The Troubles with Marriage

Marriage is a rocky road that takes perseverence, dedication, and loyalty in addition, it seemed as the love, devotion, and respect that brought the two of you together. Marriage will be tested constantly not only by the friction that arises normally from finances, kids, and work but also the change that you and your husband are bound to make over the years of being together and growing older. Over time people are bound to change, sometimes for the better, and others for the worse but there is almost always change. I believe that this is part of the reason that second marriages are more successful than the first. If only there was a way to fix the first marriage before it was broken to alleviate the reason for divorce.

No marriage is perfect, and my own is a perfect example of imperfection. My husband and I have been through everything, just short of infidelity and we are still together. I could tell you some stories that would make you ask why we are still together? I would have to answer that our love, devotion to eachother, and respect for our children has seen us through some very difficult situations, that I have to think have not only made us stronger as a couple but also as individuals. There is one thing that my husband and I have done that I believe helped our relationship in a small way enough to open lines of communication where there once were none. The task that I am talking about is a Mock Separation, that's right, I said Mock Separation, and it was done completly in house, without either of us moving out for even one night. Implementing an in-house separation means that you and your spouse cannot speak to each other, unless it's regarding the kids or scheduling, it also means that you are not able to sleep in the same bed together either. At times it may seem awkward, but honestly it helps. The key is that you have to stick to it and hold your ground.

I believe that I actually adjusted to the separation better than my husband. He had a very difficult time not talking, even though one of his main issues with me is that I don't talk enough. I can actually say that once the seperation began I felt a weight lifted. I honestly felt a bit of relief, maybe it was the pressure of marriage lifted, even if just for a second. I didn't have to cook for him, clean up after him, I wasn't worried about pleasing him. This may sound crazy to some, but when you are married to someone and get to a point that one, or both of you feel stuck in a rut, can't seem to get out of it but don't want to jump into a divorce, this is the best option. There are no two ways around it, this is the only way to salvage a good marriage. This is not the option for every marriage, if your marriage is beyond repair, this will not save it. If your spouse has cheated on you, is abusive, or makes your life a living hell the decision rests with you alone, whether your marriage is able to be saved and if you want to invest the energy it will take to forgive your spouse and the actions they have committed. I am fortunate that my husband has never cheated on me, and I couldn't even consider infidelity. Yet during those volatile times during our marriage, you would think that there was some form of indiscretion with the level of anguish displayed by us both.

I am among the small group of women who is confident in the fact that my husband has never physically cheated on me. On the other hand however, I can also say with confidence that my husband has had questionable conversations with about a handful of women over the ten years that we have been together. In the beginning of our relationship, me finding a text from a woman or a long phone call with an unfamiliar number would have warranted a blow out to say the least. Yet at this point in our relationship, I have given my husband amnesty to admit to his wrong doings, met with little to no reaction. Why the change of heart? It has to do with coming to terms with the type of wife that I have become. Over the years, and through the many trials I have grown more distant, yet never losing the love I have for my husband. I have become so encapsulated in my own issues that I have forgotten about those closest to me. I am able to admit that I have allowed for my life to overwhelm my very being.

My husband and I are very passionate people that seems to only be present in times of turmoil. Recognizing that we have these traits sometimes is able to help in those times of trouble. When we notice that a discussion may be heading towards a disagreement, we need to take a step back, but my husband likes to try and make me laugh, which can honestly go either way. I have to admit  though, most times I can be too serious and try my hardest to keep a straight face. In hindsight I know that I need to let go of things that are minute, while being able to take a joke especially when it's being used as a deflector. Life is hard enough without you or your spouse making things difficult, so just take a breather and make 'em laugh.

The House of Chaos

Living with your house in chaos will definetly have your family in chaos as well. When you live in constant mess, your life will be a constant mess. I am, and always do write from my personal life experience with the hopes that someone, somewhere would benefit from my chaos. This time is no different, it seems as though my own mess has slowly turned into borderline hoarding. I have found a way to get almost everything my family needs for free, and I am able to get things for my household and then some almost on a daily basis. While I am saving my family money on everything from furniture and home decor to food and household needs, I am getting so much that I have run out of space to put it all. I even find things that my family doesn't need, but that I could sell to make my family extra money, but I haven't done that yet either. It seems as though I have not only helped my family financially, but I have also hindered my family with all of the excess clutter.

