The Un-follower

I am not a follower of other blogs, maybe so I do not compare my blog to theirs. I do however know that most bloggers address their audience on a more frequent basis than I do to mine. Do I even have an audience? Well, for those of you who do happen across my page I know you are looking for something. Who would visit a blog titled the Uncommon Moms if they weren't looking for something. Most likely you are a mom like me who feels that soccer moms are a work of fiction well written and organization skills have all but run away screaming from anything you touch. Like many of you, I am still on my journey to motherhood perfection, having many hiccups along the way. This blog is somewhat therapy to me, searching for the right path and making my search as public as possible. Hopefully my quest will help,someone else along the way.

I am by no means a perfect mother or even wife for that matter. Like many, I have faults that are both visible to the naked eye, and buried deep within myself, both causing daily struggles within me as well as with my family. To some my struggles are also my faults, to me they are my hurdles, some even mountains that I alone have to bear. With these struggles, I often find myself searching for answers from others for the inner battles I struggle with, to little avail. There are not many, especially mothers who fight the same battles which makes my search a dogged one. Yet I know that while I am a mother found few and far between, there are others who struggle in a similar way that have been on the same, or similar quest as I am on now. This is why I write. I write to reach those mothers like myself who sometimes struggle with the "normal" daily routine of motherhood, who have fought with themselves just to make dinner, let alone playtime with the kiddos or quality time with the husband. Honestly I don't think I even remember the last time my husband and I did anything more than sit in the same room letting the tv watch us without a kid coming in screaming at the top of their lungs about how their sister looked at them the wrong way, hit them, or didn't want to play with them. This is the life of an uncommon mom with four kiddos under the age of ten, the oldest having emotional issues and my youngest being born with Down syndrome. To say the least, my days are never dull.

Every person struggles, and all struggles are different. No one person is able to judge another's struggle, say it is less or more than their own as all struggles are different. The life I live, the family I have, and the people I choose to surround myself with are in place because I have done something or another to have them in that exact spot. I do not follow along with the mainstream media, the blogs of talentless women flaunting around whatever city is the focus this season, or even the nightly news because of the nonsense that is given to the unsuspecting public, being camouflaged as information. I do not teach my children the typical history book stories, rather the true stories of our history and our present so that they begin life with a realistic point of view. I teach my children to be leaders, to set their own standards, to be un-follwers of the mainstream nonsense and opinions that are based on very little truth.

It is not easy to be an un-follwer especially in the age of Facebook and Twitter, where you are considered disloyal if you do not follow one of your so called friends. In this the technology age, people have stopped having face to face contact, less speaking to one another and more texting. Have we as a society lost touch with each other for convenience? Is this what we want our children to learn, that you don't actually have to know a person to be their "friend"?  I encourage more of us to elect be un-followers, to teach our children to be un-followers. There is such a stigma in having the most followers, views, re-tweets, etc., that there is no room left to be an individual with integrity. Yet another reason to be an UN-follower.

Recently there has been more attention to the "mommy blogger " that I am beginning to think that there is no true respect from the mainstream media for a writer who happens to be a mom. It could be my own mind playing tricks on me, taking offense to the things that should be brushed off, yet I can't help but notice that the respect that once was possibly given to a mother who was a writer, had now been diminished to just being a "Mommy blogger". I would like to believe that mother's are a group seldom heard from outside our own homes and immediate circles, but I have to be the voice of reality. As mother's, we are voicing our opinions more than just to the anonymous web but also in our children's schools, with doctors, in our daily lives yet I would like to believe that the opportunity to voice my opinions to the broad audience of the web is much better than once in a while having to call someone's corporate office to get my point across.

Whatever the forum, whatever the content I am ready to voice my opinions on anything from parenting to maternal depression to marital discourse, in a way that is seldom heard in mainstream media, very blunt with little to no filter. At times you may think to yourself, she is too raw, she needs censorship, or whatever else you may think of the outspoken. I am a mother who has seen the bad side of most facets of life including less than notable healthcare, being misdiagnosed and having to literally fight to be seen by a Dr., along with my children who have suffered rare hearing disorders going years without being properly diagnosed, dealing with a post partum diagnosis of Down Syndrome in my youngest as At in a positive way instead of esson. I am by no means looking for a pity party, rather showing the adversity that I have faced, and have been able to conquer in my life to only use it as a building block of sorts. The challenges I have faced in life have given me experiences that I can use to teach my children, stories to tell over coffee, and endless writing material that promises to at least keep your attention. While many of the roads I have traveled have brought me to where I am now, the stops along the way have been worth it.

