from us. I guess it's time to give the little buggers more credit, and break it down for them in a way they understand. Be the best example, not the worst, and know that they are like the government, always watching.

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No Instructions for Moms

As a mother of four children, I have my fair share of questions that go unanswered, frustrations that go unsettled, and burdens left unmet. Having one child with special needs, another with emotional disorders, a rare hearing disorder, anxiety and anger issues that are through the roof, it has been emotionally tasking, not only on me as a mother, but also on my other two, who happen to be my middle children, influencing their behaviors and reactions. This coupled with my own physical and mental disabilities have made the very idea of positive parenting, let alone a healthy marriage seem nothing short of unattainable. Many days the very idea of having to fold the five oversized and over stuffed laundry baskets full of clothes (that will sit for another three days before being put away), only to not have made a dent in the mountain that is our dirty laundry, while changing the dirty diaper of my youngest child, who is an aspiring gymnast at the age of 25 months, makes me light headed and dizzy,    and that is all before lunch.

Growing up, I was a product of the 1980's, which sadly meant that I was also a child of divorce. My situation was a little different though, as I was being raised by my father. My mother suffered from bipolar disorder, which caused her to have a mental breakdown and leave when I was only about the age of my youngest child. I never had any sort of female role model to teach me the ways to grow into a woman, let alone to be a good mother, so as a mother of three girls, I now have many questions that go unanswered. My husband likes to make a joke of it, telling me to "google it", and to appease him, and maybe myself as well, I do so and find little to nothing more than more confusion than I began with. So I am still left with the same, if not more questions than I began with, and still no where to go for the answers. I am lost in raising myself, let alone these four children who are not able to take care of themselves, justifiably, so where do I look for the answers? Does anyone have the answers? I mean all of the answers in one place that are feasible for me.  I'm not some soccer mom who wakes up in the morning with lipstick on, makes full breakfast at 6am while packing lunches for the family, making homemade everything, and never a hair out of place. I am the epitome of the polar opposite of this, rolling out of bed to get the kids up and dressed for school, shuffling around in hubby's bathrobe and slippers, to hurry them out the door, so that I can have a chance to go back to sleep before I take my son with me to go dumpster diving until it's time to begin picking up my kids from school. This is my day, I try to do house work, yet my mental and physical illnesses always find a way to stop me from completing anything. 

It's seems as though the story of my very being for the past six years has been nothing other than incomplete pages. The only thing that has been both completed and that I can be proud of is the birth of my children. At times I feel as though I have let them down, knowing by the time I had my third child that my health was deteriorating, yet, there was not much that I could do at that time to stop, it let alone just to contain it. I know that in life, we all have trials and tribulations that are placed in our path, some worse than others, while even still another has it worse than that, yet it is difficult to swallow those that have been placed in mine. I do not feel sorry for myself, and do not allow for others to either. Life is what gives us the knowledge and strength to handle any situation. All people have this same strength, they just have to be both willing and ready to dig deep within themselves. You have to be willing to let go of the past, all of those events that happened, those bad memories that you just seem to not be able to let go. I have realized that sometimes this means that we have to seek professional help. Do not be ashamed to seek help. The only way to be the best person you can be is to overcome those anchors that drag you down. The anchors are those events in life that are deep within your memory, yet they have stopped you in your tracks of growth in life. These are the events that have caused scars deep within your emotional psyche, such as abuse that you cannot get rid of, you may or may or may not have flashbacks or even black out from these memories, but as an adult it is time to let go.

As with anything in life, letting go of the past is always easier said than done. For some it requires professional help, and others are able to simply read some books and write in a journal to free their minds of the past. What ever it is that will heal the wounds of the past, it has to be done. For me, it has been medication that has eased the pain somewhat. For a long time, I didn't have the insurance or the money too get the help that I needed, so my issues turned into depression and anger. The anger has been difficult to overcome, even when I believe that I have conquered a new issue, it comes back to haunt me. I am easily agitated, especially when I am off of my medication and this is very evident to everyone around me including my loving husband and my four kiddos. Sometimes it is difficult to curb the anger that has festered even before the receivers of the repercussions were even a twinkle in my eye, but they are the ones standing in front of me screaming mommy fifty times before I answer them, not understanding why mommy yells so much, cries sometimes, and has even said "leave me alone" once or twice. Does this make me a bad parent? Absolutely not, and anyone who says different does not have four kids, a husband, and the issues that others like me have had to overcome. I am not saying that I have had the worst life of anyone, ever because, I am aware someone else will always have a worse situation than myself, or I could even imagine. What I am saying is that those who tend to judge, have not experienced the same things that I have. It is possible to have a similar situation, but when you have limited income and resources, the struggles become more difficult to overcome. If you sleep on a cheap mattress, you won't be doing much sleeping but if you sleep on a pillow top, you will sleep like a baby. This is the same is life, limited income equals poor treatment all the way around. I do not want any sympathy, this is the way I have chosen to live my life. We all make choices in life and once the decision is made, you have to live with it no matter what the repercussions. 

