Who Am I?

 

The Story of the Uncommon Mom

You have most likely made yourself familiar with who I am through my blog posts, but I would like to fully and formally introduce myself. I am Karma Ralliford, born 31 years ago to parents who were anything but common, even in the early eighties. My father was a musician and my mother was something like his groupy. This was not the case for long. Two years after I was born, the band otherwise know as my family, was as broken as the Beatles after Yoko Ono. I was a product of divorce, and raised by my single parent father. This was very uncommon during this time, yet today it seems as common as single mothers. My father did what he was able to do in raising his children, being disabled and not having a clue as to how to raise any child let alone daughters. As all single parent homes, we made it work. I did not know much of my mother growing up, she took on the role of the absentee parent, showing her face when it was time for school to begin, and never on holidays. My upbringing was like that of a young boy being raised by a single father, I was always around my dad, helping him in the garage with his cars more than I played with Barbie dolls. I left that to my younger sister.

Almost immediately before puberty began, my mother came, and for all intents and purposes, legally kidnapped me and my siblings. Very soon after, she placed me and my brother in the custody of the state, in essence giving up on us completely. My younger sister stayed with my mother up until the time of her suicide, at which time she too was placed in the custody of the state. My siblings were more fortunate than myself, only being placed once or twice in much more wealthy situations than mine. I was moved around like cattle, from institution to institution, no longer knowing the meaning of family. Once I was old enough to get myself out of this situation, I did now living on the streets, fending for myself, taking care of the needs that most teenagers rely on their parents for. I was fifteen at the time. From that point on, I had to do whatever it took to ensure my survival.mi had no one looking out for me, no one to turn to for help, I was on my own in this large and unforgiving world. This was my life until I got pregnant with my first child at the age of  21. 

When I got pregnant with my first child, her father and I deecided it was time for a change. It was time to leave the place where we both had negative histories and begin somewhere else brand new, somewhere no one knew either of us or where we came from. That is what we did. We moved almost 2000 miles from the place we both knew as home, to a place that we knew no one, or anything nor did we have a place to call our own. When we got here, it was more than stressful, but we made it work. We found a small one bedroom apartment, that I swear used to be an old hotel that was converted. We had no furniture, not even a bed or a crib, but we made it work. My husband and I slept on the floor of our apartment for the first few weeks until he found a job and got his first check, and our daughter slept in a make shift crib made out of a Rubbermaid tote and blankets. Yes we struggled, but honestly we appreciate what we do have today just that much more because of it. Alike our living arraignments and our pasts, our relationship was not, nor ever has it been perfect. My husband and I have gone through many trials and tribulations, from financial trials to yelling matches over the stupidest of things. One thing I am very grateful for however is the fact that we have never had to deal with infidelity. No matter how bad the arguments, and they have gotten pretty bad at times, I have never had to worry about another woman coming to me saying that she even knows my husband. 

My life has been about as uncommon as they come. I'm not saying that there are not others out there who have a more challenging story than mine, but from what I know mine is up there in the top 25 for what I know. I lived through challenges that have taken the lives of others, have seen things that would have broken many, and I have experienced things that would make some shutter. I lost my first son when I was 26 with no logical explanation as to why or how. When I was 20-something I was diagnosed with Cervical Cancer which spread to my Ovaries and Uterus, losing any and all forms of medical coverage, receiving no treatment for over four years. My youngest child was diagnosed with Down Syndrome post-partum, the day before his first Thanksgiving, and my oldest daughter suffers  from a very rare ear deformity that causes her to hear everything in echoes. This is the foundation of the Uncommon Mom. The Uncommon Mom in me allows me to be flexible to meet the needs of my family, no matter how strange or unnecessary they may be. My family is the epitome of the Uncommon family, as we all have some sort of special need. Personally I believe that most families have some sort of special need, and when they don't, they may need one.

I tell you my story so that we may be properly introduced. When I write, I write for the top of my head, so whatever may be going on that day or week in my home, most likely will end up somewhere on my blog. I write this way so that other moms, dads, parents of any sort may know that it is ok to want to just scream sometimes. It is perfectly fine to not have dinner on the table at 6pm on the dot, to be late picking the kids up (as long as your not an hour late). Just because you are a parent does not mean that your identity is lost to being a taxi cab for your children, an errand girl for your husband, or a secretary for some Fortune 500. We are mothers, but we are also women who still have needs and wants that we must meet so that we do not lose ourselves. When you lose yourself, you have lost it all.