Introduction to My Inner Crazy

I used to believe that we all had a little crazy inside, just waiting to be released at the right moment and that I just have an issue knowing when it was the appropriate time to unleash. I am beginning to see that not everyone has that inner crazy and it is quite possibly a me issue. At the ripe old age of 32 I am finally realizing and owning my inner crazy, however it is possibly too late.

At the age of 12, I was not only diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder but I also lost my birth mother to suicide by means of auto accident. At that age, I couldn't grasp the totality of losing the person who I barely knew as mom, let alone understand what it meant to have a Borderline Personality Disorder. Even now, 20 years later I am still learning what it means to be a Borderline Personality. Just the other day I learned that a person with Borderline Personality believes that fundamentally there is something wrong with them. I've always felt as though I were inadequate in some manner but could never understand why I felt this way or what to do to stop it. This feeling has greatly impacted not only my outlook on life and how I feel about my life and what I contribute.

Borderline Personality Disorder is now carrying on to my children, breeding this confusion in them. I have three girls with my oldest only 9.5 years old, and a two-year old son who was born with Down Syndrome. My daughters all suffer from some form of emotional Disorder, while my son is non verbal, and I can't help but think in the back of my head that this is my fault somehow. And then the light bulb goes off! It's simple as nurture vs nature. I have conditioned my children to my way of thinking, my Borderline way of thinking to the point that they think it is normal and rational thinking. The conclusion to this dilemma is that both my nature that I have passed down and the nurture of my parenting skills has dictated that my children will inevitably suffer from this same fate if I allow it to continue to grow within my home. What choice do I really have, does anyone suffering from this disorder have when you are a mother, father, grandparent and have people relying on you, little people who don't know anything that hasn't been taught to them.

Is it selfish to need to take time away from life to get a handle on this disorder that makes me feel as though I'll never be better? Why would a mother want to be away from her children? A wife from her husband, if not to become a better person individually? To even imagine taking time away from my family seems almost foreign to me, but in order to improve my children's environment, I may have to embark on a soul searching trip. Not having to go far geographically more metaphorically to clear all of the negative thoughts making way for nothing but passive actions and thoughtful living, humility and knowing my own self worth. This disorder will make you believe the worst about yourself so it is almost required that you are able to clear all the negative thoughts about yourself from yourself.

My husband has told me several times over the years we have been together, that I need to destroy and rebuild from the inside out. What does this mean when I have already broken myself down to the bare bottom? How do I begin to break free from the negative thinking and doing when that seems to be the only way of action? It begins with the full sized mirror, usually reserved for dressing and primping, that has become the first step in my transformation. This seemingly inanimate object is the very reflection of my inner self, wearing my emotions and stress like a mask in the theatre for all to see and judge. I am the only person in control of that mirror and its reflections, therefore it is my duty alone to change the years of negative thinking, and beating up on myself and those around me.

Anyone who suffers from or has a loved one who suffers from any mental illness can easily testify to the difficulty of having a stable, loving relationship. Once I have forgiven myself, and been forgiven by my loved ones we are all more able to forget the past completely. This is all simpler to say than actually do, but once everyone can set the goal of forgiveness and forgetfulness, it may be easier to attain.
For me, this journey is more urgent than others, my marriage and happiness are on the line. This disorder takes over all aspects of my life from self esteem to my libido, and my kiddos are even beginning to show signs of the very behavior that is used to identify Borderline, yet as more of a learned behavior not knowing that how they are behaving is wrong. This is unacceptable and must be fixed NOW.

My marriage is suffering like no other, from the outside looking in I could very well be sabotaging the very bond that has kept us together for 10 years. I'm no longer the woman my husband married. I am more angry, standoffish, unmotivated, and sad than ever before, not feeling able to give my husband or children what they need so bad. Something is missing in my life, something so simple that everyone else takes for granted, and when I think I have it I usually do something to mess it up. But would this really be the cure all that I need? Or will it end up snake oil like usual. Life is funny that way, just when you think you've got it all you lose everything you thought was concrete. I don't even think I would know what to do with it if I had it. Oh well, life is Murphy's law and nothing good ever comes easy and without consequence.