Parenting is just as confusing as life. Contrary to popular belief, it does not get easier the more children you have. Having four kids is very difficult for a mother in similar health as myself, but I do not regret it, nor would I change anything about my family composition. You always have to appreciate your family and try your hardest to show appreciation for them as much as possible. Just thinking about it, I believe that as mothers we are able to show our appreciation for our families by taking care of their needs, while giving encouragement and support. There are no instructions on being a parent or a wife, but as long as we are able to do what needs to be done so far as taking care of our families, we will be able to learn as we grow and progress individually.

When the Holidays Aren't So Happy

With Thanksgiving only three and a half days away, and Christmas one month after you have no choice but to have to prepare, clean, cook, buy and wrap gifts, decorate, then in-decorate, clean, make resolutions, and start over. may you don't have such an issue with the prepping, cleaning, cooking, and changing of the holidays, maybe it is the sense of lose from those family members who have passed away during the past year, or I the past that you think of especially over he holidays. Whatever the reason, many of us do not find the holidays so happy. How do we get through this? How do we find the motivation (and for me the physical strength) to pull through this time and have a time and setting only suitable for Martha Stewart magazine.

If you were to Google how to reduce stress over the holidays, you would surely be overwhelmed by all of the medical, life coach, and lifestyle articles that pop up. After some digging through the medical and other means of relieving the stress, I was able to find over 100 ways to "reduce stress", yet I have my reservations regarding the methods that are suggested by the various sites, yet there are a few that I would consider trying to reduce my own stress. I tend to over stress which makes my lovely husband also stress and begin to show signs of anxiety. This helps no one, it only makes for more tension, which makes me tired. Tired, as in sleepy, as well as mentally, which ends up taking its toll on the true meaning behind all of the preparation and stress, the joy of the holiday.

When we are preparing our homes for the family and friends that are coming to visit (tear up your house, let their kids run wild) there is such a need for perfection, the thought of the impression that we are making is a great stressor. The best remedy for this stress is to not over do it. This is not about who has the nicer house, the better behaved kids, the bigger flat screen. This is about being around family, friends and reflecting on what it is that we really appreciate and give thanks for it. We need to focus on the importance of the family we do have, as there are many family members who have passed away, or have moved to far to even be present. There is such a lonliness that follows the reminiscing of those relatives, yet we have to attempt to focus on what is in front of us. What is in front of us? What are we proud of without being boisterous? Life is strange that we only have this reflection once or twice a year,now hen our families should come together on a more regular basis so that we are closer as a unit.

It is very easy to become overwhelmed while cooking for as many people as you have planned. This may be easier said than done but most times this stress can easily be detered by simply taking a walk. Not a long walk around the track, just a short walk, maybe to the end of the driveway and back. It doesn't really matter how far you walk, walking is healthy and a proven stress reliever. If it happens to be a sunny day, then you are able to de-stress using two methods instead of one, as sunlight is also a proven method of relieving stress. These ways are simple, yet effective in managing stress and do not cost a dime, yet they are there as soon as you begin to feel the anxiety creeping up your spine. While cooking, you may also slice an orange or other citrus fruit and just stop to smell the scent of the citrus. You will notice that some of your stress will begin to deminish as the smell creeps through your nasal passages. These are simple methods to calm the stressors of holidays and having to get so many things done in such a short amount of time.

This year I have had an extra difficult time getting into the "groove" of the cooking and cleaning for thanksgiving. I didn't even have anything planned for the kids to do during this ridiculous ten days that they have off ( does anyone remember when we only had a half day Wednesday and a long weekend?) as I usually do. No craft parties, not even as much as an art project. Now don't get me wrong, I had all of the supplies, but did I feel like getting out of my bed to do anything? ABSOLUTLY NOT! But as mothers and the C.E.O's of our families, we have to be the one to get out of bed, even when we don't want to and give them memorable holidays that they build their own traditions from. I once read somewhere that if there is a chore that you despise doing, (washing dishes for me) it is positive reinforcement to hang a picture of what it is that you are doing it for above where you do that chore. I have actually found this to be helpful to motivate me to get through those grueling hours of chores to be completed. Through all of the physical pain and emotional anchors that tried to hold me back from giving my family a holiday that they are used to, rather than just another day, I had to fight to get out of bed everyday until it was time to just get up and go. I had to stop telling myself how much pain that I was in, I had to just get up and bear with the pain. If it took for me to have to ask my six year old to bring me a chair while I peeled the sweet potatoes, than so be it. I cannot be ashamed of the pain, or the depression that I feel. I am their mother and the root of all their knowledge. The schools will only teach them so much.

