The Spiral of Depression

   

     The many celebrity suicides have brought some well needed attention to the topic of Depression. These suicides have seemingly taken the stigma away from being depressed, whether they suffered from depression or not. Not every depressed person thinks about suicide, and not every suicidal person is depressed. There is not always a cause to the effect. Life as a mom can be trying enough without factoring in any sort of mental illness, yet when a demon like depression is thrown in to the mix,it can (and most likely will) affect the way you parent, the way you wife, and the way you self. It has the power to grab a hold of you like a riptide and refuse to let go until you drown.
     I have suffered from some sort of depression for as long as I can remember. At the age of 11, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, yet did not even grasp what that was until seeing Girl Interrupted almost 10 years later. I was on and off medication, locked down, shuffled around, and most of all, alone. This allowed not only the depression to fester, but also for anger to grow, opening the door to rejection and violence. If you fast forward 10 years, it was more of the same, on a different level. I was no longer a child given chances, just being moved when I became a problem. I was a full fledged adult. Now I had to answer for myself, and many times that meant bumping my head into the legal system.
     Now I am 35 years old, a wife, a mother to four children, and a member of society (whether I like it or not) and yet the depression continues to have a hold over me. I still find myself being triggered to the point of a mental breakdown. Those are even occurring on a more regular basis. If it were not for my hubby, I honestly do not think I would have made it this far. I battle daily with the demons that ride along with being depressed. I am pretty sure a person can look at me and assume that I am depressed, stressed, battle anxiety, etc., no matter how much make-up I put on or how I dress. I have lost about 50 pounds over the course of a year (maybe less) without wanting to. I call that the "Olivia Pope syndrome" when a person is so stressed out that they forget to eat. That is me on the regular! A person who has never battled with or loved someone who battled with Depression would be hard pressed to understand the actual goings on that we battle with. For most people, it is simply "get over it" or "move on" yet it is not that simple. To say easier said than done is a drastic understatement.
     Without the proper help from a trained professional, I personally do not believe that a person can just get over depression. That help can come from many different avenues, from a counselor to a pastor, as long as the person can grasp that this is not a simple feat. In some cases, medication is needed to balance out the imbalance that occurs in the brain, as it has most likely been messed up for a long time. As with any life change, the person has to be ready to make that change, or they will be fighting it every step of the way. Depression will battle against you, posing as your inner voice. Depression will beat you up worse than the outside world ever could. Depression will make you appear to be lazy, unmotivated, unloving, and at times very crazy. The real you may not get to shine through the darkness of depression, making life very lonely. No one wants to be friends with the crazy girl.

Find Your Tribe

Welcome back to me and my followers! I've taken a bit of a hiatus from writing to attempt to find who I am. Being a mom and wife is hard and at times we as moms begin to feel "lost in the sauce" of our everyday lives. Over the past few months, many things have changed for me and my family that even today we find ourselves still trying to adjust. There have been physical changes (we moved), emotional changes (past infidelities have surfaced, my battle with Bipolar and Depression has become MORE of a daily battle), spiritual changes (we have fallen way out of Church), even financial changes (hubby lost one job that he loved to gain another that he prayed for, I went back to work on a part time basis while starting two business ventures). The past few months have been a roller-coaster, for lack of a better term. To be honest, it has actually given me so much fuel for the Uncommon Moms that I can write for WEEKS!
     In any sense of the term, our family has seen many trials over the past seven months. When most families are facing the things we have faced, they have some form of a support system to help get them through those difficult times, whether it be emotional support, or physical support it is there when needed. For my family, there is no support system. A little background- my mother passed away when I was 12 years old while I was in a youth program (borderline orphanage), my father (whom I had a strange, but tight relationship with) passed away just over five years ago, and both sides of my extended family are very estranged (haven't seen in person in over 20 years) and I believe have stayed that way intentionally. I have always been the black sheep rebel of the two families. My hubby only has his mother who lives 2,000 miles away from us and has plans on moving out of the country in 2019. Over the decade that we have lived in Texas, we have yet to establish and real roots- no friends, play cousins, barely acquaintances. We have been bamboozled more than a few times into believing that a person was a friend when they in turn were an enemy or came with motives. This not only makes life lonely, but it also makes those times of struggle that much more difficult to bear.
     Not many people can understand what its like to be an outsider almost everywhere you go, but inside be one of the dopest people in the room. Being accustomed to being judged in every situation has become second nature. As a person who battles depression, and is easily triggered, this only contributes to the depression and anxieties that follow you like a shadow that never goes away, not even in the dark. My hubby likes to remind me that I am never alone in any battle, we go through it together and we have our children, who at the end of the day can always make us laugh and forget the stress, even if just for a second. As a SAHM, just knowing that all you have is your immediate circle can actually contribute to the loneliness rather than alleviate it. It makes that circle just that much smaller, making it feel as though you are moving through life on an island. A 35 year old mom who battles with some things isn't exactly the type of person most people want to be friends with. Many will say that they "feel your pain" but when it comes down to it, they usually have some form of support from family, long time bestie, etc., that they don't need (not to be confused with being needy) the friendship in the same way you do. On the flip side, there will always be people who will "act as if" they are your friend, but when they make every excuse to not be around you while just keeping you around, is that really a friend?
     As kids, my dad had this yellowed ripped and taped up piece of lined paper that hung from our refrigerator for as long as I can remember. On that piece of paper was the Webster's Dictionary definition for "friend". One of the most important things that my dad drilled into my head as a young child was that not everyone is your friend. This was one of the things my dad would not only speak about, but also be about. He knew a lot of people through his garage, but not all of those people could he consider a friend. Along this train of thought, my dad also instilled in me that not everyone belongs inside your home. If they are not considered a friend, they do not enter. An associate doesn't care about you or your home therefore it would be easy for them to disrespect it. I was basically taught to be a loner from a very young age. I was not taught much else in the way of life's virtues, no real coping skills for life's challenges so I sit here as a 35 year old wife and mother who is striving to learn while I am responsible for teaching what I am learning.
     Do you realize how difficult it is to get through life without a support system? It is like swimming with your eyes closed. To not have a mother to turn to when I need advice, to not have a friend to turn to when I need to vent. No girls nights out, no babysitters for date night, no family reunions. Just the questions from my kids, and even myself. Questions like, why don't we have grandparents to come to our school on Grandparents Day, why haven't we ever been to a family reunion? Most parents will never have to look their kids in the eye and say, "Because we have no family" but this is an answer that seems to come to me like second nature. I have to think that it is easier to make friends in the woes that we know as High School, than to attempt the feat as a 35 year old adult. To all of my followers, when you find your tribe in life, do nothing but cherish them.