The Pain Within

In life we focus so much on what another persons perceptions of us is that we do not have the time or the where with all to have a perception of ourselves. Almost one year before I was officially diagnosed with cancer, I had an older woman, who was in remission ask me who my oncologist was, presumably because of my outer appearance. I had circles around my eyes, my face was sunken in, I was skinny, and my hair was growing back after being cut almost to the root. Shortly thereafter while my husband and I were in an auto parts store, a man who was in line behind him was trying to make conversation with him by asking if he knew if I ( who was off looking at a display, still within earshot) was a man or a woman?! This goes to show that different people, in different situations will have a very different perception of the same person, situation, or thing. What can be learned from these very different situations, aside from the obviously different perceptions? For me, at that point in my life, it only made me feel more self conscious about how I looked, and more depressed about the way I felt, saw myself, and others saw me. It drove me deep into a place mentally that was not a good one. My husband kept trying to convince me that I was better than that , but how much could that be true when before the next year was over, I did in fact have cancer and there was nothing that could be done about that. 

I have been blessed to not feel as though my family lives below the Federal Poverty Level, yet according to our finances, we do. This should, and would in many states, automatically qualify me and my entire family for medical insurance, especially since I now have a cancer diagnosis. In the great state of Texas, this is not the case. If my husband were working, or we even borrow more than a certain amount of money and report it to the proper authorities, that automatically disqualifies us from receiving medical insurance. I lived with cervical cancer that spread into my uterus and ovaries, also causing Endometreosis for over four years, without many people even knowing. I didn't reach out to the Cancer Society, or any other of the agencies that are supposed to assist with things such as medical care because in all honesty, they are not actually set up for people like me. The people who live under the line. There is a common miss perception that these places are in fact in place to help those who are in "my situation", but there is always some reason or another that I do not qualify. I battled this illness with nothing more than my husband at my side trying to take care of the bitter old woman trapped in his wife's deteriorating body. I think the worst part of it all was my ability to still get pregnant. I don't think either me or my husband really understood this. I was in constant pain, to have sex only made the pain worse, yet as a wife I felt somewhat obligated to be intimate with my husband her I could. It seemed as though every time we made love, I was pregnant and each pregnancy made my pain that I was already suffering from having cancer even worse. By the time I was pregnant with my last child. I was on bed rest for the entire pregnancy, pretty much couldn't walk without my husband helping me, and there was nothing anyone could do to help.

It was amazing to me because even after my son was born, the doctors that I usually ended up with didn't seem to have a clue what they were doing. No one wanted to perform the one surgery that would presumably end it all in one try, they all wanted to keep me on pain medication. As anyone with four children, one being a newborn with Down Syndrome and oldest child with Emotional disorder, can attest to, you cannot be doped up on pain pills. I did not want to be on medications. I wanted to be free of this monster inside of me. Was this such an unreasonable request when the surgery was simple and basically a no brainer with my case? It took me six doctors, and twice being walked out by security to find a doctor with the same way of thinking. He was able to see that this was eating me alive. I was miserable, depressed, unmotivated to be anything, let alone a wife and mother. I was literally dying from my soul outward. This diagnoses had weighed me so far down that I felt as though it was almost impossible to dig a way out. Unless you have been in this situation, no matter why you were there, you cannot imagine the depth of the depression that I speak of. It is deeper than the Grand Canyon and darker than the darkest corner of the universe. It is the most lonely place, your echo is the loudest you have ever heard, almost deafening. Yet you can always see a pinhole of light far off I the distance and you know you have to get to that light no matter what. This is what my diagnoses was, and I was originally only diagnosed with cervical cancer. I needed to be free from the physical and mental torture that I was suffering from for so long, and this doctor was able to see the way out. It seemed so simple, why wasn't this done three years ago? Oh yeah, no insurance. The only way I was even at this doctor was because my husband lost his job. The double sided sword of living in poverty.

