As a child, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, which is basically what childhood depression was known as in the 90's. This illness would present itself with angry outbursts, acts of violence, verbal aggression, and an overall angry demeanor and presence. With this being able to grow and develop almost totally untreated for years into my young adulthood, and on into my maturity, I have become more angry, sad and emotionally unstable. Once I began having my children, I wrongly assumed that I was rid of my poor impulse control and emotional instability, finding happiness and completion in my family. I was wrong and it would take for one trauma after another for me to be once again, trapped in my depression.
I am at a point in my life right now where I not only feel lost and depressed within myself, but it is now causing me to become lost in my roles as both wife AND mother. At one point, I was on my way to being the Martha Stewart of the urban perspective, and now I am slowly turning into Roseanne Conner. I have all but shut down the neighborhood oasis, now only feeding the kids in my neighborhood, instead of hosting EVERY event, every weekend. I am no longer the craft mom, the spa party mom, the baking mom now, I am just barely mom. It is a struggle just to get out of bed in the morning, let alone having to get three daughters in elementary school out the door before 7:30 a.m. This change is happening quickly, and I feel that I have no control over which way it goes.
I recently completed a short term counseling program and I am currently reading a self help book of sorts, that while it is dated in almost ever aspect, promises to be timeless in its approach yet I find myself asking the time old question, how can I help myself when it is myself that is needing the help? I keep trying to push deeper the issues that are making me feel the way that I do but I keep finding that like anything else in life you cannot run from your life or the problems you may have with it. Helping myself seems a little far fetched but I am going to give it the old college try, stop having such negative reactions towards life. I know the cause to this evil yet I have allowed it to fester and grow for years,and now am no more than an excuse mill. Now is the time to take charge of my life before it is too late.I am already seeing my bad habits rubbing off on my children and not knowing how to cope or what to do to put my entire family on the right path.
As a mother suffering from depression, just being a mom is difficult at times. Some days I can barely bring myself to get out of bed, let alone help with homework or anything else that my kiddos need from me, and don't even get me started on how difficult it is to be a quality wife to my husband. This brings a sense of guilt over me that only worsens my depression, only feeding the vicious cycle. I have been depressed for most of my life, yet now more than ever it seems as though it is all encompassing, challenging me in every aspect of my life. I used to be able to have dinner ready before 8;30 p.m., but now even that has become a hurdle that I cannot bear. At times it even feels as though I have lost all passion for life, the things that used to make me happy cannot even bring a crooked smile. My children are beginning to see me as some sort of monster who cannot be awakened from its cursed nightmare, having to whisper around, as the joy in their laughter could make the loudest, most hideous growl that is to be avoided at all costs. Yeah, I just went there.
Over the past few years, I have fallen into a deep depression that has brought along with it an onslaught of other emotions that I myself feel that I have little control over. One of my only solaces is that I am not violent towards my family. I cannot even bring myself to spank my children, even in the case of the worst behavior. I am, however, very loud when I get worked up and these days it doesn't take much to even get that going. I can be on a tirade for hours, even carrying on to the next day in some instances. Even when I know in my heart that I am being ridiculous, knowing that I should calm down and that there is really no point or even merit to my arguments. Here lies another issue in itself. I am intelligent enough to know that I am being outlandish and ridiculous, yet it seems hat it is more important to me to get my point across than to make sense, when I get into a low point. Life is funny that way, you can know that you are wrong but still argue to no end that your point is right, all in the name of principles.
It has come to the point of no return. I can either give in to this disease and allow myself to go truly bat shit, OR I can fight it with everything that I have and beat this the way that I beat Ovarian/Uterine Cancers. This will not be an easy task, as I have become somewhat known for making excuses for all of the reasons why I cannot change, why it should be okay for me to be angry and depressed all at the same time. At 33 years old (did I really just type that? YES!), it is time that I turn over this new leaf and beat the depression that I am suffering from. I really have to do it, not only for my own sanity, but also the very existence of my marriage (yes it is that deep), and the wholeness of my family.