Being only half way through cooking my Thanksgiving menu, I should be stressed to the bone. I should be running around like a chicken with no head, in this the eleventh hour. Yet I'm relaxed, almost to the point of going to bed at a normal hour. What is the secret? Stella Artois Hard Cider and I Heart Radio, this is almost completely true. This was the method I used through my cooking marathon today and I didn't yell (too much) at the kids or burn much more than the noodles. Yes I have left a lot to do tomorrow, but honestly I'm going to take advantage of the help that I will have that I have been without for this week, my husband. I am fortunate to have a husband that was my caretaker while I was at my worst with cancer, and who still helps me with everything I need help with, now that I suffer from the worst back on the planet. I know that he is a very rare breed, yet I have to think that if put in similar situations, any of your husbands would do the exact same. Yet when you are not in this situation, many husbands get so used to us doing everything, that they do not expect that you actually need the help. We as wives are supposed to be the ones who take care of everything, needing no help from anyone, but sometimes all it takes is to ask. I have learned this with mine, I've learned that if I do not ask he will watch me struggle until I do actually ask for the help. Sometimes this is all it takes to alleviate the stress is to delegate duties so that all of the stress is not just on your shoulders.

I am beginning to see that our lives are only as difficult as we make them. If we do not verbalize that we  need the help, we will never get it. And then whose fault is it when you drop the turkey? Don't yell at the kids, your husband, or the cats. It's YOURS for not asking for the help. If you are having car trouble wouldn't you ask for a mechanic to help? Or would you try and fix it yourself. I don't know about you but I don't know enough about cars to even attempt it. I know that I may be all over the place, but the point still remains, to alleviate about 60% of your stress on both a regular basis and during the holidays, you have to ask for help. If you are the type of person who does not ask for help, then you may suffer from high stress, and you are doing this to yourself. I can speak from experience that the stress will eat your body and soul from the inside out, if you do not get it under your control. You will not lose control of your life if you ask for help, you only lose the control when you keep silent.

Finding Happiness

Most mothers suffer from some form of depression, and this directly reflects on our husbands and children. Best case scenerio it will only be you who suffers, but the worst case scenerio (and what usually happens) is that it will affect at least one of your family members by your depression becoming their depression. The root of all of the evil and upheaval and our homes and families is moms depression. We have to fix ourselves first. There comes a point in life when you need to be selfish and really only think about yourself until you fix yourself. Unless we are happy, thinking clearly, and being attentive, to both you ourselves and our families. Your level of depression will be the determining factor in how long it will take you to change it. Some of us have become depressed after having our children, others have been dealing with depression longer, and may have gotten worse after having children, there are even some who suffer from seasonal depression and are clueless as to how or why they are only depressed depending on the season. Whatever the cause of your depression, there must be a resolution, for your family to be a reflection of perfection.

Before you can expect to be happy, you have to know why you are depressed. Scientifically, it could be related to your parents, and the chemical make up in your brain. If this is truly the case, that there is truly just a chemical imbalance, then there would seemingly be nothing more to help than to take medication. This could be the truth in more severe cases, yet I always think that even in the worst situations there is always another way. I'm not a direct advocate for medication because most times the side effects are worse than the depression that we suffer from. There are other theories as to the cause of depression such as our environment and the people we surround ourselves with, and this could very well be the case, so we have to change the way that we react to others both internally and externally. This is much easier said than done, and I can be the first to admit that I have felt sad, powerless, and hopeless all at the same time, without a limb to dangle from. I am far from fixed yet I am striving daily to better myself and my family. Hopefully during my process, I will not only be able to help myself, but all of you as well. I can no longer accept the fact that my family's imperfection, lack of motivation and total lack of emotional control is because I have been the one to teach them these behaviors and attitudes. Yet I am going to ask, how and where do we begin this process?

Depression is deep. It lies deeper within us than we would like to admit. Yes you may have just begun to have symptoms after you had your child, but your depression has most likely been laying low for longer than those nine months. There is still confusion as to where depression comes from, it could be the level of nurturing that you received growing up, or it could be the environment that you grew up in, then it could be the chemical make up of your brain itself. If the latter is the case, then there is no other cure than to balance the chemicals with chemicals, but if any if the former are true, then we are the cure to our own depression.i believe that in either situation, it will be difficult to surpass these deep rooted feelings, but we have gone through CHILD LABOR. We as women, mothers and wives not only owe our sanity to our children and spouses, most importantly we owe it to ourselves. We have to change no matter what, no matter how difficult it may be. Life is difficult and without our sanity, we will be no good to anyone, especially, ourselves or our families. There comes a time in motherhood when we have to focus on ourselves in order to repair ourselves. We are the very backbone to our family, and speaking from experience, when mommy isn't healthy, the entire family suffers. You begin to fall behind in normal situations including doctor appointments, and general well being. If mommy is stuck in such a rut that she cannot get out, what makes anyone think that her family will be properly cared for?