Within two weeks I was being prepped for surgery. I was excited and nervous all the same, but I knew this was the only way to save my life. A simple hysterectomy, taking out everything that both made me sick and allowed me to bring life was all it took to heal this suffering that I felt. They found so much that seemed to be in plain sight of any decent doctor. All of this could have been avoided. Depression quickly turned to anger and distrust of medical unprofessionals. I felt like the target of an office pool, of how long I would live for with so moch going wrong. How could I be happy? I should be for the second chance at life right? Not exactly. Now I have new diagnoses that have been growing and festering within for even longer than the cancer was. Imagine the irony, I was so busy focusing on one disease that seven others crept up and took over my entire nervous system and spinal cord. With all of this, I have still devoted my life to helping others in need. I try and help as many random people as I can, and now I have begun a charity to help families, especially during this time of year, with holidays looming. I know that regardless to how much pain I suffer, there is always someone else who is worse. There is always someone who is suffering the same illnesses, living in a box, literally. I am in no way being faciscious, just honest opinion.

 Life is difficult for everyone no matter who you are, where you are from, or what you look like so it is better to play the hand that is dealt rather than swapping cards in the deck. We always think that those who are financially privileged either don't struggle, or are immune to disease as if they are made of Teflon. Most times those of us grossing less than $100,000 per year have less stress than a person who is in the top 1%, only because they have more people around them wanting to be taken care of. Health wise I have to believe that those who are more fortunate have less issues with better care. Nothing can be done about terminal disease, yet for the most part they are healthier and have better quality of care. Money can help out with most issues in life but what happens to your health is almost inevitable.

The Resolution of Imperfection

We are half of the way through 2015, the kids are out of school for the summer, yet I know that I am no where near where I should be in respects to my New Years Resolutions. I have had to learn that nothing ever happens according to plans. That is just how life works sometimes, things don't go exactly as planned. The me from a couple of years ago would have probably been beating up on myself for not having completed anything that I wanted to have completed by now, but now as a 30-ish mother of two special needs kiddos, being a Cancer warrior myself, I know that LIFE ALWAYS GETS IN THE WAY. You cannot bash yourself for what you cannot control.

The only way to make a change is if you are ready to make a change, and you may not always be as ready as you think. Honestly, when you suffer within yourself daily, as I do with the constant pain that I am in, in addition to the daily battles with my children, change seems almost impossible, when I do remember to think about the change I am striving for. Life always seems to get in the way of trying to better myself. Why does it seem as though my life is sabotaging itself? The answer is simple, I am allowing my life to run away with itself. Change comes in baby steps, and never happens overnight. This is something that I have had to learn the hard way over my 32 years on this Earth, as have many mothers, fathers, and people in general. 

All of us have had different life experiences, upbringing, and environment which have formed us to be a certain way, those same factors have either been an asset or a liability to us as individuals. The style of parenting which your own parents practiced has either taught you the best or worst skills to utilize in our own lives. Personally, i did not have the best up bringing, yet my father did the best he could do with the skills he had.  My father had no knowledge of how to raise a girl to be a young lady, and though he gave it his best , I am still lost as a female, wife, and mother. Now the responsibility lies with me alone, I am now responsible to turn three little girls into three young women with less of an instructional manual than a person who grew up with a positive female role model. 

What does any of this have to do with a New Year's resolution? For some, absolutely nothing, but for me, it has everything do with my New Year's resolution. I have been a mother for over nine years and have four kiddos all individuals in their own rights. On the outside, they are all very smart, helpful, and sweet children, yet to me and my husband they are like Jekyll and Hyde. Most people who know my children have nothing but great things to say about them, yet as soon as they are at home, in their comfort zone they turn into little monsters! This falls more on me as the parent than it does on my children because of the lack of consistency, true boundaries, and a concrete set of guidelines to follow. This is where my resolutions come into play. This is the point when I as the mother need to show my children the consistency that I lacked as a child and has lasted until this day to some degree. 

I am not the only parent in this seemingly never ending cycle of struggles, but I am able to recognize and want to change the ways of my father in me. I have had the same resolution for about eight years now, which more than shows that it has yet to be accomplished. It has nothing to do with my weight or physical appearance, rather the amount of patience I am able to exhibit, no matter the situation. Another has to do deal with my abilities to improve my own life, by means of becoming more able to control my own impulses. My husband has stated on more than one occasion that he doesn't like going places with me because he doesn't know whether or not I'm going to have to be walked out. I honestly do not plan on being embarrassed in this way but if I feel that something is not right I make a point to make it right. Many times I have become aggressive verbally when in this type of situation.  This is my inner demon, my Achilles heel, the one thing that could take me down in life if I do not get my impulses under control. I am a mother and I definitely do not want my children to pick up this trait and all that comes with it. They have already begun to pick up on traits of mine, some better than others yet we do not choose what our children will learn.