Resolve for a Better Year

Christmas is over, along with all of the hustle, bustle, and drama of another year passed. The New Year is finally here, and with it brings an entirely new challenge, New Year's Resolutions. As women, we may have one set of resolutions for ourselves, to make you a better person which will most likely include more exercise, more patience, and more organization skills. We will also have another set for ourselves as wives, and yet another for ourselves as mothers. The first feeling that embraces me as I make my own list of resolutions is panic and then confusion. Why do we as humans wait until every January 1st to want to change the things we don't like about ourselves? I have to believe that this is part of the reason for the panic and anxiety that comes with them. I also believe that sometimes people may put off any sort of self improvement until the New Year, when it is something that could be changed right then and there. Maybe our culture has defined us in such a way that we feel as though the only time we can change is with the New Year. Whatever the reason that we as a society wait to change for the New Year, now is the time for a societal change, so let's embrace it and actually change for the better. 

From what I know, people generally keep their resolutions to themselves and as my husband likes to reason, it is so the people around you are not pressuring you to keep the resolution. For example, a resolution to quit smoking cigarettes cold turkey would be difficult for a daily smoker. If the person were to make it known that he or she quit smoking, if they happen to slip up others would then hold that against them. I have to disagree with him and others who think this way. I believe that others could actually help with the resolution by keeping your mind off of cigarettes by keeping you busy other ways. I guess when it comes to New Years Resolutions, it truly is to each his own. The only way that anyone will be able to actually abide by the resolutions is your own way. If that means that you go and shout for the roof tops the things you want to change most, then by all means, take out a billboard, but if you need to fix yourself by yourself, then you should by all means to into your cave so that there can be improvement.

Are resolutions really as simple as an overnight change? When you are trying to change your core being, may it be attitude, issues that you have held on to since childhood, or even curbing your anger, do you expect this to change drastically between the time you go to bed on the 31st and when you wake up on the 1st? Being the realist that I am, I have to say that the change is not that simple, especially if these are behaviors that you have lived with all of your life. I think the first step to making any resolution work is that it will take consistency and hard work. What if one of your resolutions is to be more consistent? Well then I guess you are going to have your work cut out for you, as you are working on your resolution from day one. In order to be successful in any goal, you have to be consistent in the change that you are making. I'm going to be honest as it comes, I have a huge problem being consistent in life, so I am one of those people who are going to be working from day one. It is definetly going to be hard work, with many hurdles to bear, but as women and mothers we are accustomed to the hurdles of life. I know that I am going to have to find ways to be more patient, which will help me develop my ability to be consistent, as I have to be patient to be able to complete tasks which require consistency.

I hope I'm not going I'm circles, I'm honestly planning my resolutions as I write. There are few things as a mother I would like to change, but they stem from patience and consistency. Once these core issues are conquered then the doors for personal perfection are wide open. Aside from my own personal growth this year, what will be my 32nd year on this Earth, I am going to be working on the growth of my family and my home. I have allowed my home to become an overloaded storage unit, from all of the treasures that I have been fortunate enough to accumulate over the past year since I have began dumpster diving on a daily basis. Literally from my front porch to my shed in the furthest corner of my backyard there are stacks, piles, and rows of boxes and items that I have rescued from the landfill. This includes the inside of my house. The living room, my sons room, and my kitchen are really the only rooms in my house are the only places with real elbow room. 

For about a week now I have been searching Pintrest, my favorite go to for any ideas, suggestions, or just visual enlightenment for ways to get better organized. I have seen so many awesome ideas on how to organize every room in the house, but I have such a difficult time throwing thins away, how am I going to minimalist the things that need to go? My husband a.k.a. My swift kick in the butt when I need it. I actually said something this evening and it made me think for a split second that I could be on my way to being a hoarder. I quickly fought off that notion, because I do not think that a person with four kids can hoard food and other household items, just be more prepared for anything that could happen. I can only give away so much so I have to figure a way that I am able to reach more people in need. I cannot help anyone if I am unorganized, so first things first. The resolutions have to be conquered.