The first step in the transformation lies within us and us alone. Like in any process with steps, we have to first be able to admit that we have a problem. If you walk around all day yelling, being mean towards everyone for not appearent reason, get sad and depressed and don't know why, honey, you have a major problem. After you have been able to admit both to yourself and another person that you are depressed, you will begin the process of releasing those old feelings and making space for your new  feelings of motivation, happiness, loving and being loved, most likely for the first time in either a very long time, or maybe in your entire life. These new feelings are often scary and can actually trigger those old feelings of being mad and defensive, as these are our natural defenses. We now are beginning a process of changing those natural defenses to make them as unnatural as possible. As mothers, we hold our family's very well being in our hands, and with too many false moves, it is very simple to have this slip away. Once you are able to look yourself in the mirror daily and tell yourself that you are not your emotions, and that you are better than your emotions, you have conquered the first step and are ready to move on to the next step of the process.

It is never good to get a hobby before you conquer your emotions. If you do attempt to occupy your time and mind before you handle these negative emotions, they will never be handled, they will just be pushed down, allowed to further fester, and eventually will get worse. The emotions must be conquered before you do anything as a benefit or fun for yourself. You have to be strict on yourself and keep to the mentality that YOU HAVE TO CHANGE THE WAY YOU FEEL AND REACT to emotional and non emotional life situations. It is simple to believe that you are helping yourself by occupying your mind with something but, another experience that I have lived for all of us, this will never work. It doesn't matter if your hobby benefits your family, if it is occupying your mind in such a way that it takes even more away from your kids and husband, it is just as detrimental as what drove you to get the hobby to begin with.

Coupons: Ready to Rock and Roll

Welcome back to all of my fellow Uncommon Moms. By now we have touched on how to begin the journey of saving our families hundreds of dollars by two separate means, Dumpster Diving and Couponing. Today we are going to continue with the journey of learning the basics of how to coupon the right way. In this part of our journey, we are going to learn how to maximize our saving at the stores either we already shop in or would like to shop in. It is best to make a price guide based on what you buy for the various stores you shop at, both regular and sale prices. The southernsavers.com  website has a good printout for the various prices and at what prices to stock up on the various items. This tends to make the list making a little smoother, as we know if the current price is a stock up price, or just a buy what you need price.

As any novice couponer can tell you, you can never be brand loyal when you use coupons. The reason that this holds true is strictly because no one brand ALWAYS has the best deal or coupon. You have to know how to be flexible, while not being too much of a push over. I say pushover not to be rude, the majority of cashiers in the stores are not very educated in coupons, unless you are fortunate enough to get one that actually uses coupons themselves. They will attempt to tell you anything about what you can use and what you cannot use so just be aware and well versed in both the policies and terminology of coupons. This is a world of its own with its eon language that you have to be fluent in or you will never save any money. Back on topic, you will see perfect examples weekly showing there cannot be brand loyalty. One week Tide may have a great coupon, with a great match up at Target, and the next week it could be All that has the better deal at CVS, so you have to show flex in your planning and consumption of these products. If a member of your family has an allergy or sensitive skin, you are saving enough to buy them a smaller, personal use size of the products that they use. I have been noticing lately that there are more coupons for organically made products, as well as special diet items so just be on the look out (BOLO) for those. I have learned that the majority of times we do always get the best deals on a lot of the same items, but I believe that the deeper you hunt, the more you find.

Next we talk about some of the stores, and their multiple ways to save money. Target is the first store that we will talk about as they offer weekly gift card match ups, and offer multiple savings on one item. Target as a brand offers two separate ways to save money on one item, in addition to our coupons from the inserts. They offer store/mobile coupons, and Cartwheel (Target store app for percentage off various items) discounts that can be used throughout the store. I have noticed that many times the deals offered on your individual Cartwheel app are tailored based on what you buy and even where you may be in the store. Here is an example of an item bought at Target; Febreeze@ $2.99-$.50(tq)-5%(Cartwheel)-$1.00(mq)=$1.34. Do you see how that worked out? I was able to get three discounts for one item, and sometimes you will be lucky enough to get a gift card out of the deal as well. This is why I love Target. A good resource for shopping at Target is the website that is dedicated to finding the deals there, totallytarget.com which has match ups that are updated regularly for all of the decals at Target, from advertised to unadvertised. I definetly have this site bookmarked on my iPad. Other stores offer double savings such as match ups of store coupons, percentage off discounts, and dollars off your entire order coupons (most times as a Catalina) and manufacter coupons. The point of it all is to maximize the savings, so of that means to bring your phone to use the store coupon with the newspaper coupons that you have clipped, then so be it. Couponing is a process that takes time, organization (to a point), and patience from both you and your family. Sometimes you may get a cashier who doesn't like the process, so they may make your trip more difficult but I have to suggest that no matter what, keep calm and coupon on! 