If I were to take video or photos of my house, many would be shocked at how much of everything we have. There is extra everything, stacked from the floor to the ceiling. It isn't in every room, but that is to be credited to my husband who really puts up with me more than I would. It is in almost every room in my house, and the rooms not holding excess, are just a mess that need to be cleaned up. My bad habits have rubbed off onto my children. While they are not hoarders, they often refuse to do their share of cleaning around the house. I know that I am the reason for this, being so sick from having Cancer that I was bed ridden, to being in remission from cancer and piling stuff into the house daily. Not to mention my spine that only has strength when it comes to collecting and not cleaning. As you can probably imagine, the clutter and mess causes issues between my hubby and me all of the time. 

I am still trying to understand why I do the things that I do and don't do the others. Why would a woman do something that constantly causes issues between her and her husband, rather than just pushing the easy button and do what I am expected as a wife, and mother? Why do I continue to fill my home with things that I may be able to use along the way, could possibly trade for something I need, sell to bring in income, or any other reason I can think of. My husband says this is what makes me a hoarder, I have to strongly disagree. I admit, I need to be more organized in life and my household, I just hate to feel like I'm controlled or constricted even if it is by my husband for the benefit of our family. At times it seems s though I have lost all control of not only my household, but myself. I get so angry with myself when I walk through my house, tripping on yet another bin filled with dog food, all different sized plastic bags, and whatever other things I have either brought home from dumpster diving or couponing, lacking the energy to put them away. Do you know how many fights have started over someone tripping over something that has no space. I know this is an issue, yet I have such a difficult time being organized. 

I have Googled and tried more than my fair share of other people's solution to clutter, to no true avail. What works for a few months doesn't usually last much longer than that. If it isn't my physical health that drags me down, than my mental health usually gives in to its own cruel convincing that I can't do what I'm trying to do. I have even had friends offer to come help me to get the organizing under control, while I always accept the offer verbally, I don't think I could actually allow someone else to come into my home and organize my multiple boxes of sandwich baggies in all different sizes. This probably makes me look a little crazy but I have lived most of my life going without, and as long as I am able to control my movements, I will make sure that my family never has to go without. I have been able to find the means to an end, although the action in itself is physically draining. What success comes easy? None that is worth speaking about. If it comes too easy you probably won't appreciate the victory of success. So what then? What do I do to conquer this chaos that the overwhelming clutter has created? Out of the thousands of organizing techniques floating around the Internet which is the most effective in conquering the chaos, while also implementing relationship building for the family? I only wish this were a rhetorical question, I truly have not a clue. Does this make me a failure as a mother? I certainly hope not, I would think that most Uncommon Moms would feel similar, but if I am a part of some minority than so be it, at least I am able to admit that I have a problem.

 There are many reasons why aa person would accumulate so much that it leaves the category of clutter and graduated to the level of madness that will overcome the entire family.
For me there are a few different things that I can say attributed to my madness and ultimate need for a storage locker. It began with extreme couponing, gradually got worse when I began dumpster diving, got out of control when my dad passed away, and is now just being fed by dumpster diving to the point of being overwhelmed. I have so much that can be resold yet I am lacking in the motivation to get it all done. This is what has caused the chaos in my home, I am my own undoing. For some it may just be years of collecting random items, and for others it could be that a death of a loved one causing mass accumulation. Whatever the reason, the stuff has piled up to the rafters leaving little to no room to even live. To conquer this clutter will take longer than one day, even a week but the first step in accomplishment is actually admitting that there is a problem and asking for the help needed to overcome it. You just have to be certain that the person or people you ask for help are truly there to help you and do not have some alterior motive. Seek the help of others who may have been in your shoes at one point, those with no motive to form judgment, and those who you know will never use the help they give as leverage or ammunition to belittle you.

It is very important to conquer the clutter before it gets out of control, yet if you are like me it is too little too late. It is time for an overhaul in life, not only with your clutter. Taking baby steps, not overwhelming yourself, and seeking help when needed are sure fire ways to begin to conquer your own personal monster of clutter. Now it's time for me to bite the bullet and conquer my own demons.

Helpful site:






http://www.flylady.com

Mother: the heart of the home

As mothers, we carry great responsibilities on our backs, and great stress on our minds. We carry this for our entire family, both immediate and extended, blood and otherwise without much complaint. Our bodies are fragile, yet we are expected to carry more than our weight in life and yet are only honored for our daily struggles one day each year. While I am flattered at the thought of being honored, I am also disparaged to think that on every other day of they year we are taken for granted for what we do to keep our  families together;teaching our children their very values and morals, keeping our husbands sane enough to be the bread winner, all while ensuring that the house is kept up, everyone in the family gets to the doctor as needed, paying bills on time and everything else under the sun when it comes to your husband, children, and maybe (if your lucky) yourself. Why is it that there is only one day perear that actually takes time to recognize all that we do for our family?