No change comes overnight, especially in adults. We have lived our entire lives in a way that we have become not only accustomed to but also have grown into a certain ritual, even in the way we react to various situations that arise spontaneously. It may not even be possible to change mannerisms in a years time, but in my book, as long as the work to change is consistent and genuine,there is never a time frame to completion. Change is constant in the way of daily growth and education therefore it should not easily be given up on. The new year brings much more stress than providing a wealthy Christmas for the kiddos, but you are in control of your own destiny, you are the captain of your own ship. I have searched and searched for ways to take control of not only my destiny but my household and my family so without further excuses, the buck stops here. I WILL be in control, organized, positive, and calm when working on myself and know that I am always going to be a work in progress.

With the new year brings new ideals, mannerisms, really a complete overhaul,of the person that I have grown to be in my 32 years on this Earth. I have decided that the first step in this overhaul is my home. I am a firm believer in the ideal that your happiness rests in your home. If your home is in chaos, your life will no doubt be in chaos as well. As you can probably imagine with my hobbies of dumpster diving and couponing my house easily becomes overrun with my finds. This turns any available area in my house into a catch all. I have even caught myself sounding like a legitimate hoarder, trying to save everything and finding a use for anything. At times I feel as though I have lost control of my collecting usable items,which is beginning to rub off on my children, who are just blatant slobs. Every chore is a fight that I do not have the strength or energy to fight with them. Why do they like to live in the filth? As much as me and my hubby run around the house cleaning up behind them they should see that the house should stay a certain way, it is simple to pick up your blanket off of the couch and put it away. Yet they act like I am asking them to come out dumpster diving with me so they can jump in the trash cans. Most days they cannot even find shoes to wear to school. Yet they own atleast five pairs each.

I have to be the one to take control back of not only my home, but also my family. It has been so long since I have been able to claim control that I almost don't know what it feels like anymore. Life has gotten difficult over the years, and with each year it seems it bring new problems and challenges for both me and my family, many of echo only carry over from one year to the next, never actually getting solved or even addressed. This year, things are going to be different. I am going to be a better woman, mother, and wife.

Not So Merry Christmas

Suffering from depression is difficult at any time of year, but it seems as though it gets especially bad during the holidays. For some, it is based on the season of the year otherwise known as Seasonal Affective Disorder, which winter is the season with the most cases of this form of depression. For others, it is triggered by the feeling of loss for family members that have passed away. For the rest of those who suffer from depression during the holidays it is most likely triggered by the overall sense of lonliness during this time of gatherings, happiness, friends, and family. For anyone who suffers depression it doesn't really matter what season it is, we know we are depressed, lonely, agitated, emotional, and probably blame ourselves for these very feelings, yet at we may never know is why these feelings arise initially and also when they grow more intense during this time of year. Whatever the reasons behind your depression, it is best to try and work through whatever it is that is bothering you at that moment. 

Science has shown that depression is rooted in a chemical imbalance related to serotonin levels in the brain. This, in my opinion makes a person more receptive to more serious depression related to life experience. When a person experiences events that impact them in such ways as a death, divorce, or other serious events, this only compacts with the imbalance and has the potential to make a Clinically Depressed person. Once a person is suffering from depression, without treatment it will only get worse over time, as life is bound to bring additional stressors along the way. With or with out treatment the holidays will be among those additional stressors beginning with Thanksgiving. This holiday puts a lot of pressure on the average mom, let alone the mom suffering from either Clinical Depression or S.A.D. Christmas, Chanukah, and Ramadan will no doubt be the icing on the cakes of all moms who suffer this time of year as there is more demand for mom to be on stage with how she presents the holiday.

As moms, we have demands that dads (except single parent, or SAHD) just would not understand. We are always in the spotlight, and our skills as a mother are usually based on how well we present our families and homes. This causes much undo stress on moms, in addition to the stress of running the business we all know as our families. Now imagine you also suffered from depression or some other mental illness. It would become very difficult as the time moved on to continue presenting yourself and your family as the perfect family during the holidays. Hosting the parties, decorating the house, even baking cookies and doing crafts with the kids become the most daunting tasks. There is no more joy in decorating the tree, going to see Santa Claus, or baking so many sweets your husband has to tell you to stop. This is agony in itself, let alone watching the faces of your kids when you tell them the family Christmas party has been cancelled. Depression sucks at any time of the year but it is the worst during rh holidays because you feel now more than ever that you are letting down your family.