How Did This Happen?

Normally I am not usually interested in politics, yet in the current state of our union, I cannot just sit by and say nothing. This past Tuesday, Donald Trump accumulated enough votes in the electoral college to become the first person without a day of experience to be the President of the United States. The morning after election day the number one question on everyone's mind was "how did this happen?" I could do nothing more than freeze in my stance, jaw and tears dropping concurrently.

People around the world have had similar reactions, afraid of what is to become of our nation as well as their own. To have a man like that in a position of power to this extent makes most people get a heavy feeling in their gut. The hate fueled by this person is that of an era we all were certain was behind us. The hate that his selection has welcomed has made people of any color and compassion worry for the future of ourselves and our loved ones. He is allowing and even encouraging the racist actions of his supporters that are not directed at one group or another, but ALL people of color or diversion.

I am a mother of an interracial family. My three daughters and son (who was born with Down Syndrome)are Jamaican, Irish, and Italian, my step daughter is black and Puerto Rican. I also happen to have dread locks and live in an urban neighborhood in Texas. In the current state of our union, I fear for the safety of my family as well as the others who live in similar situations. I know that things are only going to get worse once this man gets sworn into office, which is very evident by the people he is choosing to have around him. If you have any doubts of this just look at who will be the Attorney General and the Chief of Staff, we as a nation will be subjected to the "stop and frisk"type scenarios of Giuliani era New York.

How will I explain to my children that the President is making it okay for them to be called a n***er and be told to "go back to their country" when BOTH of their parents, and their parents parents WERE born here? I have so many questions yet not enough answers, as do most of the people in this country. One question that could easily be turned into action is why he hasn't come out to publicly denounce this behavior from his supporters? What will it take for him to publicly denounce the hate that his supporters are spewing?

It is more important than ever to impress love onto ANYONE you come in contact with. I know as well as anyone that this is much easier said than done but we have others who will be looking to us for the guidance to get through these difficult and very volatile times. Our children will look to us for the answers to those questions when faced with ignorance and hate. It would be very simple to answer with hate but that will get us nowhere except back to the L.A. riots of the early 90's but on a national level. This election has affected our nation on every level, even so far as to draw divisions between family members and could easily incite a new civil war.

Donald Trump is not a person who should be in office. He was not chosen by the people, that would be the Popular Vote which actually went to his opponent. This man is not only a disgrace to himself but to the American people. I read somewhere that about 47% of registered voters chose NOT to vote, possibly being too comfortable with a Hillary victory or a Trump loss. This is most likely the number 1 reason that he was able to secure the right states to accumulate the electoral votes. I respect the #NotMyPresident movement, if only the vote could have been THIS impassioned and motivated I would not even be discussing this.

I pray for our nation.

