Have you ever noticed that whenever you plan to make a change, the day the change is set to begin every hurdle is thrown in your direction? Example; if you say, 'Thursday I am going to quit smoking,'but when "d" day rolls around, just so happens Murphy's law takes charge. If you really want the change, you will fight the adversity, says everyone around you. It is something much easier said than done, but it is true that no change will be handed to you. You will have to go after it with everything you have inside and then some.
When you suffer from any type of mental illness, change is that much more difficult, without making excuses for myself rather offering an explanation. Depression hinders change by 100 times more than the average person would experience. Being depressed will make you believe that you are the worst person alive, and that you will never be able to change. I know this because I am living with depression daily. I have found myself being all set up for change, then when the time comes to put the plans in motion, I am the first to convince myself that I am capable of much less. That is the depression that is waiting in the wings to tell me how bad of a person I am when I even let the thought cross my mind.
Living with depression I have realized that I am my own worst enemy when it comes to change. I am able to build myself up to make the change, doing everything I know to prepare for the transition yet when the time comes I have broken down any intention to make the change. I have found it to be very difficult to bring my focus back to the change after having destroying any intention I have for becoming a better person, wife and mother. Even as I am writing this, I feel as though I am convincing myself even more that I am incapable to change the traits that I see as faults. I don't know about you but I seem to be my own worst enemy when of comes to changing anything, especially when it is about something that I have always viewed as a non issue, then what is the victory in that?
The change in my life has to come when I alone am ready for this change. I cannot force myself to be something or act a certain way just to please others or to try and "fake if till I make it." This approach, while it may work for others, is not a good approach for a person like me. I have taken pride in my no filter, no holds barred manner in which I was raised, yet this seems to have caused more harm than good in my adult life. I have alienated myself, have allowed for others to have a means of judgement against me, calling me crazy for having no filter, simply speaking exactly how I am feeling in that moment. As I approach my 33rd year I am now recognizing that as an adult, filters are necessary in almost every situation. A filter could be the difference between life and death, having freedom and being imprisoned. Over the past two years I have been living in examples of poor judgement, costing my family a total of almost a thousand dollars in court fines and costs, money that could have been much better utilized on my household, my four children, or even a small family trip, instead it was paid to make right my misdoings.
I spent much of my youth in detention centers and being shipped from foster home to foster home. In hindsight I believe this has much to do with my adversity for change and my seemingly unfilterable reactions to what could have been avoidable situations. This upbringing has no doubt caused a ripple affect that has now impacted my adult life in almost every facet. Not truly understanding or being taught how to process stressful situations has held me down such as an anchor to a boat for far too long. I have to wonder if the change will come as a benefit or if I will continue to fight myself mentally, making every excuse known to man about why I can't do something. I chuckle to myself as I write these words, thinking of how many times I have told my own children to say you "can't do" something is equivalent to swearing in my household, yet my vocabulary is littered with the phrase. What a hypocrite I am, ha!
The new year is a perfect scapegoat for personal change, especially when like me you may have small issues with owning your sh**, and that's putting it lightly. This time of year makes way for many people to reevaluate the way that they have been living, making a conscious effort to change their shortcomings and highlight their strengths in effort to make them a better person overall. Not usually one for bandwagons, the new years change is something that I definitely strive to achieve. This year will be no different, I will take the next 365 days (yes this is a LEAP YEAR!) to work on myself; learning how to become a better wife, mother, and individual. While I don't know wear the glasses of perfection, I will strive for my best.
I will be sure to keep you all posted on my progress and invite you all to comment with your resolution and progress.
No comments:
Post a Comment