My husband told me something today that sounded ridiculous to me, maybe it will to you too. My husband works in a garage around 15-20 males who speak daily with no filter, and a topic of discussion this past week in the shop was how they were celebrating Mothers Day. More than one of the males in the shop said that they were taking their mothers out to breakfast, buying their mother a new dishwasher, or some other gift to their mother. When my husband asked what about their wives, the men all but laughed in his face,looked him dead in his eyes and said, she isn't "my" mom! This is disgusting to me that anyone would think this way about their wives and the women who birthed their offspring. To my delight, my husband all but flipped out for the dumbest response ever. I have to hope that this mindset is limited to the Neanderthals who work with my husband but I know better. If there are this many men who feel as though their wives are not on the same level as their mother, there are more out there. To those I say, WE ARE MOTHERS. Why wouldn't I be on a higher lever than your mother when I have not only mothered YOUR children,  but I have also mothered YOU since the day we met! This mentality bothers me to no end and just want to scream when I hear it.

I am witnessing first hand what happens when mom breaks down like an old Ford pick up. The entire household had gone to shambles as I sit by watching, body riddled with pain unable to perform the duties expected of a mother and wife while my daughter's witness a mother, a female role model doing little more than cooking dinner on occasion, is angry and sad most of the time. Is this what they will learn is a mother, raising their children the same way as they were raised? Am I doing any better than my own mother who left when I was just two years old? I am better than her because I'm still here with my children and husband, striving daily to make my marriage and family better than what I had. This is the reason why we as mother's are the heart of our homes, we are what keep our lives and our family's lives in check. We are expected to be the manager of our homes, the all knowing one who can recite on the drop of a dime any and all appointments, rides, play dates, and sleep overs, not to mention being the banker and business manager of an income that is not your own. 

There is so much that is required of us as mothers, wives, and women that are tend to forget ourselves and what see need in the process. My husband and I were spending a night at our friends house when the discussion of being the caretakers came about. I was all but amazed at the way that my husband described me as I am whenever he gets sick. I didn't think that he actually was aware of the way I run through the house like a headless chicken anytime he gets his famous yearly stomach flu. Usually it never fails that when daddy gets sick, at least one of his little princesses follow suit. I never thought anyone, especially not my husband would ever even take heed to the fact that while I am busy taking care of everyone else that I know, I have allowed for myself, to be forgotten in the meantime. I am confident that most mothers of larger families can not only relate, but mirror this all so common scenario.

When do we get to the point of drawing a line in the sand? Where we as individuals are shown the same attention to detail that we give? Is this a selfish request of a mother and wife, knowing that when we got married and began having kids this was exactly what we signed up for? With all things considered, you wouldn't neglect your heart health, if physically conscious otherwise. Caring for yourself in the midst of family is no different. All too often mom goes forgotten when it comes to caring for all of those we love. There is nothing wrong with this, after all these ARE our loved ones, but we can't remain forgotten. Let me be your prime example. I lived and allowed for a mere infection go untreated to the point of cancer, and endometriosis, ravishing my insides with the only possible remedy being a full hysterectomy. To this day I am watching my back to make sure that this doesn't happen again, yet regretfully with a blind eye.

Never will anyone take care of you the east that you should take care of yourself. Most times when mom isn't putting everything and everyone else first those around us think something is wrong. It is now time to find your individual, and see what it is that she needs in order to be the best everything, instead of something or another. This life is too short to allow it to overcome you with anything other than happiness and joy, instead of the stress and despair that we live with in our daily lives. While we may be the heart of our families and homes, we cannot forget that we are of the most important pieces of our family puzzle and without us at our full capabilities we might as well not be in this position at all.

The Un-follower

I am not a follower of other blogs, maybe so I do not compare my blog to theirs. I do however know that most bloggers address their audience on a more frequent basis than I do to mine. Do I even have an audience? Well, for those of you who do happen across my page I know you are looking for something. Who would visit a blog titled the Uncommon Moms if they weren't looking for something. Most likely you are a mom like me who feels that soccer moms are a work of fiction well written and organization skills have all but run away screaming from anything you touch. Like many of you, I am still on my journey to motherhood perfection, having many hiccups along the way. This blog is somewhat therapy to me, searching for the right path and making my search as public as possible. Hopefully my quest will help,someone else along the way.