Your depression may have slightly gotten worse over the years or it could have come on all of a sudden, when it strikes it hits hard and is twice as hard to shake. Either way it is still not a good feeing for a mother to have, especially around a time of year when we are supposed to be at our best. This is the time of year when we are in the spotlight, with the big meals and decorations. This is our time to shine, but when even feel depressed, there are no big gatherings, mass baking, maybe not even many decorations but until the issues are actually handled, there will be none. This decision is your and yours alone, but if you make the wrong choice it has the potential to backfire and you may actually lose everything. When mental illness is concerned, there are few choices to be made and as a mother the choices are even slimmer. It's either fix what's wrong, save yourself and your family, or don't and lose yourself along with anything else you hold close.

Christmas is a major holiday that is meant to bring families together to celebrate the highest holy day in the Christian faith. This day is supposed to bring joy to families, families and strangers together, and give humanity a time to release the trials of everyday life to be grateful for those things they do have. When you suffer from depression it is very difficult to be able to appreciate anything at anytime, let alone during a holiday, yet the time of year gives way for opportunity. The New Year brings new chances for change and enhancement of self. Take the opportunity when it comes. Any time a new opportunity presents itself, try it, you never know how it will affect you whether positive or negative, but you don't know until you try. Make resolutions and make yourself hold to them. I know this could be pot meet kettle but, I'm on this journey right along with you. I too suffer for. Major depression, post partum, Seasonal Depression, you name it I have it, but I am comfortable and am able to own that for the moment. I believe that depression brings procrastination, and I am good at that too. In 2015, I am vowing to be a better person, getting the things done that I need to get done, and making myself happy, while making my loved ones just as happy. We are all going to do better this year. Together.

In the News

Recently there has been a rise in police violence involving both African Americans and Caucasians, that has resulted in many unnecessary deaths. With all of those who have died from the hand or gun of the police, there have been ZERO indictments to hold them accountable for their unnecessary actions. Police officers have an obligation to both uphold the law, and to protect the community that they work in, and for the most part this is the case. However there are officers who, for some reason or another do not protect their community and abuse the power they are given. These are the officers that I talk about in this post and that needs to be clear, I am in no way speaking about the officers who are actually protecting their communities and not harming them.

Why now is there this rise is police violence? I believe it began much earlier than the general public is actually aware of. The public only knows what the media reports, meaning that there are more instances of this brutality than we are aware of. Why now is it getting such media coverage? This is a widespread issue that is occurring in more places, further from the big city than anyone would expect. Is this really about race? That cannot be since there was an incident of brutality involving a Caucasian man who had Down Syndrome while with his caretaker. This is not an issue of race, this is an issue of police feeling that they are above the law, and this being justified in the legal system with no prosecutions across the board. To watch the videos from eyewitnesses shows that these officers were not only unjustified in their actions, but they also showed no remorse or regret for their actions. A prime example of a video that I have seen recently is that of the Eric Garner case. This is clear cut use of excessive force by not one but two officers of the NYPD. To date no one has been prosecuted for the death of Mr. Garner or the Florida man. In all of the recent incidents, the police officers have been vindicated, basically told they are allowed to use banned chokeholds, taser guns on heart patients, and the shooting of unarmed "suspects". 

The most attention and media coverage is focused on the African American victims, with communities across the country, even as far as Pakistan showing support for the victims through protests, vigils, even rioting when yet another police officer is cleared of any wrong doing. The question must be asked, who is in the wrong, the officers who caused the deaths of these victims or the members of the communities policed by these officers who are fed up with the way they are being treated by these officers? Are the rioters wrong for the overwhelming emotion that has boiled over from the vindicated violence of those who have sworn to protect them? In the opinion of this mother, I do not believe that they are wrong for what they are doing, I do believe that they are taking out their anger in the wrong direction. When they destroy businesses in their own community, they do not affect those who have actually injured them, they affect other members of their own community. This is what makes no sense to me, why would you destroy that which serves you? 