When you are searching for the match ups of manufacter coupons and store coupons, you have to be mindful that some stores will offer both store coupons and manufacter e-coupons, which cannot be stacked, or used with, your paper manufacter coupons. On the other hand, many stores will tailor the mobile deals offered to each shopper based specifically on what you have bought in the past. To some this is pretty creepy, but it does make sense that the stores would market this way, it ensures that we will keep spending our money on the items with the best deals. This will probably be the most daunting part of couponing, but thanks to technology, there are apps and websites that will basically do this for you. As I have said many times before, make sure you sign up for as many text and email alerts for the various stores, while it may be a little annoying at times, it proves to pay off when matching up sales. I have actually set up a separate email address strictly for my coupon alerts, mystery shops, and surveys. If you are like me and are too disabled to work, but not enough disabled to be disabled them you are always looking for ways to not only stretch all of your dollars, but also to add some dollars to the pot. I bet that if we all took at least half of what we save with coupons, diving, etc. and put it on a jar, safe, or some other storage option outside of the traditional bank, in just one month you will have no less then $100, as long as you are diligent with yourself and your family members not to spend any money if it is not using coupons. This will be more difficult for some members than others, but if it is going to work, then it has to be the entire family unit.

Speaking of match ups, let's touch on Ad Match/Price Matching, as there are many stores who are now matching the prices of their competitors, upon request. Each store that has a price match policy, has varying yet many times very similar guidelines as to what and whose prices they will match. Stores like Target limit whose prices they will match, both online and. brick and mortar. Walmart on the he other hand, will match basically any brick and mortar, except another Walmart. That's right, different Walmarts will have different prices for the same item, yet they will not match EACHOTHER. Walmart also will not match their online prices, but as of November 13, they are now matching amazon.com prices. Being that this is such a new amendment to their policy, you are going to want to have a copy of this with you. There is a direct link to the policy below. With this one you are better off buying it where you see it cheaper, rather than attempting to match it. Family Dollar recently began an Ad Match policy, which from what I can tell you simply need the ad for the identical item. There are only about 8-10 stores in total who will price match their competitors, yet they all have pretty similar guidelines. 

               1. Target

               2. Lowe's

               3. JC Penney's

               4. Walmart

               5. Sears

               6. Home Depot

               7. Best Buy

               8. Kohl's

               9. Family Dollar

You can find direct links to the Price Match Policy's at the link below.

http://www.dailyfinance.com/photos/stores-that-price-match/#!fullscreen&slide=976550

It is important to have your trips as planned and organized as possible, to ensure that you are not over spending. I have noticed that taking my entire family with me to the grocery store, with the illusions that they will actually help me with the heavy lifting seems dillusional, as they really just like to throw off my budget. I do not suggest that you take your kids and spouse with you, no matter how bad they want to go, you just tell them to lt you know what they would like and be ready for some lifting when you get home. You will soon see that while your main objective is couponing, you will actually benefit from the alone time as well.

By now we have all of our supplies, have taken inventory of our kitchens, and have made a well planned list with our corresponding coupons. You are just about ready. The last tidbit of information that you have to carry with you is the math. Adding and subtracting to find any overages in your coupons that will help bring down the cost of eh other items in your basket. A professional couponer I know has always said that the key to her ability is knowing how to add and subtract. I know this seems simple, but some people still have issues with the way the stores do math and the way we are taught in school to do math. I believe I may have touched on this before, but I will explain it so we can all be on the same page. When you bring your items to the register, it adds the cost of all of the times to get the subtotal. Your price matching is done during that time, so when adding, you automatically change that price. Your coupons are subtracted from the subtotal, so you must also do your math this same way. I have seen it done "normal" math, where we take the amount of the coupon of the price of the item, but honestly, it did not have the same total and it seemed to be unnecessary. It is best to figure your math the exact way the cash register would because that is actually the final say.

Now you are ready for your first trip. I suggest that you take it slow until you see which system s going to be best for you. This way you can ensure that if your math is off, your still not out of pocket much. I also suggest shopping at a store that you are familiar with, where you regularly shop as you are more accustomed to the lay out of the store as well as the normal prices for that store. Planning makes a world of difference, this is a lesson that I have had to learn the hard way and I am hoping that you will just take my word for it. I am the very definition of unorganized, but my coupons I attempt to be more organized with those, yet no one is perfect. You need to make sure that you have the coupons that you need ( I usually bring all of mine in a tote bag I found for $1.49 at my favorite thrift store) as well as your list which should have included your math and what you will pay out of pocket. If you are not that great in math, I suggest you bring a calculator or make the one on your phone your best friend.also, if you plan on going to one of the stores who price match, make sure you have your ads with you, and for Walmart and Amazon, I suggest to have the exact page bookmarked on your phone or maybe even to print out the item in your shopping cart as proof of the price match. This policy is still very new at Walmart so don't be surprised if the cashier looks at you with a blank stare, just ask for the manager as politely as possible.

I wish you luck on your first, second, and all of your shopping trips when you are couponing, price matching, or any other legal method of saving your family money. I know that what you have learned in both this and my previous post will give you the tools you need to begin this awesome journey of saving literally hundreds of dollars for our families every month. I invite all of my readers to post your own success stories, questions, photos, and anything else coupon related, as we are all here to learn new things and help each other. HAPPY COUPONING!!