I am by no means a perfect mother or even wife for that matter. Like many, I have faults that are both visible to the naked eye, and buried deep within myself, both causing daily struggles within me as well as with my family. To some my struggles are also my faults, to me they are my hurdles, some even mountains that I alone have to bear. With these struggles, I often find myself searching for answers from others for the inner battles I struggle with, to little avail. There are not many, especially mothers who fight the same battles which makes my search a dogged one. Yet I know that while I am a mother found few and far between, there are others who struggle in a similar way that have been on the same, or similar quest as I am on now. This is why I write. I write to reach those mothers like myself who sometimes struggle with the "normal" daily routine of motherhood, who have fought with themselves just to make dinner, let alone playtime with the kiddos or quality time with the husband. Honestly I don't think I even remember the last time my husband and I did anything more than sit in the same room letting the tv watch us without a kid coming in screaming at the top of their lungs about how their sister looked at them the wrong way, hit them, or didn't want to play with them. This is the life of an uncommon mom with four kiddos under the age of ten, the oldest having emotional issues and my youngest being born with Down syndrome. To say the least, my days are never dull.

Every person struggles, and all struggles are different. No one person is able to judge another's struggle, say it is less or more than their own as all struggles are different. The life I live, the family I have, and the people I choose to surround myself with are in place because I have done something or another to have them in that exact spot. I do not follow along with the mainstream media, the blogs of talentless women flaunting around whatever city is the focus this season, or even the nightly news because of the nonsense that is given to the unsuspecting public, being camouflaged as information. I do not teach my children the typical history book stories, rather the true stories of our history and our present so that they begin life with a realistic point of view. I teach my children to be leaders, to set their own standards, to be un-follwers of the mainstream nonsense and opinions that are based on very little truth.

It is not easy to be an un-follwer especially in the age of Facebook and Twitter, where you are considered disloyal if you do not follow one of your so called friends. In this the technology age, people have stopped having face to face contact, less speaking to one another and more texting. Have we as a society lost touch with each other for convenience? Is this what we want our children to learn, that you don't actually have to know a person to be their "friend"?  I encourage more of us to elect be un-followers, to teach our children to be un-followers. There is such a stigma in having the most followers, views, re-tweets, etc., that there is no room left to be an individual with integrity. Yet another reason to be an UN-follower.

Recently there has been more attention to the "mommy blogger " that I am beginning to think that there is no true respect from the mainstream media for a writer who happens to be a mom. It could be my own mind playing tricks on me, taking offense to the things that should be brushed off, yet I can't help but notice that the respect that once was possibly given to a mother who was a writer, had now been diminished to just being a "Mommy blogger". I would like to believe that mother's are a group seldom heard from outside our own homes and immediate circles, but I have to be the voice of reality. As mother's, we are voicing our opinions more than just to the anonymous web but also in our children's schools, with doctors, in our daily lives yet I would like to believe that the opportunity to voice my opinions to the broad audience of the web is much better than once in a while having to call someone's corporate office to get my point across.

Whatever the forum, whatever the content I am ready to voice my opinions on anything from parenting to maternal depression to marital discourse, in a way that is seldom heard in mainstream media, very blunt with little to no filter. At times you may think to yourself, she is too raw, she needs censorship, or whatever else you may think of the outspoken. I am a mother who has seen the bad side of most facets of life including less than notable healthcare, being misdiagnosed and having to literally fight to be seen by a Dr., along with my children who have suffered rare hearing disorders going years without being properly diagnosed, dealing with a post partum diagnosis of Down Syndrome in my youngest as At in a positive way instead of esson. I am by no means looking for a pity party, rather showing the adversity that I have faced, and have been able to conquer in my life to only use it as a building block of sorts. The challenges I have faced in life have given me experiences that I can use to teach my children, stories to tell over coffee, and endless writing material that promises to at least keep your attention. While many of the roads I have traveled have brought me to where I am now, the stops along the way have been worth it.

Introduction to My Inner Crazy

I used to believe that we all had a little crazy inside, just waiting to be released at the right moment and that I just have an issue knowing when it was the appropriate time to unleash. I am beginning to see that not everyone has that inner crazy and it is quite possibly a me issue. At the ripe old age of 32 I am finally realizing and owning my inner crazy, however it is possibly too late.