Most of the victims of this police violence are African American, which shows the stand many in this race have taken against the warrant less harassment they face from the police department. I have watched video of Black males being arrested by police for absolutley no reason, and these men being abused by these police for simply asking why they are being arrested. I am able to speak from experience in saying that when you ask a police officer why you are being arrested or even stopped, they seem to become agitated and even violent. I have been assaulted by a police officer on two separate occasions, the first time I was assaulted and my wrist was broken. I had done nothing more than given a friend a ride and dropped him off at another friends house. The officer attempted to detain me at a red light and when I asked him why he was stopping me three times he pulled me out of my car by my wrist, through the window! This is a very true story which resulted in my arrest and release from police custody. Police brutality can happen to anyone, but it only happens to those who question the abuse of authority.

The police are at fault for their inexcusable actions, yet why isn't the judicial system being held accountable for their lack in ability to bring an indictment against these offenders. I personally believe that the cases for the victims are not being presented strongly enough. I watched the video from the Eric Garner case from beginning to end and I saw absolutely no reason for the two officers to have not only used an illegal technique on Mr. Garner, they also blatantly ignored when Mr. Garner repeatedly said that he could not breathe. The officers should have been held responsible in some way for causing his death. They used their bare hands, a banned technique, and ignored the pleas of their "prisoner" for his life. What evidence could have been lacking for there to be no prosecuton? This case seemed as clear cut as they come, yet these men have not been held responsible for their horrific actions. When a person kills another person by means of strangulation, they are sent to prison, yet we as a society are shown that the police are now in fact above the law. I do not think this is a question of race and profiling, I do think that it is a matter of abuse of power. The police are a using their power more than ever before.

What do we as a society do to change this fad that has evolved? I have heard people state that we as a society out number the police force, so why are we allowing them to treat our members like this? My answer to this is that our society is not that unified to be able to do something like this. We battle each other so much over the simplistic things, that other less civilized countries have taken notice to how violent we are to each other, but we do nothing to protect our society. At first sight of the Eric Garner video, I was outraged and wanted to organize something to take a stand for the members of our community who have lost their lives to over zealous, under trained police officers. This type of violence is becoming so widespread that I am almost not surprised when I hear that yet another Grand Jury has failed to indict the people responsible. This only says that police officers are above the law and are allowed to take the life of a person who is (a)not a direct threat, (b)unarmed, and (c) not actually breaking any laws at the time of initial contact with the officers. Simply put, I just gave any jury with sense reasonable doubt.

This legal form of homicide will not stop until the people responsible are held responsible. Each time a police officer is vindicated for their actions, another is given permission to do exactly the same thing. These officers will never be held responsible for their actions until society tells them that they are no longer above the law. They are no longer allowed to "stop and frisk", harass a person for standing in one spot if they have not committed a crime, detain us for freedom of speech, use excessive force against anyone, or assume a person has committed a crime because of the neighborhood they are in, the color of their skin, or the the way they dress. People actually live in high crime, low income neighborhoods that your would not expect. I am one of those people. I am Caucasian, my husband is Black, and we live in a low income, urban neighborhood. I too get profiled not only by the police but also by people in the neighborhood. I have been approached by the police because they thought I was looking for drugs, and also by the "dope boys" to buy drugs. I do not choose to live in this area, but circumstances as they are have put our family here for the moment. We all have potential to be profiled by the police as well as others in our community. Until this stops, the above the law, closed mind sets of the police and actually become a civilized society, we will continue to see the senseless violence that we have seen with the victims of police violence.

One of Those Days...

Do your mornings run smoothly, kids get ready for school without incident, leaving you to spend the rest of your day relaxed? Not in the Ralliford household. In my house it seems as though any task that includes my kids is guaranteed to hold chaos. School mornings are no different. Of my three school aged daughters, the one who usually has no problems waking up and getting dressed is the youngest, who is in Pre-K. She is who I would expect the problems from, being that this is her first year in school. But no it is her older counterparts who seem to have the issues with the morning routine, actually with any routine as I think about it. These girls are amazing and not always in a good way. I can't get them to take a shower without being some sort of argument. They are young, but very opinionated. I have to blame my husband for that as he likes to give our kids freedom to talk to is about anything and they have misconstrued it to be that they can talk any way to us as parents. Most times my husband actually entertains this and they will have banter back and forth until I put a stop to it.