Coupons:Let's Get Started!

With the ever volatile economy that we face daily, more and more people are looking for ways to save money anyway they can. Coupons have become th new currency for many, yet how do they save so much with these slips of newspaper that only show pennies on the dollar saved? How do these shows like "Extreme Couponing" exist, showing people paying less then $10 for hundreds of dollars worth of groceries? I can assure you that many of the scenerios portrayed on shows such as "Extreme" are actually staged, while also abusing the many "glitches" held within those tiny barcordes. I have tried every way under the sun to save money, and I can tell you from experience that most times, these "glitches"are known and capitalized upon. I know, your not reading this post to hear me complain about the glitches, you want to know how to do it the RIGHT way. Well, we will start from the basics and see where it goes!

First things first, you have to decide how you are going to organize your coupons. Depending on your volume, you can use three main ideas for storing and using your coupons which include the small organizer, bought from any dollar store, the shoe box and divider method, and my favorite, the binder method. You have to choose a method that is practical for you and your lifestyle, as well as how many coupons you expect to hold and how functional it is for you while being utilized. If you are a single person, or it's only you and your spouse, for practicality sake, you should use either the small organizer or the shoe box methods. The difference between the two is simply to clip or not to clip the coupons. If you are shopping for a family of six, like myself, then it is most practical to use either the shoe box (again) or the binder method. Yet again, the decision lies between clipping or not clipping your coupons. Just keep in mind that if you do clip coupons, you will need to invest more time. You should also carry with you a pair of scissors, a stapler, paper clips, a pen, and a note pad. This is also where you should carry your stores loyalty cards in a ziploc sandwich bag if you carry the actual card rather than having it mobile.These materials will help when organizing your inserts, as well as when in the store to keep the coupons you are using together, lists and math up to par, and always to have everything within arms reach.

After you have figured out how you are going to organize your coupons, next you will have to decide where you will get your inserts from. Most people will just go out and buy the Sunday paper for the coupons, but I do not see the sense in paying a dollar for a minimum of two inserts. I choose to order my inserts through a service, which I have found to be more cost effective, as I am able to get 15 dollars worth of inserts for less then 10 dollars. I did not begin couponing with this service, I began by buying the newspapers every week, yet I found it to be exhausting and really seemed to defeat the purpose of trying to save money. Then I would go out Dumpster Diving for the inserts, which proved to be just as inefficient, as I was driving from recycle bin to recycle bin hoping to find recent inserts. Then I began looking for a way to get the inserts without having to drive from store to store or bin to bin, and the search for a reliable supplier began. You have to be careful who you do business with, even in the coupon game, there are still people out there that will take your money and give you nothing in return. After going through two or three different suppliers, I have finally found the supplier for me. Like everything in life, coupon supply is trial and error. And as for how many inserts to buy, well, that is probably simpler than finding a supplier. When calculating how many inserts, rule of thumb is to buy two inserts per person in your household, yet I tend to grab between three and four because our family are peppers, so we have to have more per person. This tends to also cause an issue because of the space in my house for available storage, but that is both a separate issue and the very definition of the Uncommon Mom.

After you have sorted, organized, and clipped your coupons, now it is time to gather the coupon policies for the stores you shop in, print them, and carry them with you. You have to be more familiar with these policies then the employees are, and most times this will not take much more than knowing them, as most employees are not familiar with the policies or terminology of the coupons the ways that a couponer knows them. Some stores such as Kroger and Albertsons have store maps in the store, it's best to take one and keep this in your binder as well so that you can familiarize yourself with the set up with the store, this will shorten your trips knowing the layout. You should also make a schedule for yourself, if you don't already have one. When you make your schedule, you will need to figure out the sale cycles, which days the stores you shop at switch their sales. It is best to plan your shopping days as close to the beginning of the sale week as possible, so that you can ensure that you will find the items in stock. Never forget, you are not the only shopper using coupons and there are many people who shop to clear the shelves, so shop early. It is also good practice to take an inventory before you begin couponing, that way you know exactly what is in your house. This way is the simplest way of this process, as you can add in items once you begin to build your stockpile and will always know what is on hand. Keep a copy of this with you, as an Uncommon Mom I can always use a reminder of what I have and how many. 

