No Instructions for Moms

As a mother of four children, I have my fair share of questions that go unanswered, frustrations that go unsettled, and burdens left unmet. Having one child with special needs, another with emotional disorders, a rare hearing disorder, anxiety and anger issues that are through the roof, it has been emotionally tasking, not only on me as a mother, but also on my other two, who happen to be my middle children, influencing their behaviors and reactions. This coupled with my own physical and mental disabilities have made the very idea of positive parenting, let alone a healthy marriage seem nothing short of unattainable. Many days the very idea of having to fold the five oversized and over stuffed laundry baskets full of clothes (that will sit for another three days before being put away), only to not have made a dent in the mountain that is our dirty laundry, while changing the dirty diaper of my youngest child, who is an aspiring gymnast at the age of 25 months, makes me light headed and dizzy,    and that is all before lunch.

Growing up, I was a product of the 1980's, which sadly meant that I was also a child of divorce. My situation was a little different though, as I was being raised by my father. My mother suffered from bipolar disorder, which caused her to have a mental breakdown and leave when I was only about the age of my youngest child. I never had any sort of female role model to teach me the ways to grow into a woman, let alone to be a good mother, so as a mother of three girls, I now have many questions that go unanswered. My husband likes to make a joke of it, telling me to "google it", and to appease him, and maybe myself as well, I do so and find little to nothing more than more confusion than I began with. So I am still left with the same, if not more questions than I began with, and still no where to go for the answers. I am lost in raising myself, let alone these four children who are not able to take care of themselves, justifiably, so where do I look for the answers? Does anyone have the answers? I mean all of the answers in one place that are feasible for me.  I'm not some soccer mom who wakes up in the morning with lipstick on, makes full breakfast at 6am while packing lunches for the family, making homemade everything, and never a hair out of place. I am the epitome of the polar opposite of this, rolling out of bed to get the kids up and dressed for school, shuffling around in hubby's bathrobe and slippers, to hurry them out the door, so that I can have a chance to go back to sleep before I take my son with me to go dumpster diving until it's time to begin picking up my kids from school. This is my day, I try to do house work, yet my mental and physical illnesses always find a way to stop me from completing anything. 

It's seems as though the story of my very being for the past six years has been nothing other than incomplete pages. The only thing that has been both completed and that I can be proud of is the birth of my children. At times I feel as though I have let them down, knowing by the time I had my third child that my health was deteriorating, yet, there was not much that I could do at that time to stop, it let alone just to contain it. I know that in life, we all have trials and tribulations that are placed in our path, some worse than others, while even still another has it worse than that, yet it is difficult to swallow those that have been placed in mine. I do not feel sorry for myself, and do not allow for others to either. Life is what gives us the knowledge and strength to handle any situation. All people have this same strength, they just have to be both willing and ready to dig deep within themselves. You have to be willing to let go of the past, all of those events that happened, those bad memories that you just seem to not be able to let go. I have realized that sometimes this means that we have to seek professional help. Do not be ashamed to seek help. The only way to be the best person you can be is to overcome those anchors that drag you down. The anchors are those events in life that are deep within your memory, yet they have stopped you in your tracks of growth in life. These are the events that have caused scars deep within your emotional psyche, such as abuse that you cannot get rid of, you may or may or may not have flashbacks or even black out from these memories, but as an adult it is time to let go.

As with anything in life, letting go of the past is always easier said than done. For some it requires professional help, and others are able to simply read some books and write in a journal to free their minds of the past. What ever it is that will heal the wounds of the past, it has to be done. For me, it has been medication that has eased the pain somewhat. For a long time, I didn't have the insurance or the money too get the help that I needed, so my issues turned into depression and anger. The anger has been difficult to overcome, even when I believe that I have conquered a new issue, it comes back to haunt me. I am easily agitated, especially when I am off of my medication and this is very evident to everyone around me including my loving husband and my four kiddos. Sometimes it is difficult to curb the anger that has festered even before the receivers of the repercussions were even a twinkle in my eye, but they are the ones standing in front of me screaming mommy fifty times before I answer them, not understanding why mommy yells so much, cries sometimes, and has even said "leave me alone" once or twice. Does this make me a bad parent? Absolutely not, and anyone who says different does not have four kids, a husband, and the issues that others like me have had to overcome. I am not saying that I have had the worst life of anyone, ever because, I am aware someone else will always have a worse situation than myself, or I could even imagine. What I am saying is that those who tend to judge, have not experienced the same things that I have. It is possible to have a similar situation, but when you have limited income and resources, the struggles become more difficult to overcome. If you sleep on a cheap mattress, you won't be doing much sleeping but if you sleep on a pillow top, you will sleep like a baby. This is the same is life, limited income equals poor treatment all the way around. I do not want any sympathy, this is the way I have chosen to live my life. We all make choices in life and once the decision is made, you have to live with it no matter what the repercussions. 

Parenting is just as confusing as life. Contrary to popular belief, it does not get easier the more children you have. Having four kids is very difficult for a mother in similar health as myself, but I do not regret it, nor would I change anything about my family composition. You always have to appreciate your family and try your hardest to show appreciation for them as much as possible. Just thinking about it, I believe that as mothers we are able to show our appreciation for our families by taking care of their needs, while giving encouragement and support. There are no instructions on being a parent or a wife, but as long as we are able to do what needs to be done so far as taking care of our families, we will be able to learn as we grow and progress individually.