At the age of 12, I was not only diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder but I also lost my birth mother to suicide by means of auto accident. At that age, I couldn't grasp the totality of losing the person who I barely knew as mom, let alone understand what it meant to have a Borderline Personality Disorder. Even now, 20 years later I am still learning what it means to be a Borderline Personality. Just the other day I learned that a person with Borderline Personality believes that fundamentally there is something wrong with them. I've always felt as though I were inadequate in some manner but could never understand why I felt this way or what to do to stop it. This feeling has greatly impacted not only my outlook on life and how I feel about my life and what I contribute.

Borderline Personality Disorder is now carrying on to my children, breeding this confusion in them. I have three girls with my oldest only 9.5 years old, and a two-year old son who was born with Down Syndrome. My daughters all suffer from some form of emotional Disorder, while my son is non verbal, and I can't help but think in the back of my head that this is my fault somehow. And then the light bulb goes off! It's simple as nurture vs nature. I have conditioned my children to my way of thinking, my Borderline way of thinking to the point that they think it is normal and rational thinking. The conclusion to this dilemma is that both my nature that I have passed down and the nurture of my parenting skills has dictated that my children will inevitably suffer from this same fate if I allow it to continue to grow within my home. What choice do I really have, does anyone suffering from this disorder have when you are a mother, father, grandparent and have people relying on you, little people who don't know anything that hasn't been taught to them.

Is it selfish to need to take time away from life to get a handle on this disorder that makes me feel as though I'll never be better? Why would a mother want to be away from her children? A wife from her husband, if not to become a better person individually? To even imagine taking time away from my family seems almost foreign to me, but in order to improve my children's environment, I may have to embark on a soul searching trip. Not having to go far geographically more metaphorically to clear all of the negative thoughts making way for nothing but passive actions and thoughtful living, humility and knowing my own self worth. This disorder will make you believe the worst about yourself so it is almost required that you are able to clear all the negative thoughts about yourself from yourself.

My husband has told me several times over the years we have been together, that I need to destroy and rebuild from the inside out. What does this mean when I have already broken myself down to the bare bottom? How do I begin to break free from the negative thinking and doing when that seems to be the only way of action? It begins with the full sized mirror, usually reserved for dressing and primping, that has become the first step in my transformation. This seemingly inanimate object is the very reflection of my inner self, wearing my emotions and stress like a mask in the theatre for all to see and judge. I am the only person in control of that mirror and its reflections, therefore it is my duty alone to change the years of negative thinking, and beating up on myself and those around me.

Anyone who suffers from or has a loved one who suffers from any mental illness can easily testify to the difficulty of having a stable, loving relationship. Once I have forgiven myself, and been forgiven by my loved ones we are all more able to forget the past completely. This is all simpler to say than actually do, but once everyone can set the goal of forgiveness and forgetfulness, it may be easier to attain.
For me, this journey is more urgent than others, my marriage and happiness are on the line. This disorder takes over all aspects of my life from self esteem to my libido, and my kiddos are even beginning to show signs of the very behavior that is used to identify Borderline, yet as more of a learned behavior not knowing that how they are behaving is wrong. This is unacceptable and must be fixed NOW.

My marriage is suffering like no other, from the outside looking in I could very well be sabotaging the very bond that has kept us together for 10 years. I'm no longer the woman my husband married. I am more angry, standoffish, unmotivated, and sad than ever before, not feeling able to give my husband or children what they need so bad. Something is missing in my life, something so simple that everyone else takes for granted, and when I think I have it I usually do something to mess it up. But would this really be the cure all that I need? Or will it end up snake oil like usual. Life is funny that way, just when you think you've got it all you lose everything you thought was concrete. I don't even think I would know what to do with it if I had it. Oh well, life is Murphy's law and nothing good ever comes easy and without consequence.

The Pain Within

In life we focus so much on what another persons perceptions of us is that we do not have the time or the where with all to have a perception of ourselves. Almost one year before I was officially diagnosed with cancer, I had an older woman, who was in remission ask me who my oncologist was, presumably because of my outer appearance. I had circles around my eyes, my face was sunken in, I was skinny, and my hair was growing back after being cut almost to the root. Shortly thereafter while my husband and I were in an auto parts store, a man who was in line behind him was trying to make conversation with him by asking if he knew if I ( who was off looking at a display, still within earshot) was a man or a woman?! This goes to show that different people, in different situations will have a very different perception of the same person, situation, or thing. What can be learned from these very different situations, aside from the obviously different perceptions? For me, at that point in my life, it only made me feel more self conscious about how I looked, and more depressed about the way I felt, saw myself, and others saw me. It drove me deep into a place mentally that was not a good one. My husband kept trying to convince me that I was better than that , but how much could that be true when before the next year was over, I did in fact have cancer and there was nothing that could be done about that. 