How do I learn when the sale cycles are? Which store has the best deal with my coupons? I have more apps than I actually use, but as I say in everything, to have more is better than to have less and many of those apps are for coupons, saving money, free things, and reading the coupon barcodes. I think one of my favorite sites that I use regularly is couponmom.com, I like the app QSeer for reading the barcodes on the coupons telling me which coupons actually do not expire, or when I do not actually have to buy a product to get one free. This app may cause some confusion, so I would say use at your own discretion. A good site which also has an app for free things is of course ILFT.com, which of course stands for I love free things. I also suggest following such sites as totallytarget.com, krogerkrazy.com, iheartthemart.com, and using couponmom.com for your match-ups, as this site has a great feature to build the list from the best sales organized by either state or store. These sites are great to check daily, but I will warn you that if you subscribe to the text message alerts from some of these sites, your phone will be going off all day long. If you shop at multiple stores, you may find that these types of alerts are helpful when trying to keep all of the sales in order, yet I personally rather search the various sites on my own, then I compare my list of items to the sale list from the couponmom.com site. I have to admit, since I began Dumpster Diving like it is my job, my coupons and my stockpile have fallen desperate victims for attention, yet I hope that writing this blog not only gets you in the he groove of saving money, but will also put me back on track.

At this point, we should all have our binders or boxes set up with dividers, inserts, coupon policies, and store maps (where available) along with our supply pouch ready to go. You may think that you are ready to hit the stores, right? WRONG. You are only just beginning, yet this is the best place to start. Your next step is going to be learning how to maximize the savings at various stores, which is the next segment of our journey. I hope you tune in to see how I can help you have at least a 50% savings at your favorite store....

Mom's Sadness

I'll bet it is fairly safe to assume that when you found this blog on whatever search engine you used, you did not imagine that it would be this way. Maybe you imagined a site such as couponmom.com, or some other comparable site, which did nothing more than search for deals, matching coupons, and compiling lists. Or maybe you imagined a blog such as thegkamoroushousewife.com, claiming to teach you how to clean house, bake cookies, make hair bows, and be sexually attentive to your husband all while never smudging your bright red lipstick. I am on no way bashing these sites for what they do, or claim to teach us mothers, but I will say that sometimes, as a mother, this is just not what we are looking for in a blog. For a mother who suffers from any form of mental illness, it is very difficult to adhere to the schedules and constraints of the "perfect housewife" yet no one ever wants to admit that she is having a difficult time managing her family,

More mothers than can to admit are depressed in some form. Most times it is mislabeled as being moody, or in some cases, it is over diagnosed as Post Partum depression. Yet with so many varying forms of depression, without the proper care, it will never be properly diagnosed or managed. Depression is not a case of just being moody, overly emotional, or plain old mad. Depression is deeper than any of these feelings. It is a chemical imbalance in the brain, caused by various factors including saratonin and oxytocin. These two chemicals which are produced in the brain are believed to not only have an impact on maternal depression, but also how this ripples onto the children. I am no scientist, and will not begin to assume that I know how the chemical makeup of our brains is calculated and maintained, but what I do know is that it is very true that the more depressed the mother, it definetly affects the children, and can cause depression, anxiety, and other mental disorders in them that will be difficult to reverse without the mother being treated first.

I have written about maternal depression on more than one occasion, and will most likely continue to write about maternal depression as this issue hits very close to home with me. I am a prime example of the Depression Ripple Affect, as I like to call it, one mother passing on her depression to her daughter and so on. I come from a long line of depressed women, beginning with my grandmother, and possibly my great grandmother, yet she was never the type to admit if she were depressed or not, she just flushed it away with the trash. My grandmother, on the other hand, was not as good at hiding as her mother. Her depression got the best if her from the time of her first born, throughout her marriage, and having three other daughters preceding the first. This depression rippled down to those children who were mentally weaker then the others, it seemed to affect the youngest daughter them most, yet the third daughter was affected, however minor. This ripple was not something that was hidden very well, if at all. I'm not sure if any of the siblings have ever actually put this together as I am right not. My grandmother was, and still is a very depressed woman. As we speak, she sits in her assisted living home that she has lived in as long as I can remember, while her two living children want nothing to do with her. The eldest two siblings are the only two living children she has, yet it seems as though they have turned the tables in their own mother and sent her off, just the way she did when they were small children. These two children seem to display more anger and hate than depression, yet it may even be safe to assume that all four of the children were affected by their mothers depression in a chemical level, and not only an environmental level.

My mother suffered from sever depression before she took her own life at the age of 35, and this did affect me and my siblings, however short our time was exposed to her. We were not raised by he, and only lived with her for a total of three years of my lifetime. No matter the amount of time that I was exposed to my mother, I too now suffer from various different forms of depression, and I fear that at least one of my four children will also suffer from some form of depression. The one thing that has become very appearent is that it has now become my responsibility to end this cycle in my family. I have it stop this vicious cycle of anxiety, depression, and anger that has plagued my family for generations. It is my responsibility to cure my own depression so that I am not teaching my children from poor examples. Our children only imitate what they see in their parents and other adults that are involved in their lives. 

