The Spiral of Depression

   

     The many celebrity suicides have brought some well needed attention to the topic of Depression. These suicides have seemingly taken the stigma away from being depressed, whether they suffered from depression or not. Not every depressed person thinks about suicide, and not every suicidal person is depressed. There is not always a cause to the effect. Life as a mom can be trying enough without factoring in any sort of mental illness, yet when a demon like depression is thrown in to the mix,it can (and most likely will) affect the way you parent, the way you wife, and the way you self. It has the power to grab a hold of you like a riptide and refuse to let go until you drown.
     I have suffered from some sort of depression for as long as I can remember. At the age of 11, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, yet did not even grasp what that was until seeing Girl Interrupted almost 10 years later. I was on and off medication, locked down, shuffled around, and most of all, alone. This allowed not only the depression to fester, but also for anger to grow, opening the door to rejection and violence. If you fast forward 10 years, it was more of the same, on a different level. I was no longer a child given chances, just being moved when I became a problem. I was a full fledged adult. Now I had to answer for myself, and many times that meant bumping my head into the legal system.
     Now I am 35 years old, a wife, a mother to four children, and a member of society (whether I like it or not) and yet the depression continues to have a hold over me. I still find myself being triggered to the point of a mental breakdown. Those are even occurring on a more regular basis. If it were not for my hubby, I honestly do not think I would have made it this far. I battle daily with the demons that ride along with being depressed. I am pretty sure a person can look at me and assume that I am depressed, stressed, battle anxiety, etc., no matter how much make-up I put on or how I dress. I have lost about 50 pounds over the course of a year (maybe less) without wanting to. I call that the "Olivia Pope syndrome" when a person is so stressed out that they forget to eat. That is me on the regular! A person who has never battled with or loved someone who battled with Depression would be hard pressed to understand the actual goings on that we battle with. For most people, it is simply "get over it" or "move on" yet it is not that simple. To say easier said than done is a drastic understatement.
     Without the proper help from a trained professional, I personally do not believe that a person can just get over depression. That help can come from many different avenues, from a counselor to a pastor, as long as the person can grasp that this is not a simple feat. In some cases, medication is needed to balance out the imbalance that occurs in the brain, as it has most likely been messed up for a long time. As with any life change, the person has to be ready to make that change, or they will be fighting it every step of the way. Depression will battle against you, posing as your inner voice. Depression will beat you up worse than the outside world ever could. Depression will make you appear to be lazy, unmotivated, unloving, and at times very crazy. The real you may not get to shine through the darkness of depression, making life very lonely. No one wants to be friends with the crazy girl.