I have been blessed to not feel as though my family lives below the Federal Poverty Level, yet according to our finances, we do. This should, and would in many states, automatically qualify me and my entire family for medical insurance, especially since I now have a cancer diagnosis. In the great state of Texas, this is not the case. If my husband were working, or we even borrow more than a certain amount of money and report it to the proper authorities, that automatically disqualifies us from receiving medical insurance. I lived with cervical cancer that spread into my uterus and ovaries, also causing Endometreosis for over four years, without many people even knowing. I didn't reach out to the Cancer Society, or any other of the agencies that are supposed to assist with things such as medical care because in all honesty, they are not actually set up for people like me. The people who live under the line. There is a common miss perception that these places are in fact in place to help those who are in "my situation", but there is always some reason or another that I do not qualify. I battled this illness with nothing more than my husband at my side trying to take care of the bitter old woman trapped in his wife's deteriorating body. I think the worst part of it all was my ability to still get pregnant. I don't think either me or my husband really understood this. I was in constant pain, to have sex only made the pain worse, yet as a wife I felt somewhat obligated to be intimate with my husband her I could. It seemed as though every time we made love, I was pregnant and each pregnancy made my pain that I was already suffering from having cancer even worse. By the time I was pregnant with my last child. I was on bed rest for the entire pregnancy, pretty much couldn't walk without my husband helping me, and there was nothing anyone could do to help.

It was amazing to me because even after my son was born, the doctors that I usually ended up with didn't seem to have a clue what they were doing. No one wanted to perform the one surgery that would presumably end it all in one try, they all wanted to keep me on pain medication. As anyone with four children, one being a newborn with Down Syndrome and oldest child with Emotional disorder, can attest to, you cannot be doped up on pain pills. I did not want to be on medications. I wanted to be free of this monster inside of me. Was this such an unreasonable request when the surgery was simple and basically a no brainer with my case? It took me six doctors, and twice being walked out by security to find a doctor with the same way of thinking. He was able to see that this was eating me alive. I was miserable, depressed, unmotivated to be anything, let alone a wife and mother. I was literally dying from my soul outward. This diagnoses had weighed me so far down that I felt as though it was almost impossible to dig a way out. Unless you have been in this situation, no matter why you were there, you cannot imagine the depth of the depression that I speak of. It is deeper than the Grand Canyon and darker than the darkest corner of the universe. It is the most lonely place, your echo is the loudest you have ever heard, almost deafening. Yet you can always see a pinhole of light far off I the distance and you know you have to get to that light no matter what. This is what my diagnoses was, and I was originally only diagnosed with cervical cancer. I needed to be free from the physical and mental torture that I was suffering from for so long, and this doctor was able to see the way out. It seemed so simple, why wasn't this done three years ago? Oh yeah, no insurance. The only way I was even at this doctor was because my husband lost his job. The double sided sword of living in poverty.

Within two weeks I was being prepped for surgery. I was excited and nervous all the same, but I knew this was the only way to save my life. A simple hysterectomy, taking out everything that both made me sick and allowed me to bring life was all it took to heal this suffering that I felt. They found so much that seemed to be in plain sight of any decent doctor. All of this could have been avoided. Depression quickly turned to anger and distrust of medical unprofessionals. I felt like the target of an office pool, of how long I would live for with so moch going wrong. How could I be happy? I should be for the second chance at life right? Not exactly. Now I have new diagnoses that have been growing and festering within for even longer than the cancer was. Imagine the irony, I was so busy focusing on one disease that seven others crept up and took over my entire nervous system and spinal cord. With all of this, I have still devoted my life to helping others in need. I try and help as many random people as I can, and now I have begun a charity to help families, especially during this time of year, with holidays looming. I know that regardless to how much pain I suffer, there is always someone else who is worse. There is always someone who is suffering the same illnesses, living in a box, literally. I am in no way being faciscious, just honest opinion.

 Life is difficult for everyone no matter who you are, where you are from, or what you look like so it is better to play the hand that is dealt rather than swapping cards in the deck. We always think that those who are financially privileged either don't struggle, or are immune to disease as if they are made of Teflon. Most times those of us grossing less than $100,000 per year have less stress than a person who is in the top 1%, only because they have more people around them wanting to be taken care of. Health wise I have to believe that those who are more fortunate have less issues with better care. Nothing can be done about terminal disease, yet for the most part they are healthier and have better quality of care. Money can help out with most issues in life but what happens to your health is almost inevitable.