My household is anything but normal, as I have said on many occasions. We are loud, my kids are rambunctious, outspoken, and quite lazy. I don't want to sound like I'm bashing them, they mean the world to me and I'd be clueless and lost without them, but they fight me over everything. This is no different when they have to get ready for school. Maybe it's my fault for doing things for them rather than arguing with them, but it takes them literally one hour to wake up, wash their face, brush their teeth and put on their uniform for school. In my opinion this is way too long. They only do their morning routine after fighting with me about the uniform shirt I picked out or the shoes I'm telling them to wear, and having to tell them more than five times to brush their teeth and stop fighting. This would drive any mother crazy, especially if it is on a daily basis. No matter how simple I try to make things they always end up being about as difficult as learning a second language while trying to learn your first.

Every moment of the morning holds fighting, talking back, tattle telling, and anything else my daughters can think of to throw a wrench in their morning. When they are finally dressed, it is time for them to get out the door, this doesn't even happen without a fight among sisters. My oldest daughter is in the third grade, and had been begging us to allow her and her sisters to walk to and from school since last school year. We only agreed to let them walk being as the school is less then half a mile down our street. They cannot do this without a fight. There have literally been mornings when I have had to go outside in my. Bathrobe and slippers to stop them from fighting. Mind you, we live next door to a church and they were in their parking lot. 

The only peace I seem to have anymore is when I'm home with my baby Omega during the day. If you know my baby, you know he was born with Down Syndrome, so this causes a delay in his development. He is two years old yet he is on the level of a one year old. He brings me peace when I am surrounded with chaos. It seems a little off that it is more peaceful with a one year old, than with three girls who are old enough to attend school but I guess that's what I signed up for having four kiddos only two years apart in age. Don't get me wrong, I love my girls but they can be trouble most of the time. And yet it seems they only respond to yelling and chaos in return. 

It seems that no punishment actually works with them. We take away their t.v., and they shrug it off. We take away their toys, they don't even shutter. This year for Christmas, we bought our kids nothing. The only gifts they got were from their grandmother, my god sister, and each other. Yet even this did not seem to phase them.  What works? Having them sit and write sentences. My two oldest are old enough for this punishment, while my youngest daughter is still too young for this. For her it seems as though quiet time works for her. She is at the age where she has begun to fall on the floor, attempting to have a tantrum. I have to ignore her. If I allow myself to get worked up, yelling and getting angry with her, she will win. Yes I said it, a four year old will hold victory over an adult when I give into her fits. I have tried to research online other means of discipline, yet it seems as though I have already tried most of them to no avail. I see what the issues are and I have to address them before I can address the behavior. As with any aspect of parenting, consistency is the key to successful parenting.

Consistency is only part of the equation. Children have to see their parents as the example, not as a hypocrite. Even as young as my kids are, they are able to recognize hypocritical behavior and do not have a problem calling me on it. Perfect example, maybe a year or two ago, my husband told my oldest daughter that she needed to keep her things neat and put away, her response to him was, why if you don't? I had to stop on my tracks when she said that, because she was right. To this day they both leave their socks balled up wherever they take them off at, like father like daughter I guess. As parents we are our children's first teacher, and no matter how much we may say that children are to do as we say and not as we do, that is really not a realistic request when they learn everything they know from us. I guess it's time to give the little buggers more credit, and break it down for them in a way they understand. Be the best example, not the worst, and know that they are like the government, always watching.

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No Instructions for Moms

As a mother of four children, I have my fair share of questions that go unanswered, frustrations that go unsettled, and burdens left unmet. Having one child with special needs, another with emotional disorders, a rare hearing disorder, anxiety and anger issues that are through the roof, it has been emotionally tasking, not only on me as a mother, but also on my other two, who happen to be my middle children, influencing their behaviors and reactions. This coupled with my own physical and mental disabilities have made the very idea of positive parenting, let alone a healthy marriage seem nothing short of unattainable. Many days the very idea of having to fold the five oversized and over stuffed laundry baskets full of clothes (that will sit for another three days before being put away), only to not have made a dent in the mountain that is our dirty laundry, while changing the dirty diaper of my youngest child, who is an aspiring gymnast at the age of 25 months, makes me light headed and dizzy,    and that is all before lunch.