What Happens When.......(part 1)

Welcome to my new series,"What Happens When..." where I am going to explore various topics that are relevant to me, and hopefully you as well. The first in this series, "...I fall between the cracks" is about the struggle to get adequate healthcare and the path that I, myself have been down on my journey to be healthy.

As a child, I do not remember being sick much, in spite of having two siblings, I do not even recall missing days from school. As an adult on the other hand, I feel as though I've been sick more days than I've been healthy! It began around the age of 22 or 23 and ten years later it has only seems to have gotten rapidly worse. Logically thinking, I have to say that in part this is due to lack of consistently decent healthcare in a failing healthcare system.

People have asked me on many occasions why I'm not adequately insured in some way, especially with the implementation of #Obamacare and my response to them is very simple, I am exempt from having to have insurance since the state I live in refused to expand its individual Medicaid system. I AM the grey area. A person like myself, with an extensive medical and mental health history can fall between the cracks very easily if you live in a state as independent as Texas. A place that can, in essence, choose which laws of the land it will abide by and and which they will blatantly ignore. It doesn't seem to bother the law makers much, though they are very much aware of what is happening to those of us who cannot afford ANY sort of insurance.

They are insulated and ignorant to what that Texas bravado is doing to it's communities. It isn't segregated either. Teachers at my children's school have confided that it is difficult to even provide life saving medications for their own children, because they do not have adequate family coverage. These are the people who work hand in hand with us parents in moulding and shaping our children, and we can't ensure that their own children are taken care of? We the "greatest nation ON THE PLANET" would turn it's back on its citizens without the bat of an eyelash. THIS is deplorable to say the very least.
Most European countries (where many of us originated from) give its citizens some form of Social Insurance coverage, which in turn ensures that its work force is healthy, less stressed and more able to perform their work duties with efficiency and accuracy. THIS in turn guarantees less time taken off of work for personal or family illness. Wake up America you are your own downfall.

Is Inclusion Always the Best Choice?

As many know my youngest child Omega was born with Down Syndrome. We chose not to have him participate as we did not feel that to have countless people in and out of our home would be beneficial to our family. This may or may not have been the right choice at the time, either way we stuck by our decision. Omega is almost 4 years old now and has started a special education program at my children's elementary school this past week that has been fully integrated with the atypical preschool classes (yes more than one class). I am a strong advocate of inclusion but not at the cost of my son's education and care.
I have never been one to exclude my son from things we do as a family. We go camping, Omega is with us. We go to the drive in, Omega is with us. He is no less equal than my atypical children, and to be honest his having Down Syndrome most times is a non issue. To many this may seem like an issue, that he should get more attention, we should coddle him through every life experience no matter how big or small. My husband and I have included him since birth but now I have given over half of my control to a school whose system is falling.
There are parents out there who would love for their special needs child to be in such an inclusive program as Omega is in but in this, I would like a little exclusivity. This is his first introduction to being away from me or my husband, in any group setting away from his siblings and their friends (especially one this large), Am I a bad parent to unenroll him all together? My only alternative would be to pull him from one school and put him in another. He goes to the same school as my atypical children, which any parent knows to have all your children in the same school is a blessing in itself. I am almost leaning towards the benefit outweighing the risk of putting him somewhere else.
As parents we have to make tough decisions on a daily basis. Once you live in a certain school district you don't want to have to think twice about the school your kids are attending, but now more than ever the individual school needs just as much consideration as the school district. All schools are NOT created equal. I could go on for hours about why one school in a district is different than another but we don't have time for that. We will just write it off as disenfranchisement of our kids. Depending on the school your children go to, someone's child will be left behind.

Where Have You Been?

I know it has been a while since my last post, almost three months to the day without a peep. As all parents I've been tangled up in the throws of summer break and a house full of kiddos running almost rampant. Having four young kiddos, and three that I basically took care of the entire summer, my hands were full to say the least. Through the struggles and trials we've all seemingly made it out OK.

I have always been a pretty open book, living through cancers, being disabled but not classified by our wonderful government as such, the means in which I provide for my family. Everything I do is or can be common knowledge. People judge me for this practice, saying I like to put my business out for people but that is a deep misconception. I talk about what's relevant. MOST of the things that I am dealing with are directly affected by our society.

I have several health problems that will affect me for the rest of my life and I am pretty much left to my own devices. My husband is the breadwinner of our large family (seven of us all together), and we are seemingly plagued into the lower income level but at the same time making too much for any notable assistance from any governing entities. We live in the middle of the American double standard and there is little we are able to do about it. This is what motivated me to create my own system of providing for my family.

Some may think if it's so hard financially for us why can't we rely on the state Medicaid system or Obamacare? Long story short is that we don't qualify for either yet both say we qualify for the other. It's the American double standard at its finest. This is my life. These are the things that motivated me to not only create own system but to also write about it.