We all stress over making resolutions, these changes that we seek in our lives for only a small moment in time, but are they really worth all of the hype? Why isn't this same drive and determination being used to change all 365 days of being you? If you have the energy to read this blog than you have the energy to first desire the change, and then that same desire is turned into that change in you. I am still changing and finding the desire to change on a regular basis, so we are in this fight together.

One of the Best Decisions Our Family Ever Made

By now, most families have filed and long since spent whatever tax refund received, and are back in the groove of paycheck to paycheck. At this point, your family is like mine, trying to figure ways mid year to have a good amount of savings to fall back on. I found the idea of the 30 day spending freeze while trying to figure out how to get my clutter under control. Honestly I don't have the best memory and can't remember exactly which site I found this idea, but I have since seen it on other sites such as Pintrest. I ended up devoting to the spending freeze and foregoing the de-clutter project, mainly out of curiosity, but with a hint of laziness as my determining factor. 

A Spending Freeze is just what it sounds like, no spending on anything, period. This means no nights of " I don't feel like cooking," no coupon trips, nothing if it is not an absolute emergancy. And sadly, wine cannot be considered as an emergancy, so you had better make sure you stock up on what ever it is that you may need over the period of your freeze because if you run out during the freeze, that's it. The only money that can be taken out of your income is gas for your vehicle, and absolute emergencies, and running out of wine does not constitute for an emergancy so stock up. I keep repeating to stock up, I know from experience when you run out of something during the freeze is definetly not fun. As a matter of practice, our family uses the last couple of paychecks before our freeze to stock up on anything we may need over a months time.

The idea of the freeze is to not only save money, but it will also bring your family closer together. Being that there is a spending freeze in effect, the family spends no money on entertainment either. In my family, the main things that we do for fun are thrift store shopping, and movies whether it be Redbox or the Drive-In. These things stop during the freeze, giving us a chance to use what we already have around the house to do with eachother, in order to occupy our time as a family. This gives us an opportunity to see what we actually have at home, including bins of arts and crafts supplies, hundreds of movies, two game systems, a Nintendo DS, and a couple of plug and plays. With all of this at home, it is a wonder we still find the need of going to the thrift stores!

Beginning April 1, my family will begin our second Spending Freeze, and no it is not a joke. We have decided that we will also begin doing the Spending Freeze every other month, in order to ensure that we can take ourselves out of the paycheck to paycheck scenerio of so many families. This is the way to become financially free without having to take on a second and third job, or bending over backward for a raise. We as mothers are in control of our families, we are the CEO, CFO, and Chair of the Board and what we say goes so if we say it is time to buckle down and stop spending than that is what has to happen. I may not be a very organized mom but I bet you one thing, I am on it when it comes to our money. Granted many times that we do go out and spend money, it is following my lead, so now I will lead my family in our "unspending." This will be our family's second spending freeze, only the first spending freeze was called off about a week and a half early. This time I will not allow for small wrenches to stop the machine as a whole. You too can do the same. The spending freeze is not difficult and in the end, you will see nothing but positive from the money your family was able to save buy simply foregoing spending money on unnessecary clutter.

Saving money is not the only positive that comes from the spending freeze. This gives your family opportunities to do many things that will improve your overall quality of life, your relationships with your spouse and children, and the appearance of your home. There are so many things that your family can do without spending money from family game night to a clean up competition to making flubber and play dough with the kids. With this spending freeze I plan on purging and organizing my house in the 30 days time.

 I definetly have my work cut out for me with that task, but I have 30 days and four other capable human beings in my home to be able to get it done. My children will definetly fight, kick, and scream while my husband goes OCD at the wrong place and time. During the 30 days we also have the opportunity to pull out all of those art supplies that I have found along the way to do random projects on the weekends instead of making plans to go out and spend money. 