Growing up, I was a product of the 1980's, which sadly meant that I was also a child of divorce. My situation was a little different though, as I was being raised by my father. My mother suffered from bipolar disorder, which caused her to have a mental breakdown and leave when I was only about the age of my youngest child. I never had any sort of female role model to teach me the ways to grow into a woman, let alone to be a good mother, so as a mother of three girls, I now have many questions that go unanswered. My husband likes to make a joke of it, telling me to "google it", and to appease him, and maybe myself as well, I do so and find little to nothing more than more confusion than I began with. So I am still left with the same, if not more questions than I began with, and still no where to go for the answers. I am lost in raising myself, let alone these four children who are not able to take care of themselves, justifiably, so where do I look for the answers? Does anyone have the answers? I mean all of the answers in one place that are feasible for me.  I'm not some soccer mom who wakes up in the morning with lipstick on, makes full breakfast at 6am while packing lunches for the family, making homemade everything, and never a hair out of place. I am the epitome of the polar opposite of this, rolling out of bed to get the kids up and dressed for school, shuffling around in hubby's bathrobe and slippers, to hurry them out the door, so that I can have a chance to go back to sleep before I take my son with me to go dumpster diving until it's time to begin picking up my kids from school. This is my day, I try to do house work, yet my mental and physical illnesses always find a way to stop me from completing anything. 

It's seems as though the story of my very being for the past six years has been nothing other than incomplete pages. The only thing that has been both completed and that I can be proud of is the birth of my children. At times I feel as though I have let them down, knowing by the time I had my third child that my health was deteriorating, yet, there was not much that I could do at that time to stop, it let alone just to contain it. I know that in life, we all have trials and tribulations that are placed in our path, some worse than others, while even still another has it worse than that, yet it is difficult to swallow those that have been placed in mine. I do not feel sorry for myself, and do not allow for others to either. Life is what gives us the knowledge and strength to handle any situation. All people have this same strength, they just have to be both willing and ready to dig deep within themselves. You have to be willing to let go of the past, all of those events that happened, those bad memories that you just seem to not be able to let go. I have realized that sometimes this means that we have to seek professional help. Do not be ashamed to seek help. The only way to be the best person you can be is to overcome those anchors that drag you down. The anchors are those events in life that are deep within your memory, yet they have stopped you in your tracks of growth in life. These are the events that have caused scars deep within your emotional psyche, such as abuse that you cannot get rid of, you may or may or may not have flashbacks or even black out from these memories, but as an adult it is time to let go.

As with anything in life, letting go of the past is always easier said than done. For some it requires professional help, and others are able to simply read some books and write in a journal to free their minds of the past. What ever it is that will heal the wounds of the past, it has to be done. For me, it has been medication that has eased the pain somewhat. For a long time, I didn't have the insurance or the money too get the help that I needed, so my issues turned into depression and anger. The anger has been difficult to overcome, even when I believe that I have conquered a new issue, it comes back to haunt me. I am easily agitated, especially when I am off of my medication and this is very evident to everyone around me including my loving husband and my four kiddos. Sometimes it is difficult to curb the anger that has festered even before the receivers of the repercussions were even a twinkle in my eye, but they are the ones standing in front of me screaming mommy fifty times before I answer them, not understanding why mommy yells so much, cries sometimes, and has even said "leave me alone" once or twice. Does this make me a bad parent? Absolutely not, and anyone who says different does not have four kids, a husband, and the issues that others like me have had to overcome. I am not saying that I have had the worst life of anyone, ever because, I am aware someone else will always have a worse situation than myself, or I could even imagine. What I am saying is that those who tend to judge, have not experienced the same things that I have. It is possible to have a similar situation, but when you have limited income and resources, the struggles become more difficult to overcome. If you sleep on a cheap mattress, you won't be doing much sleeping but if you sleep on a pillow top, you will sleep like a baby. This is the same is life, limited income equals poor treatment all the way around. I do not want any sympathy, this is the way I have chosen to live my life. We all make choices in life and once the decision is made, you have to live with it no matter what the repercussions. 

Parenting is just as confusing as life. Contrary to popular belief, it does not get easier the more children you have. Having four kids is very difficult for a mother in similar health as myself, but I do not regret it, nor would I change anything about my family composition. You always have to appreciate your family and try your hardest to show appreciation for them as much as possible. Just thinking about it, I believe that as mothers we are able to show our appreciation for our families by taking care of their needs, while giving encouragement and support. There are no instructions on being a parent or a wife, but as long as we are able to do what needs to be done so far as taking care of our families, we will be able to learn as we grow and progress individually.