We as mothers are responsible for everything that happens in and around our homes and families, yet if we suffer from depression, anxiety, anger disorder, or any other mental illness, everything in our homes will also suffer. Once I became a mother, two things happened, the first and most important being that I am now responsible for the well being of someone else. The second thing that changed is that now what I do and how I react will affect this child forever. It was my fault that I didn't change too much from before I had children until now, and I should have gotten help for my own depression, but I am not a bad mother, neither is any other mother who is in my similar position. We are not at fault for being depressed, we are not at fault for not being able to afford proper care,yet we are at fault for taking out our depression, anxiety, and anger on our husbands and children. This should be our motivation for change. Despite beliefs, we are able to help ourselves if we are able to motivate ourselves. We need to be open with our husbands and ask them for the support needed so that we can beat this on our own. We are able to beat this and end the vicious cycle if we are motivated and consistent with our regimine.

Who is the Uncommon Mom?

Who is the Uncommon Mom? What does the Uncommon Mom do to separate her from the common moms, who bake cookies daily while running their kids all over the place, still having time to rub her husbands feet when he comes home from a long day of work. There is nothing wrong with being common, it just happens to drive me up my fingerprint ridden walls. Now we know what we are not. How about finding out who we are? This is a journey we can embark on together, as all humans have room to learn and grow. It has been proven by countless studies that when a mother is depressed, suffers from anxiety, or any other mood disorder, it WILL directly affect her children. Who wants their child to suffer from any of these disorders? The only way that we can save our children from this outcome, is by taking care of our own mental health. We as mothers, wives, and women have to ensure that we are able to carry the many things we are expected to carry, both mentally and physically.
Do you have time to have a hobby? If so, how often do you partake in your hobby? Do you borrow or steal your time that you evoke to your hobby? The common house mom may or may not have time for a hobby or time just for MOM with all of the baking, and driving, and don't forget the rubbing. Whatever it is that you enjoy doing, embrace it and do it only the best way you know how.  Sometimes you have to steal your alone time, leaving the house to your hubby. In my household, as long as dinner is ready and there isn't a pigsty, I pretty much have all of the time I need for my hobby. I think there is also an ulterior  motive behind my hubby being so cool about my stealing time for my hobby. My hobby just happens to feed my family while saving our family hundreds of dollars a month (you can read about it here on my blog). Not everyone's hobby has this same benefit as mine, yet sometimes you have to be willing to steal the time for yourself, to ensure your own sanity, for the betterment of your family. I am a prime example of what can happen to a person when they are a stay at home mom and have no hobby or outlet. What happens to a person like this? YOU GO CRAZY. There are no two ways about it. When you have no way out of your own space, the walls begin to take on an entirely new shape.
I am not going to dwell here about our hobbies and what we should do so that we can enjoy them. What I will do is encourage you, the Uncommon Housewife to embrace whatever it is that you enjoy doing, and DO IT. Find time for yourself, it can be early in the morning after the kids go to school, or even at night after everyone is fed and out of the way. YOU CANNOT BE MISERABLE WITH A LIFE YOU CHOOSE. You have made the choice, now figure out a way to enjoy it the best way you can. When you are miserable in the life you live, you will fall into a hole deeper than that of the rabbit in Alice in Wonderland. I have fallen into this hole mor times than I am proud to admit. One of those times was right after I had my hysterectomy, which was supposed to have given me a second chance at life, removing two different, yet relate types of cancer from my body. Yet, I felt different about life. I didn't feel as healthy as I should have felt. There were other health problems that would now arise that would take a toll on my body that is still felt today. I could not get out of bed, my home spiraled out of control with disorganization and unruly children. It seemed as though my life was taking advantage of the situation.
I am far from a perfect mother or wife. I lack in so many areas yet to list them would only make me feel worse about it all. I do have laundry stacked in my living room, waiting patiently to be folded and put away. I have dust on my ceiling fans, and bookshelves. I am not perfect, yet I do some day strive to be as close as possible. I have tried to follow the lead of such perfect housewives as Martha Stewart, and the Flylady, yet I always find a way to fall out of their programs, finding them impossible for any regular, uncommon housewife to follow. I know that I am wrong in this assumption, as if I were correct, these women and others like them, would not have the notoriety that they do. How did they get to be so perfect? Were their mothers these types of women, teaching them nothing other than to be organized and crafty, to put their husbands, and families needs before their own, and never allow the laundry to come out of the dryer without being immediately folded and put away. Well, I didn't have this growing up, and I try not to blame the mother and wife I am today, on the way that I was raised a a child. 
My mother left when I was a toddler, and I was raised by a single father who didn't know how to teach femininity. I can sit here all day long about how I was lacking something growing up and this is why I can't get my household under a regular schedule, or why I am lost as to how to discipline my  children and help my oldest with her anxiety. I cannot, as an adult still use this as a crutch. I have to find a regimine that is easy for me to follow, so that my family can live more comfortably than I did. Writing helps me to get things out in the open, a therapy of sorts, hopefully, my writing can help someone else who may have grown up in a similar situation as I have, or may have had a mother who was in and out. Whatever your situation, however you have gotten to this point we are here for each other and will fix each other. I invite you to comment below on what you do to help yourself and your family to live better, or whatever questions you have I will answer the best way I can.