In reality the spending freeze should be simple, there are only eight weekend days per month, which translates into eight days of no school or work to have to coordinate things to do for the entire family. To make it even simpler, you can prepare ahead freezer meals to ensure that you don't spend money on fast food during the week on those extra busy days. In reality, it only takes 21 days to form a habit, why not make it one that is beneficial to our entire family like the Spending Freeze. In one months time, we have the ability to turn our families from spenders to savers, as long as we can stick to our guns not spending any money unless it is an emergency. There is not much to it at all. You and your husband need to both agree to stick to the agreement and not spend any money. This may be difficult to break habits of buying coffee on the way to work, or buying newspapers every week for your coupons, there is no spending. You need to prepare before hand and buy any supplies you may need before you begin.

 I also suggest to not grocery shop for anything other than milk and eggs during the freeze and only eat what is on hand. I'm pretty sure we can all dig out at least two and a half weeks of meals if we put our minds to it. This is the perfect time to get in the habit of making a menu for the week or month. It is also a great time to set up and implement a freezer cooking schedule and menu as well. Freezer cooking is not only a great way to use what is on hand, it is also a great way to save time on cooking throughout the week, or even the entire month, if you are so bold. I have some issues with consistency even if it makes life a little easier, yet this could be an article in itself. You may find yourself running out of food by the third week, if this is the case make a budget, look for the best sales hopefully some of which will have instore coupons, since we cannot spend any money on inserts and go to the grocery store. Make sure you make a list and stick to that list. That is one of the easiest ways to lose your budget at the grocery store is to not stick to your list. When you are making your list, plan your menu at the same time, so you will know what ingredients are needed and what is on hand. This is not rocket science, but sometimes we all need a recipe for life.

Our first Spending Freeze was not quite as difficult as we had anticipated, yet we did allow for a small emergancy to take us from our focus and essentially ended the Freeze a week and a half early. His is ok! I had to keep removing myself that we completed two and a half weeks of no spending. Do you see how I made the glass half full? In most every other aspect in life is about the glass being half empty, why not take something like not spending money and make that the glass half full. Yes I know that the world revolves around money, but completing any portion of the spending freeze is a victory even if just for a week. Take the time to learn about yourself, your spouse and your family, to embrace the blessings that you do have, and to get on top of our finances. I wish you all the best of luck in whatever your journey is and where it will take you.

The Stigma of Skinny

In today's society, there is a huge emphasis on being skinny. To be fat is to be lazy, is something I hear often. I am far from overweight, in fact I struggle with my weight and losing too much, from years of having Cancer and other health problems, along with some pretty bad choices in my diet and the way I take care of myself. I can be considered a rarity, when people compliment me on how thin I am having four kids, I usually respond that I would rather be heavier.

People have a hard time understanding that I would rather gain 30 pounds than keep the size 5, 135 pound body that I am in. I look in the mirror, and I am not pleased with what I see staring back at me. I look in the mirror and I am quickly depressed at the shape my body has taken. Aside from when I was pregnant, I have not weighed over 130 pounds since before I suffered from cancer, and before that, I was only a mere 150 pounds, standing at 5'8" tall. I cannot recall a time when I ever envied or wanted to be like one of those super skinny cover models, showing off their rib bones as if the are the sexiest feature they have to offer. Many will read my words and wonder what drug I am on, trying to weigh over 150 pounds, but when you are this size all of your adult life, had to fight off disease after disease, and being too weak to even move at times would make anyone want to be heavier. 

I've had many "stigmatic" moments in my life that have been the dose of reality needed for anyone to fight, or become super depressed in their own body and sadly, I have become the latter. Seeing photos of myself at a weight of less than 120 pounds, showing my definitions in my bones, looking like my clothes were going to just fall off, is devastating to say the least. Depression sets in and that always brings with it my lack of feeding myself. I will totally stop eating if I am eating alone. If I am not feeding my family, I do not eat. My husband notices and with his sarcastic sense of "humor" pokes fun trying to get me to eat by making me see that others see what I am doing to myself. Yet that would never help, only hurt me more than he ever intended and drives me into a deeper depression. This life of depression, pain, poor health, and basic fasting are overwhelming to say the least. There is never a day that goes by that I do not feel bad about myself, regardless of how my husband tries to make me feel better, or someone doesn't believe that i have four children because I am so skinny. This is not a compliment to me, this only makes me feel worse about myself because, I remember how fast the baby weight just "fell" off after all of my kids and how badly I wished it would have just stayed on. But with each pregnancy, i do not gain more than 30 pounds for the first six months, then I am able to gain enough weight to be healthy enough for the pregnancy, but then shortly after my children were born, the weight comes flying off.