I know that I have gone off topic, these are the things that have occupied all of my time since my last visit into your life. I have been put through the ringer, have given every ounce of my being to my children and my surrogate children, and have struggled to get out of bed but at the end of it all, I, no WE have made it through to the other side OK.

What's Wrong with Mom?

Have you ever felt detached from your own life? Had sadness, anger, or a feeling of emptiness come over you that you couldn't quite shake? Any history of mental illness in your immediate family? I was first diagnosed with mental illness at the age of 12 years old. As a child of divorce, parental abandonment, and abuse it goes without saying that this diagnosis was inevitable. Needless to say, the illness was allowed to fester and grow as I did, now getting to the point of near nervous breakdown. As a 30+ year old wife and mother of four, my depression has cost me more than any medication or therapy ever could, and now is the time for me to get a grip on it.

As a child, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, which is basically what childhood depression was known as in the 90's. This illness would present itself with angry outbursts, acts of violence, verbal aggression, and an overall angry demeanor and presence. With this being able to grow and develop almost totally untreated for years into my young adulthood, and on into my maturity, I have become more angry, sad and emotionally unstable. Once I began having my children, I wrongly assumed that I was rid of my poor impulse control and emotional instability, finding happiness and completion in my family. I was wrong and it would take for one trauma after another for me to be once again, trapped in my depression.

 I am at a point in my life right now where I not only feel lost and depressed within myself, but it is now causing me to become lost in my roles as both wife AND mother. At one point, I was on my way to being the Martha Stewart of the urban perspective, and now I am slowly turning into Roseanne Conner. I have all but shut down the neighborhood oasis, now only feeding the kids in my neighborhood, instead of hosting EVERY event, every weekend. I am no longer the craft mom, the spa party mom, the baking mom now, I am just barely mom. It is a struggle just to get out of bed in the morning, let alone having to get three daughters in elementary school out the door before 7:30 a.m. This change is happening quickly, and I feel that I have no control over which way it goes.

I recently completed a short term counseling program and I am currently reading a self help book of sorts, that while it is dated in almost ever aspect, promises to be timeless in its approach yet I find myself asking the time old question, how can I help myself when it is myself that is needing the help? I keep trying to push deeper the issues that are making me feel the way that I do but I keep finding that like anything else in life you cannot run from your life or the problems you may have with it. Helping myself seems a little far fetched but I am going to give it the old college try, stop having such negative reactions towards life. I know the cause to this evil yet I have allowed it to fester and grow for years,and now am no more than an excuse mill. Now is the time to take charge of my life before it is too late.I am already seeing my bad habits rubbing off on my children and not knowing how to cope or what to do to put my entire family on the right path.

As a mother suffering from depression, just being a mom is difficult at times. Some days I can barely bring myself to get out of bed, let alone help with homework or anything else that my kiddos need from me, and don't even get me started on how difficult it is to be a quality wife to my husband. This brings a sense of guilt over me that only worsens my depression, only feeding the vicious cycle. I have been depressed for most of my life, yet now more than ever it seems as though it is all encompassing, challenging me in every aspect of my life. I used to be able to have dinner ready before 8;30 p.m., but now even that has become a hurdle that I cannot bear. At times it even feels as though I have lost all passion for life, the things that used to make me happy cannot even bring a crooked smile. My children are beginning to see me as some sort of monster who cannot be awakened from its cursed nightmare, having to whisper around, as the joy in their laughter could make the loudest, most hideous growl that is to be avoided at all costs. Yeah, I just went there.

Over the past few years, I have fallen into a deep depression that has brought along with it an onslaught of other emotions that I myself feel that I have little control over. One of my only solaces is that I am not violent towards my family. I cannot even bring myself to spank my children, even in the case of the worst behavior. I am, however, very loud when I get worked up and these days it doesn't take much to even get that going. I can be on a tirade for hours, even carrying on to the next day in some instances. Even when I know in my heart that I am being ridiculous, knowing that I should calm down and that there is really no point or even merit to my arguments. Here lies another issue in itself. I am intelligent enough to know that I am being outlandish and ridiculous, yet it seems hat it is more important to me to get my point across than to make sense, when I get into a low point.  Life is funny that way, you can know that you are wrong but still argue to no end that your point is right, all in the name of principles.

It has come to the point of no return. I can either give in to this disease and allow myself to go truly bat shit, OR I can fight it with everything that I have and beat this the way that I beat Ovarian/Uterine Cancers. This will not be an easy task, as I have become somewhat known for making excuses for all of the reasons why I cannot change, why it should be okay for me to be angry and depressed all at the same time. At 33 years old (did I really just type that? YES!), it is time that I turn over this new leaf and beat the depression that I am suffering from. I really have to do it, not only for my own sanity, but also the very existence of my marriage (yes it is that deep), and the wholeness of my family.