Many people eat when they are stressed out, I lose my appetite completly. I can go for days without eating, but I cannot identify myself as having an eating disorder. I do not feel as though I am making a choice as to whether or not I am eating or not. I do not look in the mirror and want to be skinny, or feel that I am too fat and need to lose the weight. It is exactly the opposite. I want to gain weight, but it seems as though my bodies response to stress is to go hungry. Does this make sense to you? Me either. As backwards as it is, this is my reality. This has caused for countless questions, to taking vitamins to help me gain weight, even leading to many blood tests leading to no answers and yet another mistery diagnosis to add to my list. Will I ever find the answer to wait ails me? Will I continue to be unable to eat for days when I get to stressed out? I am not sure that I will ever have all of the answers, but when do we ever? 

Not having all of the answers is frustrating for anyone, let alone a person who is more than used to hearing disheartening news from the doctor. I lived for more than 5 years with cancer growing, and festering in my body, without even a word from my doctors aside from prescribing more pain medication. I lived my life in constant pain, knowing that this disease was growing, begging to be treated, all to fall on deaf ears. This struggle with my weight seems no different. It will sound strange to compare weight problems to Cancer, but to a person who has battled both ailments, there is little difference in the actual struggle of the fight.

When Mom Isn't Healthy Enough to Be Mom

                   

A mother with any sort of disability feels less than able to be the best mother she can be. There are limits to what a mother can do if she is in any sort of pain, which inevitably leads to feelings of inadequacy, which leads to low self esteem, feeling like a burden to the family members who are taking care of you, and eventually depression. When mom is physically in pain, that does not mean that mentally she is 100%. Imagine that it was you sitting in bed all day, just watching your family and your life pass you by. The anger eventually takes over for the depression, to a point that your family may not want to be around you. It is difficult when mom is ill, difficult for all members of the family. I wish that I could write this post from my husbands point of view, as he experiences daily what any family with a disabled mom has to experience, from the lack of a motherly presence to having to not only be the caretaker of the family, but also the caretaker of mom.

There are hundreds of thousands of mothers who are ill, either short term or chronically every day. For those who are chronically ill there is not only the battle of the illness but there is also the inner battle that mom battles internally with her emotions that at times can seem to outweigh the physical illness. The emotional battles that mom faces are countless and ever changing, but there are some that seem constant like the depression, the anger, and the feelings of being worthless and a burden to your loved ones. When you are unable to even make dinner for your family you begin to feel terrible about yourself. My husband always tells me that I am only a burden when I am angry, that he doesn't mind coming home from work to have to do household chores as long as I am appreciative. I respect my husband because of his honesty, he doesn't mind telling me when I'm acting like a complete idiot. I think that the same can be said of other spouse/caretakers, if their wives were more appreciative of the things they do it would be easier for them to do those things.

How can you be positive when you feel so bad about yourself and your situation? Even if your condition is terminal, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. It is much easier said than done but we have to remain positive throughout the endless doctor appointments, blood tests, chemo, dialysis, the fatigue and nausea. It sounds like a joke, to be positive throughout the turmoil of chronic and terminal illnesses, but when you have a loved one who is willing to care of you without judgement, you have no choice but to be grateful and show it. But what about those of us who do not have the love and support that we should have? What if you are alone in your journey, unmarked, no children? What about those of us who are in marriages that are less than supportive, whose husbands belittle us for the things we are unable to do? What do you do in those situations, if you do not believe in divorce or if you have children involved? Do you allow for your children to see you being treated this way or do you muster all of the strength you have to communicate with your husband abut what is wrong, giving him the choice to change or move on? The latter is the most positive, while also putting the back in your hubby's court, giving him the choice to change or leave. I am not a promoter of divorce but if there is no change in sight, you are dealing with your own pains and shortfalls without having the person who is supposed to be by your side through sickness and health treating you in a negative way. When mom is chronically ill, mom needs the support that she gives the family when they are ill or in need of love. Many times moms needs are pushed to the side when there is more pressing family business to take care of. 

If you have a supportive family, then you are blessed. If you have a family who is confused as to how to help you feel better, you are the only one who can teach them how to care for you. I know you don't have the energy to even care for yourself, but they are lost, and have no idea what to do. You are able to use every experience as a teaching and learning opportunity, even if you have to order books from Amazon and have them read the books to learn how to be a better care taker and supporter of you and what you are going through. I have had several issues in trying to not only teach my family how to take better care of me, but also how to learn and accept that they are still learning and that I cannot take out my anger about being sick on them. I have had to learn patience so that I do not push them away and make them not want to help and care for me. It is difficult being chronically ill with small children. As a person you want to think they are old enough to understand what is going on and why you are always in bed, but as a mother you know they could not possibly understand what is going on in their family. Being a chronically ill mother and wife holds many challenges for all people involved, but it doesn't have to be faced as a challenge, it can be a learning experience, while bonding the family closer if it is approached the right way. 

You may be in a sirtuation were you do not know how to care for yourself, let alone teach others how to do it. Start from the beginning, learning how to accept your illness. I personally have been chronically ill since 2010, and from experience it is tough not only physically but also mentally. I know that I have caused many burdens on both my husband and children, having been on bed rest for over 6 months, and the amount of time I am unable to move as freely as the normal 30 something is always decreasing. It is very difficult for me to process the fact that I am unable to be "normal" by many means, which adds to my already tough to battle depression, making me feel worse about myself. I cannot sit around and feel sorry for myself, I have to try and be as active as possible, I have to know my own personal limits, and I have to be proactive in both. If being proactive means that I work a little at my goal and then take a nap, than so be it! Take the nap and start again when you get up. Don't beat yourself up about having to take a nap, we are fighting a constant uphill battle and it gets exhausting quickly. The key is to not give up, not to beat yourself up, and to keep going. You can make your routine fit your energy. If you have energy in the morning, make dinner in the morning, try crock pot recipes, they arca lifesaver when you find yourself with less energy. You can make them ahead and freeze them, put them in the crock of frozen, and take a nap while its cooking. This is the best case scenerio when you have little to no energy, and need time to recoup. 

I know that being ill brings a messy house, you can't clean daily like you normally would, sometimes you may even go for weeks without cleaning up, and for some that is ok, but not for the Uncommon Mom. I cannot stand a mess. It makes me feel worse, physically when I see a messy house, but I am not always able to help clean up. This is where you have to enlist the help of the other people in your family, by means of using honey and not vinegar. Our family members are not inside our bodies, do not know how we feel unless we tell them, and then even still they cannot grasp the range. You have to have as open a line of communication as possible, telling them what you need form them. I know that your kiddos are probably not much different than mine, they don't want "mommy the monster" they want "sweetie mommy" so if that means they have to help out a little more around the house, they will atleast try. Give them a chance to try. Teach them the right way, on one of the spurts of energy, save up all of  your patience for this time and teach them how to help you.

As with all things in life, teaching your kids and husband to help with the tasks that are usually handled by mom is easier said than done. If your kids are like mine they are young, full of excuses, and ALWAYS fighting, honestly most days I end up taking on the chore that I gave to one of my kiddos. This is very frustrating, especially since I am asking for help to begin with. I am constantly asking people for advice on how to deal with this situation, yet most times, they are as clueless as I am, being that I have tried everything from bribes to taking away all of their prized possessions and nothing seems to faze them. Honestly at times it seems as though they would rather live in the filth! What do we as mothers do? BE PERSISTANT. This is almost always easier said than done, but it's true we have to keep on the, until they get tired of hearing us and they just do it.

I know that having any chronic illness is difficult. It not only takes a toll on you physically, but it also kills any bit of energy, motivation, and determination that you may have. When we are sick, any and every duty that we hold as mothers falls by the wayside, becoming a burden on our family members. If we sit around feeling sorry for ourselves then nothing will ever got taken care of, not even your health. I speak from experience when I say that I know how easily life can get out of control when you are chronically ill. It is time to take back the control of your life by fighting the feelings of being overwhelmed and swallowing the negativity. We can do it together.